Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Jealousy Kills - Horror

This is topic Jealousy Kills - Horror - 65,000 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by XD3V0NX on :

Here is the the new beginning of Jealousy Kills. I finished the first draft June 5th and decided to take a break from it for a few weeks. I first started it again yesturday, and pretty much rewrote the first chapter (7,750 words). Let me know what your thoughts are on these thirteen lines, also if you would be interested in reading a small partial of it (the new first chapter).

Thank you.

________________________________________________________

Justin Adams lay back in a chair staring at the ceiling, and he knew there was a demon inside him. The thoughts he’d had the last couple months kept getting worse, and the way he’d started acting scared his girlfriend, Jessica.
“So tell me, Justin,” Dr. Marks began, notepad in his hand, “how was your last date with Jessica? Did you two have fun? Were there any problems you faced, any evil thoughts cross your mind?”
Justin had been seeing Dr. Marks the last month or so. Jessica had recommended it. 'I’ve got a guy,' she’d said, drawing her fingers down his abs. That always calmed him down. 'And he might be able to help you. It’s worth a shot, right?'
“It was...great,” Justin finally said, searching for more words.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

I think you need to reorder the sentences so they are in the same time sequence. As they stand, there are three different timelines that I can see. The beginning thoughts that Justin is turning into a demon, the doctor's office, and the time when his girlfriend suggests that he see a shrink.

The timeline is shifting and that needs to be settled down a bit. I would suggest that the entire opening take place in the doctor's office and he is beginning to unload his feelings on the doctor. It gives you the opportunity to give a bit of an infodump on his condition and refer to his girlfriend in an orderly fashion.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 27, 2010).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Ditto. But for now, it may be better to keep going and get the story on the page rather than spending too much time tinkering with the beginning. (Doing that has stolen my energy for a story.)

I am intrigued. This story sounds interesting.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited June 29, 2010).]

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

Thank you both of you. I will work on that.

Also, Mrs. Brown, this story is finished. I finished it about a month ago and it stands at about 77,000 words. I also have been doing a lot of revising lately. I am currently working on my third draft now and taking things out that don't belong and what not.

I am just asking, because it doesn't hurt to ask, but would either of you be interested in taking a look at the first chapter?