Okay, so I finally got back into writing "Jealousy Kills", after I finished "Forgotten Memories". This will be a shorter version, though. The original stood at 24,500 words, while this one will hopefully stand at around 15,000 words. The only thing that will, for the most part, remain the same, is the ending, and that's because I absolutely love my ending. By ending, I mean the last chaper. My last chapter was pretty long, too, I should say. lol
Let me know if it hooks you/how can I create a better hook? Do you like it/ what can I fix to make it better? Why do you Not like it? And any other questions you can think of.
There was a demon in Justin. His psychiatrist said so. Justin was lying back in a comfortable chair staring at the ceiling, and he’d thought Dr. Marks was kidding when he told him that. When Dr. Marks pointed out what Justin was feeling over the last few months, though, he knew his doctor wasn’t screwing with him. “Are these feelings new?” Dr. Marks asked, notepad in his hand. “No, no,” Justin said, “It’s been going on for awhile now, but I just can’t seem to control them. I don’t know what to do anymore, Doc. Please, you have to help me. I don’t want to lose Jessa over something like this.” “Has there been any evil thoughts going through your head lately?”
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited May 07, 2010).]
Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :
I like this a lot lot LOT better. My only complaint is this: psychiatrists don't tell people they are posessed by demons. Not if they want to keep practicing. (My grandmother is a psychologist and works exclusively with the criminally insane. The stories she's told me...crazy! If anyone is posessed by demons, it's the guys she sees.)
So if you mean this literally, as in: the main character is literally posessed by a demon, you might want to find another way to say it (although being a fan of books about demonic posession, I am diggin' the theme). If it is figurative, as in: he is mentally ill, there's got to be a way to make this figurative. Because I am reading it as literal.
Well, I'm sitting over here, bored and kicking myself because I'm taking my time re-writing my book. So whenever you're ready to send this to me, I'll be bouncing off the wall ready to read it. lol
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
Thanks, Trisha. I have been working on the re make quite a lot lately. I think that if you work on a manuscript everyday, a few hours, you are bound to finsh the project more quickly than if you take a break on it. That's what I've realized in comparison to stopping a project. I have only been working on this, get this, for two days, and I'm already, almost, at 10,000 words. I haven't written this much since I wrote "Eye of a Shadow" over the summer. Okay, so it might be longer than 15,000 words, too. So it might take about a week for me to finish this, if I continue at the pace I am at right now, since I have been doing almostnothing else but writing lately (ad playing one of my favorite games: Resident Evil 5; I am a huuuuge fan of Resident Evil lol). Anyway, the moment I doubt my manuscript, the moment I'll probably stop writing it and take a break (which I can't do or I might not finish it!) so I am going to continue writing as fast as I am right now, finish it, then polish it, and then I'll send it your way. Hey, but if you're up for it, "Forgotten Memories" is pretty much ready to go, and I really want other's to read that (my teacher read it, and he reeeeeeeally liked it; he said it was very well written and very good and a few other nice comments lol). If you need something to do, I can send you "Forgotten Memories" (to be honest, I almost cried when reading some of it over, and, IMO, I'm impressed with myself in how well I actually portrayed those emotions in that story)
It wont be much longer now before I finish "Jealousy Kills" hopefully, but, in the mean time, let me know if you'd be willing to read something that I actually did finish ("Forgotten Memories", and that stands roughly at 16,000 words). =]
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
So I've decided I'm going to make it easy on myself and make "Jealousy Kills" a little more than 50,000 words. Since I have been writing Novelettes, which are really hard to sell I've heard, and I have a 200,000 word novel I am still trying to finish, I decided I'm going to have something written that will be a little easier to get published like a 50,000 word to 70,000 word Novel.
Oh, and for anyone who cares, I have also decided I'm going to take that 209,000 word Novel, Eye of a Shadow, and break it into a Trilogy. That way, it'll be easier to sell, obviously, with three different parts and three different books. I think I'll just do that.
Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :
Yay! That's a great idea. Because from what I get, Eye of a Shadow is your baby. I mean, I think any writer puts a part of themselves into whatever they write, but when you're first starting out especially, there is always one project, good or bad, that you pour your essence into and nurse a fondness for in your heart.
Good luck!
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
Yea! Eye of a Shadow IS my heart! I put soooo much into that last year, and I wrote every single day. I was determined to finish it before I started school August 25th, and I did. I had quite a bit to go when it hit the 24th. So I wrote 28 pages that day and I wrote faster than, oh, wow, let's just say I wrote insanely fast then. Wow. It was insane, but I was going to finish it and I didn't care what. I would write for hours. Sometimes my schedule for writing was two hours in the morning, two hours in the afternoon, and two at night. And not many people know this, but Eye of a Shadow, the actual 200,000 word novel, is already part of a series my friend and I came up with. It's very complicated, but "Eye of a Shadow" is actually the third book (let's just say I found a lot of ties in the book, and he had an idea, too, and we were somehow able to combine them to form one idea). So if I take apart eye of a shadow, that will like expand the series greatly and make it like 9 books.....Are there any series' like that? Haha. Where it lasts nine books? Oh, and if you don't remember, when I first joined Hatrack, I posted the first thirteen lines of a book called "Between the Lines". That was the fifth book in the series, and I think I stated that, too (now it'll probably be the 7th or 8th; but knowing most of the plot in that book, I wouldn't put it past me having to take that book apart and expand it two or three more ways lol). It's very difficult to explain how this whole series came to be, but I'd have to say it's pretty cool.
