Starting out at a new school is always tough. It’s even harder when everyone’s trying to kill you, and it gets worse when you’re the only human. My name is Nick Sircar, and I’m in the sixth grade. I’m not as smart as my sister, Amanda, but she doesn’t need to know that. It was our first day on Shadow Island in an old broken down house, and tomorrow we would turn twelve. We didn’t know what a big deal that would be. That morning we were the only ones on the ferry that towed our car and the moving van out to Shadow Island. As the ferryboat sailed into a thick fog, I fell asleep and had a dream—I was walking along a beach, and two arms without any skin pushed their way through the sand—that’s right! No skin! You could see their veins and muscles and bones but no skin. The arms grabbed my ankles with an unbreakable death grip and started
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 01, 2010).]
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
Okay, this probably belongs in F & F for books if you want any responses.
I don't comment a lot on first 13s because I'm not that great at them. That said:
This confuses me just a little. The first paragraph talks about starting school, but in the second paragraph they're on the ferry on their way to the island. They can't have started school because they're not there yet. Nick can't possibly know he's the only human at school. For that matter, he can't be. Apparently he's got a twin sister, so there have to be at least two humans.
IMO, start with the ferry and let Nick worry about having to start a new school. If he's already been on the island, say, when they bought the house, he can also think about the weird people he's seen and how much stranger this school might be.
Of course, that kind of opening worked for Percy Jackson ("If you're reading this because you think you're a half-blood . . ."), so take my opinion for what it's worth.
Posted by Zack Zyder (Member # 9162) on :
Good point. I will rework it and post it in the correct place. And yes, I did look at Percy Jackson for inspiration. Still, I don't like that schtick, whether Riordan did it or not. Simplicity ususally works better.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
I really liked your first paragraph. A lot. Just fix the transition by saying something about on the morning before we had to report to the new school (ugh, that's terrible, but something like that maybe?).
"that’s right! No skin!" I felt jarred by this. It seemed kinda random. Maybe its the two short sentences with exclamation points. It's tough to write a story where your MC addresses the readers so directly. Either make it a thing and do it up, or else drop it. It can work wonderfully when well done. "You" is addressing the reader again--seems like you wanna do it.
"...could see their veins and muscles and bones but no skin." Suggest: "could see the veins and muscles encasing the bones [cut-->but no skin]."
Hands grab, arms wrap around (wrestling).
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited July 01, 2010).]
Posted by MikeL (Member # 9138) on :
I have to agree, I like the first paragraph, but the second is confusing.
I might suggest you try to keep the flow of the first paragraph. Maybe continue with more detail there and explain just a bit more. Idk, it's up to you.
Just curious, are you going for the goosebumps type story, I used to love those.
Posted by Zack Zyder (Member # 9162) on :
I'm trying Mrs. Brown's idea about fixing the transition. Regarding Goosebumps, I'm thinking this may be a bit darker than the Goosebumps series; although I'm sure there's some overlap.
Second version:
Starting out at a new school is always tough. It’s even harder when everyone’s trying to kill you, and it gets worse when you’re the only human. My name is Nick Sircar, and I’m in the sixth grade. I’m not as smart as my sister, Amanda, but she doesn’t need to know that. It was our first day on Shadow Island in an old broken down house, and tomorrow we would turn twelve. We didn’t know what a big deal that would be.
* * *
I better tell you how it all started and how I got my earliest clue that something was wrong. Early that first morning, we were the only ones on the ferry that towed our car and the moving van out to Shadow Island. As the ferryboat sailed into
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 07, 2010).]
Posted by pamak (Member # 6987) on :
"It’s even harder when everyone’s trying to kill you, and it gets worse when you’re the only human.
Is is being the only human really worse than everyone trying to kill you? "It's even harder when you're the only human, and it gets worse when everyone's trying to kill you."
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
Ha, good point, pamak.
My only nit now is the use of the word "tomorrow" when it's all past tense. It leaves me a little confused about the timeline. Would "the next day" work as well? But then there are three uses of "day". Anyone else?
Posted by Zack Zyder (Member # 9162) on :
I'm thinking the first paragraph is more like a "blurb" that you find on the back cover of a book. Sometimes cutting is the magic cure.
Posted by chalkdustfairy (Member # 9175) on :
Maybe you're trying to pack too much information into the first two paragraphs. I personally really like the line you had about him not being as smart as his sister and I would like to see what you could come up with starting with that line and going on from there (you had a reason for putting it in there; why is he not as smart? Why doesn't she need to know that? Why is it important that we know that about them?) You might find their adventure flows more naturally from there.
