I was hoping to get some feedback on my hook. Is it, I don't know... hook-y enough? This is the first time offering any of my stuff up for critique, so this is a bit unnerving, to be honest.
There were a few things about summoning demons that Marat’s father taught him, but those were unintentional. The lessons were really meant for were for his older brother, the promised one, and the light of his father’s eye. The younger boy often crouched behind a tree just out of sight of the campfire, peering at his brother and his father speaking in hushed tones over roasted venison and archaic spells. Hour after hour they would pour over that demon-skin book, tracing out pentacles in the dirt with sticks, bonding.
Marat tugged his dirty hand through his long, tangled hair and sighed, but not loudly enough to be noticed by the two sitting alone at the campfire. He had to strain to overhear what was being said, until he gave up and decided to get a little closer.
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Okay, here's the new version
There were a few things about summoning demons that Marat’s father taught him, but that was unintentional. As he stood in a circle of his fellow monks, watching his older brother finish the runes bordering the edges of the pentacle, he felt that familiar sensation of jealousy and loathing grip his insides, like an iron snake would curl around a fieldmouse. Darius would never know how he felt about him. Making sure nobody noticed, his blue shoe slipped out from under the ceremonial cloak, smudging one of the intricate runes closest to him. If anyone but Darius were to look at it, it was unlikely they would notice the chalk was smudged ever so slightly on the scorched forest clearing. The leaders didn’t like their monks to be too educated.
[This message has been edited by RationalDelirium (edited March 11, 2010).]
I want to say, that first sentence is promising. So very promising. It is a good hook. And then you jump right into a flashback and I lose interest.
The thing is flashbacks are (almost always) a no-no. (The only reason I say almost always is because once in a while, a writer comes along and breaks some--or all--the rules, and they do it so magically, so wonderfully, we as readers forgive the transgression. So tread carefully when breaking rules.)
Flashbacks are clunky, passive things that turn me off at almost every point in a book. That isn't the same as referencing the past to give your character a history. Say your lead watches a car accident unfold in front of them and can't help but compare it (briefly) to the accident that killed their brother five years ago: that is referencing the past. But if a character is pulled back into the memory for a paragraph or more, it is a flashback. If you keep it short and sweet, and make sure it is essential to the plot (as in, it can't be sprinkled through the book in other ways) then it is (probably) okay. But starting your book off with a flashback usually means you started in the wrong place.
You either need to start earlier (by beginning with the event you are flashing back to) or later (by skipping the flashback altogether).
That being said, I think you have a very clear style here, and that first line and I really liked that first line. I hope this has helped some, but if not, feel free to disregard it. This is just one person's opinion. (Just a note, even if twenty people told you the same thing, take it with a grain of salt. You are the writer. Yours is the only opinion that matters in the end. Critiquing is just a way to get other perspectives. It's hard, but don't let it get to you.)
Good luck!
Also, pentegrams are kind of a common witch-crafty, magical symbol. Maybe you could come up with some other arcane-type symbols that convey the idea that they are dabbling in sorcery or include the pentegram with others?
I like the idea of a father teaching an elder son and the younger being the true natural talent, or the one to learn it in secret. I'd be very interested in hearing more about it.
Good job.
)
Furthermore, I think is done well. This isn't a boy reminiscing over his brother getting more baseball time with dear ol' dad... they are summoning demons! And that the MC was not supposed to know... interesting stuffs indeed. I is hooked.
But, for those other folks, just about the only thing that could help massage over the impression that it is a flashback would be to bring the event to the fore earlier, as in:
...and the light of his father’s eye. ON NIGHTS LIKE TONIGHT, the younger boy often crouched...
Boom. Then we know it is setting, not flashback.
Good job.
But thanks for all feedback! This is quite excellent. Different versions will ensue as soon as real life stops getting in my way...
I partially agree with Teraen. In the first paragraph, when the Marat remembers his brother learning spells with his father, it's establishing context. Not just context for his statement, though! The last line of that paragraph does something subtle, which is create the feeling of resentment without outright stating it. This line:
quote:
Hour after hour they would pour over that demon-skin book, tracing out pentacles in the dirt with sticks, bonding.
The last word, "bonding" is thrown in there almost contemptuously. It drives home the feeling of anger he feels that he wasn't included in these sessions.
The second paragraph of your original version, however, continues on suddenly as if one of those remembered training sessions were occurring in the present. It's not as interesting as the reminiscing, so here I'd recommend jumping to your second version and the circle of monks.
Now, though, because you've already established the resentment, you don't need the line about "jealousy and loathing gripping his insides." In fact, it works better without it. Ditch the line about Darius never knowing as well, it's just repeating what we already know. Besides, it's normal for people to hide their jealousy, we can assume without being told.