Oh, and when I finish the first 20 pages of "Jealousy Kills" I'll send it to you. i'm anxious to see how it is so far, from someone elses POV.
Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
I feel like we are coming into the conversation too late and missing the interesting part. What evil things does Justin say to make the psychiatrist call him a demon?
It feels a little like with holding.
Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :
MAP, I see what you mean. I've read the earlier versions so I guess I know what's going on and it made sense to me. But when you say it feels like with-holding, I see your point of view.
Oh, and to answer your question XD3VONX, I have to ask you one of my own. Have you been living under a rock since the 1990s? Albeit, you probably don't read fantasy. But I thought EVERYONE had at least HEARD of Robert Jordan (pen name for James Oliver Rigney Jr.) and the Wheel of Time series. lol It's currently at twelve published books with two still on their way, a prequel AND a companion book. And if you google the author, you'll find he has sadly passed away and yet he is STILL putting out books with the help of his assistants. Talk about your long series. Oh, and to those WoT fans out there: what happened to Universal and their plans to make Eye of the World into a movie? My foot has been tapping for two years waiting for news with that one.
So yes, people do publish MASSIVE quantities of books in a series. It's not typical, but you'll hear that about a lot of things as a writer. Consider it a challenge or you're going to throw in the towel before you get a chance to see where this whole "writing thing" takes you.
[This message has been edited by TrishaH24 (edited May 10, 2010).]
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
lol. I see what you both are saying. And yes, I wont give up on this series that I have planned. It's nearly completely developed. And I have heard of Robert Jordan, but no I have never read anything of his...I thought about it, but I never got into it. I might very soon, and no, I don't really read much fantasy.
I'll explain that whole demon aspect too in my re write.
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
I like it. What hooked me was that the psychiatrist said that he had a demon. I figured this story must take place in a world that has real demons and you go to your psychiatrist to get rid of them. Or it's set in the current day, "real" world, and this psychiatrist knows something about demons and Justin really has a demon. Either way I thought it was cool idea and it made me want to read on.
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
Actually, Satate, I honestly hadn't thought about that, but you just gave me a great idea I can possibly add in this. It doesn't exactly take place in a world of demons, but I wish I thought of that before I got 11,000 words in.
Thanks for the review. :]
Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :
Just a quick comment.
If this guy is possessed by Demons or has an actual Demon in him, seems like he has bigger problems that losing his girlfriend. That seemed a little out of place. Killing his girlfriend maybe, but teenage angst that she's gonna dump him?
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
I plan on redoing this opening, but I should say that he doesn't exactly know he has a demon inside him. At least, he doesn't want to believe that.
This opening will be redone. I'm going to finish the tale first, though, before I go back and redo it all, or most of it anyway. Thanks for the comment. You gave me something to think about.
Posted by Beatles (Member # 9110) on :
I'm a new reviewer here, so please forgive me if this is too tedious; but I noted the term "Dr. Marks" is used 3 times in the opening sentences. I think the 2nd or 3rd time, I would change it to "the doctor", or some other term. Overall, your opening gets me interested in the story, though. And while I agree that a psychiatrist would not use the term "demon", I like it. It's provocative and makes the reader wonder about the demons. I want to know more...
Posted by rahmuss (Member # 9124) on :
I think it's a good hook.
Though there seems to be something amiss. He mentions that he's been seeing the Doc. for about one month, yet the psychiatrist is only just now asking about those feelings? "'Are these feelings new?' Dr. Marks asked" That seems a bit of a stretch unless you are going back to the beginning and I missed it somehow. Also, if the Doc. has been discussing this topic with him for awhile so that he has learned the bit of panic in this man's life due to his feelings, then it also seems a bit off that he asks "'Has there been any evil thoughts going through your head lately?'" It seems fairly obvious that there would have been. Just some input in how I see it at least. Have fun.
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
Thank you both. I will take note of all of this advice when I get started on my rewrite in a few weeks. I am just about finished with the first draft. I should be finished in the next couple days. Also, someone else gave me some pretty good advice, when she reviewed the first few chapters: it might work better if I changed Dr. Marks to a priest, rather than a psychiatrist (you two would probably understand that more if you read more on Dr. Marks). Anyway, I haven't decided yet, but it's just a thought.
Oh, and I actually thought of another, but similiar, opening to this one. I should have it up here soon.
