Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Two Halves

This is topic Two Halves - first 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by marta (Member # 9058) on :

Hello,
This is my first 13 lines. I've been working on my book for the past year and I'm almost done (103000 words). Never written anything before and I have that funny feeling of butterflies and nervousness in the pit of my stomach now. Any comments and questions are most welcome; I'm a newbee but have thick skin

THANK YOU!

The downturn of what was to be my new life begun with a dream that too soon became a reality. If I only paid more attention to this dream, perhaps things would have been different; perhaps I would still have a life.
I let out a big cry and opened my eyes wide in the middle of the night. The relief of being alive, being here, washed over in the form of sweat. White sheets wrapped tightly around my body. Scattered damp spots enlarged as the droplets of moisture rolled down from my underarms, back and forehead, to become one with the fabric.
“Ughh, what am I going to get myself into now?” I mumbled incoherently glancing over the room with half glued eyes.

Posted by marta (Member # 9058) on :

Sorry, forgot to add genre: YA Fiction
Thanks,

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

First, congrats on the word count. That is a real accomplishment. However, 100000 words is a bit long for YA. My suggestion is to look through the story and find the first moment of "Oh my gosh this story is so awesome." and then start right before. That will probably bring the word count down to where you want it to be.

There is a lot of good in the opening. I'm getting the character and the voice, and some dread. I just don't think you are starting at a moment of change, or at the real beginning of this story you've just spent the last year working on.

If you decide to stay with this opening, I suggest you change the first sentence, and focus more on the crux of the story, as apposed to the gunk in her eyes after waking up. Also mumbling something adverbially is frowned on.

The first thirteen of a story is where the reader should ask; who are these characters, what are they doing, where are they doing it, and why should the reader care. Oh, and it should also hook.

For me, your first thirteen didn't give me any of these answers. I wouldn't keep reading.

Good luck with it,
~Sheena

Posted by CharityBradford (Member # 8988) on :

I agree with Shimiqua. You have some nice descriptions, but you should save that for after we are pulled into the story. Get to the action quickly, help me see the conflict and care about the MC and I'll keep reading.

Good luck and great job on finishing your first draft! Now comes the hard part, but it can be even more rewarding than the initial writing if you stick to it.

Posted by marta (Member # 9058) on :

Thank you for the feedback. Going to work on it now.
Marta

Posted by marta (Member # 9058) on :

OK, here's the revised version:
First revision:

“Ahhhhh!” I let out a loud cry and opened my eyes wide in the middle of the night. The relief of being alive, being here, washed over in the form of sweat. White sheets wrapped tightly around my body. Scattered damp spots enlarged as the droplets of moisture rolled down from my underarms and back, to become one with the fabric.
“Ughh, what am I going to get myself into now?” I hissed immediately covering my mouth. Where did that come from?
I crouched on the bed scanning my bedroom. This dream placed me somewhere else. I noticed my stance. “No!” I yelled sitting back down.
A hollow sound came from the pit of my stomach and it wasn’t from hunger. My gut was warning me. This dream was strong. It already woke up unwanted instincts.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

I haven't ever done this before, so I hope it's all right.

Wum posted this:

quote:
Hi Marta:
In trying to convey night sweats from a bad dream, you can increase the tension by shortening the narrative. Short, choppy sentences do better than long, wordy ones. Your opening would hook me if I had a reason to feel involved in your character's angst. What is causing the nightmare? What is the nightmare about? Unless you tease the reader with a little more information, I doubt an agent or editor will read on. Find your POV character's key internal and external turning point in Chapter One and rewrite this so we know why he/she feels this night-sweat angst and how it is affecting his/her life. At least tease us with the issue: job loss, death in the family, science experiment gone awry, etc.
As for sentence structure, I've suggested alternatives (see below)as a way of tightening your narrative--not as a copy-this-my-way exercise:

“Ahhhhh!” I let out a loud cry and opened my eyes wide in the middle of the night. (A bit clunky. Here is an example of conveying everything you've said here and below, in fewer lines: "Ahhh!" I screamed, my eyes bulging against my soaked pillow case. At least I was awake and alive, or was I? The pit in my stomach was no dream.)

