Here's the current first two paragraphs of my novel. I'd love to hear some feedback.
[A REVISED VERSION IS POSTED BELOW]
For six months Daphne was almost happy. Left alone amid the creaks and groans of the empty, decaying building, she dealt quick deaths to her case files. Occasionally she’d glance down at the small display embedded in her wrist and chuckle, surprised that her metric had reached the upper 800s—her best score in years. Her entire department, and in fact most of the planet, had begun “dreaming of work,” the awful Greater Authority slogan for the transition to working in the heights. This left the enormous building utterly empty except for her—until a robot appeared out of the darkness so suddenly that she almost punched it. Horrifically it spoke with her boss’s voice, telling her that if she didn’t report to the new office chamber in the heights he was going to fire her.
[This message has been edited by cantgetnosleep (edited December 20, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by cantgetnosleep (edited December 21, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 22, 2009).]
quote:
For six months Daphne was almost happy. Left alone amid the creaks and groans of the empty, decaying building, she dealt quick deaths to her case files. I like this Occasionally she’d glance down at the small display embedded in her wrist and chuckle, surprised that her metric had reached the upper 800s—her best score in years. I don't know what a metric is, but I can get an in-context definition, so it's fine. Her entire department, and in fact most of the planet, had begun “dreaming of work,” the awful Greater Authority slogan for the transition to working in the heights. This is where I got confused. What is the "Greater Authority"? What are "the heights"? Does "dreaming of work" mean literally dreaming about work? This left the enormous building utterly empty except for her—until a robot appeared out of the darkness so suddenly that she almost punched it. Horrifically it spoke with her boss’s voice, telling her that if she didn’t report to the new office chamber in the heights he was going to fire her.Daphne stalked down to the transport layer, and upon arriving at the small apartment she shared with her husband, she paced between the sandbox and the couch until she was an hour late. Now I'm confused again. I thought she was living alone in the abandoned building. She lives in an appartment with a husband?
Revision:
For six months Daphne was almost happy. Left alone amid the creaks and groans of the empty, decaying building, she dealt quick deaths to her case files. Occasionally she’d glance down at the small display embedded in her wrist and chuckle, surprised that her metric had reached the upper 800s—her best score in years. Her entire department, and in fact most of the planet, had begun “dreaming of work,” the awful Greater Authority slogan for the transition to working in the heights. This left the enormous office building utterly empty except for her—until a robot appeared out of the darkness so suddenly that she almost punched it. Horrifically it spoke with her boss’s voice, telling her that if she didn’t report to the new office chamber in the heights he was going to fire her.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 22, 2009).]
Why not show us that, instead of telling us in one bald, empty sentence? This is a novel, you have words aplenty to involve us with character, to dazzle us with detail... but that sentence reads like part of a synopsis.
If all the action/dialogue/story starts on the next page and you are rushing through this "boring" part to get to the good stuff, I would suggest cutting it and starting where the story does. You could always work this information in later.
In response to the comments:
First off, thanks for taking the time to give me some feedback. Yeah, pretty much in the third paragraph the scene becomes more concrete. I found myself flashing back or explaining the setup, and I thought I'd try having a bit of narrative summary to lead into the scene. But maybe I don't have that luxury. Or maybe I should just unfold those paragraphs into more concrete settings.
The idea is, and this is not at all clear without reading the rest of the scene, to show the flow from her office, to her apartment, into the sandbox, and then to the heights. And I was worried that if I anchored the reader to concretely into the first the office and the apartment, this would be jarring. But maybe it's worse using narrative summary.
wrt the terms like "Greater Authority" and "the heights." My intent by throwing those out there early was to raise the question in the reader's mind as to what those terms mean. I thought by context that Greater Authority would be fairly clear--that it is some kind of ruling body--but it's always hard to know what's clear to the reader and what isn't when you're close to the story.
I would be curious to get comments from either of you (or anyone else) on the scene in its entirety. It's about 3 pages long. If you're willing, let me know and I can email a pdf or word doc or post it on my website.
[This message has been edited by cantgetnosleep (edited December 22, 2009).]
Maybe turn this tale-telling into her reaction to the facts, like you did in the sentence right before. It would carry the flow more smoothly while getting more into her head. Something like:
"She abhorred the new Greater Authority slogan she was supposed to practice, "dreaming of work",...