Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Query for THE SHAMAN'S CURSE A Different Way

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Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Okay, since my computer is going down for the count and I won't be able to transfer any files I update now to a replacement computer, I've decided that the only thing I feel comfortable working on are queries and synopses. These are short enough that I won't mind having to type them back in.

So, here's another attempt at the query for THE SHAMAN'S CURSE. After working on the query for BLOOD WILL TELL, I've taken a slightly different direction, this time. I think that the key may be to try and tell a story. This is still a guess. Ask me again after I've finally gotten a request for a partial.

quote:
Vatar, his younger brother, and best friend sneak off for what seems to them a harmless adventure to visit the river. As plains-living Dardani, they have never seen moving water, only waterholes and springs. And they don’t understand the signs of danger. Vatar’s friend is swept away and killed by a flash flood. The boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, blames Vatar and his brother and vows to avenge his son’s death.
Throughout his young adulthood, Vatar’s life is shaped by the need to fend off the shaman’s attacks. In these attempts, Vatar travels farther than most Dardani ever do and learns much. In using his knowledge to protect his brother and the other young men of his age from the shaman’s vendetta, he becomes a hero of the tribe.
But there is one thing Vatar cannot afford to learn--his own talent for magic. The Dardani have a deep distrust of magic and it could be just the tool the shaman needs to turn the people against Vatar. Though Vatar tries to deny it and refuses to learn to use it, his magic seeps out in small ways he cannot control.
When the shaman accuses Vatar of being possessed by an evil Spirit, Vatar’s choices are limited. He refuses outright to run away. And he obviously cannot submit to an exorcism, which will be only an excuse for the shaman to torture Vatar to death. The only other solution to his dilemma is to accuse the shaman and then challenge him to an Ordeal. The odds of death during an Ordeal are high, but it’s the only course that gives Vatar a chance to continue to live with honor.
Vatar’s ordeal will lead him to a woman he has only dreamed about and to finally accept his own magic in order to win her. And it’s a good thing, because he’s going to need those abilities to counter the shaman’s final attempt to kill Vatar.
THE SHAMAN’S CURSE is a fantasy novel of 113,000 words and is intended as the first of a series. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Second try:

quote:

Vatar, his younger brother, and best friend sneak off for what seems to them a harmless adventure to visit the river. As plains-living Dardani, they have never seen moving water, only waterholes and springs. And they don’t understand the signs of danger. Vatar’s friend is swept away and killed by a flash flood. The boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, blames Vatar and his brother and vows to avenge his son’s death.
Vatar’s life is shaped by the need to fend off the shaman’s attacks. With each failed attempt, the shaman becomes more desperate and Vatar becomes stronger. But Vatar must conceal and reject his own talent for magic. The Dardani distrust all magic and it could be just the tool the shaman needs to turn their people against Vatar. Though Vatar tries to deny it and refuses to learn to use it, his magic seeps out in small ways he cannot control and doesn’t always recognize as magic.
When the shaman accuses Vatar of being possessed by an evil Spirit, Vatar’s choices are limited. He refuses outright to run away. And he obviously cannot submit to an exorcism, which will be only an excuse for the shaman to torture Vatar to death. The only other solution to his dilemma is to accuse the shaman and then challenge him to an Ordeal. The odds of death during an Ordeal are high, but it’s the only course that gives Vatar a chance to continue to live with honor.
Vatar’s ordeal will lead him to finally accept his own magic. And it’s a good thing, because Vatar is going to need all of his abilities to counter the shaman’s final attempt to kill him.
THE SHAMAN’S CURSE is a fantasy novel of 113,000 words and is intended as the first of a series. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Third attempt:
Thanks for the comments. Owasm, I really appreciate your comments, since you've read the whole thing. I'm trying to keep out of Vatar's complicated familial relationships in the query. Saving that for the synopsis, but I did sneak in a bit about his real father. (For Book Two, I drew a genealogical chart instead of a map.)

quote:

As plains-living Dardani, Vatar and his friends have never seen moving water, only waterholes and springs. They sneak off for what seems to them a harmless adventure to visit the river. They are too inexperienced to understand that they have chosen the worst possible moment. Vatar’s best friend is swept away and killed by a flash flood. The tribe’s shaman blames Vatar for his son’s death and vows to take revenge.
Vatar’s life is shaped by the shaman’s vendetta. And that’s not his only problem. The Dardani distrust all magic that doesn’t come from their totem Spirits. So the discovery that Vatar has inherited magical abilities from a father he doesn’t even know is unwelcome--and dangerous. Vatar’s talents could be just the tool the shaman needs to turn their people against Vatar. Because Vatar tries to deny it and refuses to learn to use it, his magic seeps out in small ways he cannot always control.
When a woman Vatar once loved betrays a part of his secret, the shaman accuses Vatar of being possessed by an evil Spirit. He obviously can’t submit to an exorcism, which will be only an excuse for the shaman to torture Vatar to death. Instead, Vatar challenges the shaman to a trial by Ordeal. The odds of death during an Ordeal are high, but it’s the only course that gives Vatar a chance to continue to live with honor.
Vatar’s ordeal leads him to finally accept his own magic. That’s fortunate, because Vatar is going to need all of his abilities to counter the shaman’s final attempt to kill him.
THE SHAMAN’S CURSE is a fantasy novel of 113,000 words and is intended as the first of a series. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 09, 2009).]