The relief of being alive, being here, washed over in the form of sweat. (Washed over what? Whom?)
White sheets wrapped tightly around my body. Scattered damp spots enlarged as the droplets of moisture rolled down from my underarms and back, to become one with the fabric. (All this can be deleted)
“Ughh,(Ughh tends to communicate a comic feel. Find a different word.) what am I going to get myself into now?” (Going to...? Or did?) I hissed (comma)immediately covering my mouth. Where did that come from?
I crouched on the bed scanning my bedroom. This dream placed me somewhere else. I noticed my stance. (If it's a sleepwalk, it is unclear) “No!” I yelled sitting back down.
A hollow sound came from the pit of my stomach and it wasn’t from hunger. My gut was warning me. This dream was strong. It already woke up unwanted instincts. (Suggest re-working the sentence)
Good luck,
Wum

in a topic that was superfluous to this topic and needed to be deleted.

So I've quoted his post over here, in order that it not be lost.

I hope that's okay, Wum.

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

You do have some good images, but I am very confused as to what is going on. I think we need a sentence or two of clarification.

quote:
“Ughh, what am I going to get myself into now?” I hissed immediately covering my mouth. Where did that come from?

This makes no sense. Is someone or something speaking through her? Is this her speaking in her dream?

quote:
I crouched on the bed scanning my bedroom. This dream placed me somewhere else. I noticed my stance. “No!” I yelled sitting back down.

This also makes no sense. She is in her bedroom, but the dream has placed her somewhere else?? The "I noticed my stance." is vague, could you describe her stance. I really don't understand why she is freaking out her. From how it reads she woke up in her bed, because you describe her being in sweaty sheets. She is in her bedroom so I don't understand how the dream put her somewhere else. It seems like she just awoke in an awkward position. Did I miss something?

quote:
A hollow sound came from the pit of my stomach and it wasn’t from hunger. My gut was warning me. This dream was strong. It already woke up unwanted instincts.

So is she still dreaming? "Unwanted instincts" is vague and explains nothing.

I expect to be somewhat disoriented in starting a story, but this leaves me with too many questions and no answers. I wouldn't read on.

I hope this helps.

Posted by marta (Member # 9058) on :

OK, here's a little clarification,
The MC is different struggling with what/who she is as there is no one like her in the world (or so she thinks).
Her dreams are premonitions of future events, that's why this dream places her somewhere else. The dreams will happen, no way of going around it. She is awake though.
She's speaking to herself (she leads a pretty lonesome life - for now)
The scar freaks her out (see revised version below).
I've made adjustments. Hope it's a little better.

“Ahhhhh!” I let out a loud cry. My body shot up to a sitting position. It was only midnight and the white sheets around me were soaked with sweat. At least I was still alive. I touched the middle of my ribcage. There was no scar – not even a white mark resembling one. How would that happen; I can’t scar?! I thought disbelieving the inevitable.
“What am I going to get myself into?” I hissed, pulling back at the corners of my mouth. Shame covered my lips.
I crouched on the bed scanning my bedroom. This dream placed me somewhere else. How soon would it happen? I waited for an attack noticing my hovering posture. “No!” I screamed sitting back down.
A hollow sound came from the pit of my stomach and it wasn’t

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 31, 2010).]

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

This also makes little sense. I feel as if disjointed pieces of an opening were thrown at me. The character is fearful, grateful, disbelieving, frustrated, shamed, alert, thoughtful, then upset, all within half a page. From this opening, I can't tell who the POV character is, where she is, what she's doing, or why she's doing it. Perhaps if you opened with the previous day, or on a day when she's watching a minor premonition come true, then you'll have enough time to beckon us into the world.

*Edited to correct a word.

[This message has been edited by aspirit (edited April 01, 2010).]

Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :

I'm having trouble with the most recent version. The first version I sort of got that it was a dream. The second got a little more convoluted. The third was the hardest to understand.

I think the problem is you are trying to cram too much information into the first thirteen lines. And when I read that you have upwards of 100k words in a YA, I think you might be trying to put too much info into the book in general.

I know how much it sucks to hear that your YA has too many words. I wrote a YA fantasy that was 109,000 words when I finished it. I sent out queries and got form rejection after form rejection. The only personalized letter I got back was from an agent that said I was in the wrong genre to sell such a long book. So I started a new book, finished in 55,000 words and set the 100k+ book aside for a while.

As for your first 13, have you considered what some of the others have said and started further along in the book? I don't think this part is the strongest part of the story. The writing is descriptive, but there is a lot going on and is just a little too hard to follow.

Anyway, good luck!

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

Okay, well, I wasn't able to read everyones comments in this forum, so I'm not entirely sure if the point has already been made, but I do have to say first of all, good imagery. Now, second of all, I'm a little confused as to what is going on in this. If this is the first thirteen lines of the novel, I would suggest making your point more clearly somehow. Honestly, I read it several times and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was going on.

Then again, that's just me, out of hundreds of other writers and readers. Don't take that the wrong way, though. It was just slightly confusing to me.