Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Wandering God [nearly finished]

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Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

Some of you may have commented on my last post for this novel. It's still there for those of you who want to go and dig it out, but as I am nearly finished with the first draft I figured that I would start the post over to avoid confusion on both my and your part.

263 pages
54,000 words
Fantasy
Looking for anything you can give me. including offers to read the entire manuscript.

Without further ado:

“I suppose this means we’ve won,” said the wounded knight to the enemy soldier lying slumped against a nearby tree with the knight’s broad sword still protruding from his belly. “Well,” corrected the knight, “I suppose this means I’ve won.” He chuckled to himself at his poor joke and groaned in pain from the gash in his side that was going to kill him.

In the distance he could see his compatriots searching the battlefield for the wounded through the dense fog that clung to the rolling hills that had been churned into mud from the large battle.

“You know,” he said, again talking to the corpse, “it seems like a rather silly thing to fight a war over.”

“What does?”

The end must have been closer than he’d thought.

Let me know what you think.

I am officially done with the first draft (finally) and am looking for people who want to read her.

[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited January 28, 2010).]

Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :

I like it. The only thing I want is a name for the knight. Unless he does die right away and this is only a prologue?

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

Yeah he's dead meat.

Posted by dougsguitar on :

BG9723; I am starting off confused from the get-go. I could probably figure the scene out if I wanted to study it a bit, but as a reader standing in the book store, I probably would'nt. I'm not sure who is lying slumped. The sentence seems to go too far without a break. I'm not sure which 'he' is seeing the compatriots in the field. The dense fog/rolling hills/mud sentence is a bit confusing as well. Then I don't see the question; 'What Does' to be totally ( at least not clearly ) the appropriate comment to the previous sentence. Also I'm not entirely certain who is saying what at this point.
The scene would work much better for me if the characters were more identifiable. I would suggest breaking the long sentences into either shorter discripts or rewording them for clarity. Also it sounds to me like both men are about to die. Hope this helped. doug

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

Yes it helped, thanks.
To clarify (as I will also do when I come back to this beginning in a few weeks) one of the men is dead (the one with the sword sticking out of him) both of them on the ground, and the not dead one is viewing the people on the battle field.

Also, the point of this style of posting (as I understand it) is not whether or not you would buy this book from the 13 lines, it is whether or not you would keep reading as an editor considering the work for publication. I don't think anyone would buy a book off of the shelf with only reading the first few sentences. As such :P childish I know but it felt appropriate.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

The first 13 for a novel works vvery differently from the first 13 for a short story.

With a short story, readers are not generally buying an individual story (though there are now exceptions - e.g. Anthology Builder); they are buying magazines or anthologies and it is really not up to the individual author to sell to a reader, but it IS the writer's job to hook and sell to an editor. With a sort story submission, the story is basically all you have to hook an editor.

Novels are different. In terms of selling to a reader, you have the title, the cover and the back cover copy (usually a summary of the "set-up" of the plot, with a teaser) which most readers will look at before they actually open the book. When they open the book what they are most likely looking for is the style of the writing - does it engage their interest.

As for hooking an editor - again, when you are trying to sell a novel, you will be sending out query letters, usually with a synopsis (sometimes a telling of the entire plot, sometimes a sort of extended back cover style teaser), as well as around three chapters. The editor will decide whether to look at your chapters based on the synopsis, and then whether to finish those chapters based on the first 13. So it's much more about showing that you are a confident writer with a working narrative voice, less about establishing any particular setting, character or plot hook.

The first 13 lines is usually about 150 words. That might be 10% of a flash story, but is merely a fraction of a percentage of a novel. So it's unrealistic to expect a novel first 13 to do much in terms of creating the story in a reader's mind, compared to a short story opening.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

/applause

Posted by Dark Warrior (Member # 8822) on :

/world of warcraft?

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

/shh!

Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :

You wrote -- “I suppose this means we’ve won,” said the wounded knight to the enemy soldier lying slumped against a nearby tree with the knight’s broad sword still protruding from his belly. ---

Wow, that is one long tag. I would write this as sentenes.

The wounded knight's eyes drifted over the enemy solder. He lay slumped against a nearby tree with the knight's sword still protruding from his belly.

"I suppose this means we've won," the knight said.

You wrote -- In the distance he could see his compatriots searching the battlefield for the wounded through the dense fog that clung to the rolling hills that had been churned into mud from the large battle.

Too long of a sentence, at least with the two "thats."

In the distance, his compatriots searched the battlefield for the wonded. They made their way through the dense fog that clung to the muddy, rolling hills.

I like how the knight is talking to himself, but hopefully there is a good reason to start the story with someone that dies right away.

Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :

Edited: What age group is this story for? 54,000 words seems just a little short for an adult fantasy since young adult usually falls between 40,000 and 75,000 words. If I were an editor looking at this, I'd be a little worried about sticking a thin book on the shelf next to the likes of Terry Goodkind and Robert Jordan. I'm not saying it needs to be huge, but maybe more than 54,000 words. (Of course if this is YA we're talking about, you nailed it! But I get the feeling it's not.)

That first line totally calls up the song Do You Hear What I Hear ("Said the night wind to the little lamb/Do you see what I see"). I'll probably be singing it as I go to bed tonight. Since I don't think that's what you were going for, you might want to find a way to segment that tag down.

Second, I like the descriptive about the mud and fog and the hill, but there is so much of it all at once that I get a little lost in it all. I didn't understand right at first who the two guys in the scene were. But I got it there at the end.

I got the impression that because you didn't name him, the knight is not long for this world. I was glad to read your later post that confirmed this. Don't give him a name. I don't want to attach too much if he is going to die.

Finally, I liked where it was going. Those last two lines really got me. Am I correct to think the supposedly dead guy wasn't really dead after all? If so, that would certainly spark a lot of questions, and I'd probably want to read more (provided the other few lines were cleaned up).

Good luck with this, and I hope I've helped in some small way!

[This message has been edited by TrishaH24 (edited February 26, 2010).]

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

In response to some of the comments on this thread and from people who have read the work in the real world, I have edited the F13. Breaking up the run on sentences and making it flow a lot better. (In my opinion at least.)

“I suppose this means we’ve won,” said the wounded knight. He glanced over to the enemy soldier lying slumped against a nearby tree with a broad sword still protruding from his belly. “Well,” corrected the knight, “I suppose this means I’ve won.” He chuckled to himself at his poor joke and groaned in pain from the gash in his side that was going to kill him. He shifted his position against the tree he was leaning against in an attempt to alleviate that pain, but did not succeed.

In the distance his compatriots searched the battlefield for survivors. Through the dense fog he could see their ghostlike forms wandering across the rolling hills that a few hours ago had been lush and green, but had been churned into mud from the large battle.

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

Others have addressed what I was going to say, but so far so good, aside from the few problems needing to be fixed. I did get confused, too, at some parts, but I might read on, after of course you made it a bit more readable and less confusing. The sentence after the first piece of dialogue got me. It was way too wordy for me.

Anyway, congradulations on finishing this.

I wish you this best of luck.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

quote:
What age group is this story for? 54,000 words seems just a little short for an adult fantasy since young adult usually falls between 40,000 and 75,000 words. If I were an editor looking at this, I'd be a little worried about sticking a thin book on the shelf next to the likes of Terry Goodkind and Robert Jordan. I'm not saying it needs to be huge, but maybe more than 54,000 words. (Of course if this is YA we're talking about, you nailed it! But I get the feeling it's not.)

True. A novel, other than YA, should be about 80,000 to 120,000 words. But I wouldn't worry too much about that in a first draft. In my experience, the first sets of revisions could well make up the difference.

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

With the overwhelming media attention of "The Twilight Saga" (rolls eyes) I have decided to change the title of this book to The Wandering God to avoid any unwanted association with that particular work.