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

Sounds interesting!

The only thing which confused me a bit was the part where you mention the Shaman's attacks on Vatar.
What form do they take. I assume they are magical in nature.

Otherwise, nicely done I'd say.

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

I like it. I think it is the best Query for your novel. It is a little long. I suggest making some cuts.

quote:
Vatar, his younger brother, and best friend sneak off for what seems to them a harmless adventure to visit the river. As plains-living Dardani, they have never seen moving water, only waterholes and springs. And they don’t understand the signs of danger. Vatar’s friend is swept away and killed by a flash flood. The boy’s father, the tribe’s shaman, blames Vatar and his brother and vows to avenge his son’s death.
Throughout his young adulthood, Vatar’s life is shaped by the need to fend off the shaman’s attacks. In these attempts, Vatar travels farther than most Dardani ever do and learns much. In using his knowledge to protect his brother and the other young men of his age from the shaman’s vendetta, he becomes a hero of the tribe. I suggest cutting the region in italics, and adding a one sentence transition to the magic, something like: Vatar is able to protect himself and his family until the Shaman discovers Vatar's innate magic.
But there is one thing Vatar cannot afford to learn--his own talent for magic. Cut the part in italics. The Dardani have a deep distrust of magic and it could be just the tool the shaman needs to turn the people against Vatar. Though Vatar tries to deny it and refuses to learn to use it, his magic seeps out in small ways he cannot control.
When the shaman accuses Vatar of being possessed by an evil Spirit, Vatar’s choices are limited. He refuses outright to run away. And he obviously cannot submit to an exorcism, which will be only an excuse for the shaman to torture Vatar to death. The only other solution to his dilemma is to accuse the shaman and then challenge him to an Ordeal. The odds of death during an Ordeal are high, but it’s the only course that gives Vatar a chance to continue to live with honor.
I think you should end here where the stakes are high and not mention the woman he has dreamed about. She may be important to the story, but I don't think it adds to the query. Maybe just mention about how he will need to learn to control his magic for any chance to defeat the Shaman.
Vatar’s ordeal will lead him to a woman he has only dreamed about and to finally accept his own magic in order to win her. And it’s a good thing, because he’s going to need those abilities to counter the shaman’s final attempt to kill Vatar.
THE SHAMAN’S CURSE is a fantasy novel of 113,000 words and is intended as the first of a series. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Good luck with this.

[This message has been edited by MAP (edited December 08, 2009).]

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Thanks for the comments. I'd like to think I'm finally getting to the right approach.

Second version above.

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

I started typing up a reply to this yesterday and was interrupted. Hopefully I'll have more luck on the second try. Forgive me if I repeat myself with something I've said in an earlier crit, I can't remember everything I started typing up yesterday.

quote:
(1)Vatar, his younger (2)brother, and best friend sneak off for what seems to them a harmless adventure to visit the river. As plains-living Dardani, they have never seen moving water, only waterholes and springs. (3)And they don’t understand the signs of danger. Vatar’s friend is swept away and killed by a flash flood. The boy’s father, (4)the tribe’s shaman, blames Vatar and his brother and vows to avenge his son’s death.
Vatar’s life (5)is shaped by (6)the need to fend off the shaman’s (7)attacks. With each failed attempt(8), the shaman becomes more desperate and Vatar (9)becomes stronger. (10)But Vatar must conceal(11) and reject his own talent for magic. The Dardani distrust all magic and it could be just the tool the shaman needs to turn their people against Vatar. Though Vatar tries to deny it and refuses to learn to use it, his magic seeps out in small ways he cannot control and doesn’t always recognize (12)as magic.
When the shaman accuses(13) Vatar of being possessed by an evil Spirit, Vatar’s choices are limited. He refuses(14) outright to run away. And he obviously cannot submit to an exorcism, which will be only an excuse for the shaman to torture Vatar to death. The only other solution to his dilemma is to accuse the shaman and then challenge him to an Ordeal. The odds of death during an Ordeal are high, but it’s the only course that gives Vatar a chance to continue to live with honor.
Vatar’s ordeal will lead him to finally accept his own magic. And it’s a (15)good thing, because Vatar is going to need all of his abilities to counter the shaman’s final attempt to kill him.
THE SHAMAN’S CURSE is a fantasy novel of 113,000 words and is intended as the first of a series. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you

1) When I compare this with the sentence that follows, the next sentence seems more interesting. Wow, someone who has never seen moving water! Hm. If I want to be grabbed by the throat by the query, I think the first sentence needs to be a little more compelling. I wonder if something more along the lines of {Vatar has never seen moving water, only the waterholes and springs of the plains.* might be a more compelling opening - and if the subject of the current opening might then become a logical second sentence.

