Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Jealousy Kills - Horror

This is topic Jealousy Kills - Horror - 77,000 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000894

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

Here's another shot at the 13 lines. Let me know if it's better, compared to my last one. And let me know if you would like to read a sample chapter.

Thank You.

We can trade chapters if you like. You read a chapter of mine, I'll read a chapter of yours.

__________________________________

Justin could feel the demon inside him growing stronger as he lay on a chair in Dr. Marks’ office, and the way he’d started acting was scaring his girlfriend, Jessica.
“So tell me, Justin,” Dr. Marks said, notepad in hand, “how was your last date with Jessica? Did you two have fun? Were there any problems or evil thoughts that crossed your mind?”
There was a long pause as Justin thought deep into his mind. “It was... great...”
Then, for some reason, he heard Jessica's voice: But was it great, Pretty Face? Was it really? She was the only one that called him Pretty Face.
Yea, it was, he thought. You were there. You know how much fun we had. Then he remembered the cold feeling around him.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Could you edit your first post, to add the revised version at the top? I can't compare two threads very easily. (And edit this one to say nothing.) Thanks!

"Justin could feel the demon inside him growing stronger as he lay on a chair in Dr. Marks’ office, and the way he’d started acting was scaring his girlfriend, Jessica."
I read this as, Justin and Jessica are together in the office, the demon is growing stronger inside him right now (as he lays on the chair), and he starts to act in a way that scares Jessica. But I suspect that is not what you intended.

"You were there. You know how much fun we had." I don't know if he is directing these thoughts to Jessica or the demon.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited July 06, 2010).]