Finally, my last suggestion is just to make the line that starts "Making sure nobody noticed..." a new paragraph. It's best not to mix action and reaction in the same paragraph.
Version 1
quote:
There were a few things about summoning demons that Marat’s father taught him, but those were unintentional. The lessons were really meant for were for his older brother, the promised one, and the light of his father’s eye. The younger boy often crouched behind a tree just out of sight of the campfire, peering at his brother and his father speaking in hushed tones over roasted venison and archaic spells. Hour after hour they would pour over that demon-skin book, tracing out pentacles in the dirt with sticks, bonding.
I really like this part because it shows why Marat would be so jealous of his older brother. It also flows very nicely from the first sentence which I love. The prose could use some tightening, but I don't want to do a line by line if you're not going to use this opening.
Version 2
quote:
There were a few things about summoning demons that Marat’s father taught him, but that was unintentional. I don't think this first line works anymore. It doesn't connect with the rest of the paragraph since Marat is not summoning a demon. I think you should start with the jealousy. As he stood in a circle of his fellow monks, watching his older brother finish the runes bordering the edges of the pentacle, he felt that familiar sensation of jealousy and loathing grip his insides, like an iron (cut iron) snake would (cut would and use curled instead of curl) curl around a fieldmouse. Darius would never know how he felt about him (cut about him that is obvious). Making sure (how is he making sure? Glancing around?) nobody noticed, his blue shoe slipped out from under the ceremonial cloak, smudging one of the intricate runes closest to him. If anyone but Darius were to look at it, it was unlikely they would notice the chalk was smudged ever so slightly on the scorched forest clearing (you mean ground?). The leaders didn’t like their monks to be too educated.
I like this one too. The younger brother sabotaging his brother's attempt at summoning demons. What is there not to love?
I guess you hook me either way, but the second one does seem to get the story moving faster. Nice job.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited March 13, 2010).]
One thing I would suggest if you want to leave that in is simply have him do that to his brother, without explaining why. Leave it up to the reader to start to wonder why he does it:
There were a few things about summoning demons that Marat’s father taught him, but that was unintentional. As he stood in a circle of his fellow monks, watching his older brother finish the runes bordering the edges of the pentacle,
CUT HERE
he felt that familiar sensation of jealousy and loathing grip his insides, like an iron snake would curl around a fieldmouse. Darius would never know how he felt about him.
START HERE
Making sure nobody noticed, his blue shoe slipped out from under the ceremonial cloak, smudging one of the intricate runes closest to him. If anyone but Darius were to look at it, it was unlikely they would notice the chalk was smudged ever so slightly on the scorched forest clearing. The leaders didn’t like their monks to be too educated.
See? Now we start to wonder why he would do that to his brother. Is it because he is protecting him? ("Leaders didn't like their monks too educated" maybe he is making his brother look imcompetent to protect him.) Is it because he is jealuous?
This, of course, depends on the rest of the scene. But seeing him act is much more potent than simply telling us he felt jealous. It functions as a good hook, plus it gets the reader involved because they are going to get curious about
1) what happens when the mark is smudged?
2) why did he do that?
So the combined version might look like:
There were a few things about summoning demons that Marat’s father taught him, but those were unintentional. The lessons were really meant for were for his older brother, the promised one, and the light of his father’s eye. On nights like tonight, the younger boy often crouched behind a tree just out of sight of the campfire, peering at his brother and his father speaking in hushed tones over roasted venison and archaic spells. Hour after hour they would pour over that demon-skin book, tracing out pentacles in the dirt with sticks, bonding.
He stood in a circle of his fellow monks, watching his older brother finish the runes bordering the edges of the pentacle. Making sure nobody noticed, his blue shoe slipped out from under the ceremonial cloak, smudging one of the intricate runes closest to him. If anyone but Darius were to look at it, it was unlikely they would notice the chalk was smudged ever so slightly on the scorched forest clearing. The leaders didn’t like their monks to be too educated.
[This message has been edited by Teraen (edited March 13, 2010).]
the story has promise. Between the two versions, I prefer the first, but certainly keep working on it. You've received some good feedback.
One thing to be aware of is that spell-checkers don't catch valid homophones. It's perfectly good grammar to "pour" something over a book (water? milk? sugar?) but people who are studying intensely are more likely to pore over it.
But don't worry. At least it's not as bad as "The throws of passion," which invariably leads to the throw of the manuscript, by the editor, into the bin.
Best,
Rob Roy.
I'm conflicted over what I'm going to do with the beginning. The second version stems from a scene later on, but now I don't even know if I want to show this character so early in the plot. He's the antagonist (one of them), so where's the line between foreshadowing/prologue and being incredibly obvious?
It's quite the conundrum.
Maybe I should focus on actually finishing this thing...
quote:
Maybe I should focus on actually finishing this thing...
Yes, once you get to the end, it may become clear where you should begin.