In addition, the revising of this work continues apace and I am now looking for readers of the first three chapters.

[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited October 18, 2010).]

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

Also, it occurs to me that I cleaned up this first scene a while ago but never posted it here:

~Prologue
“I suppose this means we’ve won,” said the wounded knight. He glanced over to the enemy soldier lying slumped against a nearby tree with a broad sword still protruding from his belly. “Well,” corrected the knight, “I suppose this means I’ve won.” He chuckled to himself at his poor joke and groaned in pain from the gash in his side that was going to kill him. He shifted his position against the tree he was leaning in an attempt to alleviate that pain, but did not succeed.
In the distance his compatriots searched the battlefield for survivors. Through the dense fog he could see their ghostlike forms wandering across the rolling hills that a few hours ago had been lush and green, but had been churned into mud from the large battle.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Do you want me to change the title of the topic, bandgeek9723, to reflect your title change for the book?

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

Sure, thanks

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

I like this. Much more clearer from your first post, but it could use a little tightening.

quote:
~Prologue
“I suppose this means we’ve won,” said the wounded knight. He glanced over to (cut over to and replace with at) the enemy soldier lying slumped against a nearby (cut nearby, of course the tree is nearby) tree with a broad sword still protruding from his belly. “Well,” corrected the knight, “I suppose this means I’ve won.” He chuckled to himself at his poor joke and groaned in pain from the gash in his side that was going to kill him. He shifted his position against the tree he was leaning (cut he was leaning against that is implied) in an attempt to alleviate that pain, but did not succeed.
In the distance his compatriots searched the battlefield for survivors.(I think you can cut this whole sentence since you show this in the next one) Through the dense fog he could see their ghostlike forms wandering across the rolling hills that a few hours ago had been lush and green, but had been churned into mud from the large battle (IMO, you should cut everything after hills. I don't see how he would see the ground in dense fog, and I don't think it really adds to the scene).

Just a few suggestions, but overall I liked it. Good luck with this.

Posted by DevinAethnen (Member # 8776) on :

I think your edit is much clearer. I agree with Map's suggestions.

But I have one more nitpicky thing: I think that "glanced" is not really the right word. The knight's talking to the dead soldier, so wouldn't he already be looking at him? What if you say, "He wasn't expecting a reply from the enemy soldier who ..." or "The enemy soldier continued to stare back glassy-eyed from where he lay slumped ..." or something like that?

Posted by Chris Northern (Member # 9280) on :

Much improved from the first version, bangeek. Still, I recommend writing another version. In the second para you open out from a closed scene; better practive to set the scene first, no matter how briefly. Sound and sight overview. "verbals." get the name in/specific descriptions.

It's generally done that way for a reason; the 'fog' description jerks the attention away from the scene (because its new info) instead of atmospherically supproting it. If we allready know we (the reader) will merge it in ourselves.

In the distance is too vague.

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

Here is yet another attempt at the prologue for this book. I've cut out the original first scene entirely and re-worked the second scene that no one ever saw on this thread. It's a little rough at this point and I will fix that, but this is what I have. Gimme your thoughts and as always, be honest.

~Prologue
Walking the ancient battlefield Sendrith could feel the death around him. It was a palpable thing. He felt as though he were stepping over bodies heaped onto the ground. It was here three-hundred years ago that the last great battle of the last great war had been fought and lost. This was a place that the world had forgotten. There was nothing on this field at the edge of The Velore Forest that honored the thousands of lives lost.

The wizard Sendrith thought these things and smiled. He was not here to honor the dead. He was here to rob them. Reaching the edge of the trees, Sendrith began his search in earnest. From deep within his robe he pulled a small cylindrical emerald. Cupping it in his hands he held it up to his mouth and whispered a few inaudible words to it. Letting it go it hung in

I'm still looking for people to read the first three chapters of the re-write.

[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited November 08, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 08, 2010).]