2) Cut his brother. He is irrelevant to this summary of the query, becomes distracting, and should an agent request a partial they'll discover his role later anyway.

3) This sentence seems redundant as we've already been told that it 'seems to them a harmless adventure'.

4) This parenthetical(?) clause seems ungainly. Further, as 'shaman' is part of the title, I felt introducing him in this way makes him seem unimportant. What if, by comparison, it read more like {The tribe's shaman learns of his son's death and vows to take revenge on Vatar*?

5) A nit: I'd expect this to be 'becomes' or 'comes to be' or something - signifying the change introduced by the tragedy and not implying a steady state.

6) I think you can cut [the need to fend off], as it would seem to be implied.

7) I think [attacks], especially as a plural and in the context of the shaman's vow to avenge, is too ambiguous. I felt {increasing hostility* or something similar, would have worked better for me.

8) I believe it is a little ambiguous that we mean it is the shaman who has failed an attempt, and at what (on Vatar's life? to maim him? embarras him).

9) This seems... too simplistic?

10) I felt this paragraph became a little confusing. The introduction of the magic came at the wrong time for me. I wonder if it would have been stronger were magic introduced earlier (the reader will not be able to differentiate between the notion of a shaman and some 'other' kind of magic, either). For example,

{Vatar's tribe distrust all magic but the spirituality of their shaman. It is with a sense of confusion then that Vatar finds himself successfully repelling the repeated attacks of the shaman's vengeance with unexplainable deftness. Finding himself now at odds with both the shaman and his own beliefs about magic, Vatar must decide what to do.*

11) Why? The reader won't understand this until they've read the following exposition - I think the exposition needs to come before anything like this.

12) cut [as magic].

13) This needs expounding upon - the shaman has already been attacking Vatar multiple times, and we don't really know the nature of those attacks. So if all he needed to do was make an accusation, why didn't he do that first? Perhaps to explain it, you need to reference a specific, undeniable and shocking display of Vatar's magic. Purely for entertainment purposes, how about {Following a very public display of Vatar's magic, in which he briefly turns the shaman into a pumpkin, the shaman accuses Vatar of being possessed by an evil spirit.* If you see what I mean...

14) Why? I mean, I know why from a character/plot point of view, because passive characters who run away from problems aren't usually going to be followed by readers. But that doesn't explain why he actively refuses in this case. What if you simply cut this and the following sentence? Make no mention of running away, or the exorcism (which is otherwise irrelevant to this synopsis). Perhaps simply state {Suppressing his fears, Vatar counters the shaman's challenge with one of his own. Trial by ordeal.*?

15) I felt this was too informal, somehow, not fitting the voice in the rest of the synopsis. What if it were {...accept his own magic. A magic he will need, along with all of his abilities, to counter...*

Overall, I felt this was getting a bit more interesting, however the ungainliness of the magic discussion in paragraph two was distracting. Further, I felt that the issues of paragraph three could simply be dropped entirely: We've established that magic is anathema to the Dardani, so it is simply enough to say that he must learn to face and employ it should he wish to win his freedom.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

Hi, Meredith.

My impression is that there is too much description and not enough sell in your pitch. I think it needs to be tighter and you need to tell less of the story and more of the concept. I would keep it down to three paragraphs:

Vatar's inciting incident earning the shaman's emnity

Vatar's refuge in the mysterious city of Caere and his struggle over accepting the startling news that his real father is a city noble.

Vatar's redemption accepting his plains and magical heritages as he wages a personal battle for his life against the Shaman's Curse.

That makes for a new rewrite, but as I read queries, the key is engagement. The blurb for a query has got to sizzle and engage the agent. If it's a plot rehash, it has less chance to do that.

I hope that helps,

Owasm.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Thanks again.

Bump for new version.

Posted by Kitti (Member # 7277) on :

Meredith - I really like this version of the query. It's very focused on the big picture of Vatar's story, with just enough detail that I get a sense of the uniqueness in your world and plot. Maybe someone will see something I missed (it is awfully late as I type this, so my apologies if my comments are more incoherent than I realize...) but I think this version of the query might be The One. Or at least the start of The One.