Took me a bit to rebuild and come back.Whirring, clicking and humming the machine was playing when I arrived with my mum and pop. A voice crackles, "the twentieth century only 10 known cases of the god complex have been identified." Plain white screen with black typed letters list ten names. Scanning, I recognize none of them, other than number seven. My name. Only a moment, then music with tanks and dancing.
I particularly liked Divine watch craft.
I'm not sure where to place the narrator's pov though, and whether he (or she) can see these inner workings, and the people (presumably) operating the crank handles.
There were a couple of nits, but I'm not sure exactly how to approach them. I felt that a couple of sentence pairs in the first paragraph might be joined, or something - it felt a little choppy. And then there was [with my mum and pop] which felt like, somehow, the 'my' needed rethinking. (Personally, I say mum and dad, read a lot of mom and pop, and haven't encountered this mix of the two, which I found a little curious). And was [A voice crackles, "the twentieth] missing ["In]?
Thanks. Yeah, I really like those words to. This is actually the first "positive" review I've gotten on this site. My first short story attempt kind of got tore to shreds. Took me a bit to rebuild and come back.
The narrator's POV is a good point to bring up. I was considering that this is more of a prelude. Telling about how he came across the machine. So, it would be him narrating his childhood experience with the knowledge he gained. I dunno, I have a feeling someone will complain about how trite "flashbacks" or similar narration is. The people issue is easy, they're on the outside. I can make that clear.
Yeah, it was written kind of choppy. It's hard because the genre and what I'm working on currently almost demands it. If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.
Hmm that is one interesting nitpick. Well, it does take place in an alternate reality (Zeppelin airports etc.) I'm not certain whether it would be enhanced or detracted by throwing in non-traditional language.
The reel, yea it needs to be changed. Is there a good written method of describing static or white noise as the tape changes? I'm just thinking about ...
Wow, I'm exhausted but I can't thank you enough. Hopefully I can find a way to rewrite out some of those ponts. Thanks again!
[This message has been edited by revraidon (edited November 27, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by revraidon (edited November 27, 2009).]
quote:
The reel, yea it needs to be changed. Is there a good written method of describing static or white noise as the tape changes?
In a situation like this I just imagine myself telling the story to someone in person and consider how I would explain what's happening clearly and with no ambiguity (because unlike a real personal conversation, my audience can't ask for clarification). Doing it this way (I think) allows me to tell the story in my voice. I belive there are a thousand and one valid ways to say the same thing, but the only important thing is to make sure our written communication is crystal clear.
I'd offer some alternatives if I could think of any, but pressing demands by wife and kids are leaving me a little scatterbrained.
couple of nits: 'roles of film' should be rolls?
mixed tenses: 'arrived with my mum and pop. A voice crackles,'
past tense 'arrived' and present 'crackles' leaves me wondering when I am.
stutson
That said, here's my suggestions for improvement. As was mentioned earlier, your phrasing is a little choppy. "The infinity machine." "Divine watch craft." "An infinite combination of light and sound." "My name."
I have had a tendency to write like this at times. But you have to be careful because what you're seeing in your imagination is not really communicated with short phrases like that. It feels to me like you're trying to hard to communicate too much too quickly. Card has a great bit on Rhetoric and Style in his writing lessons that addresses some of this.
My suggestion would be to focus more on the character. What is he or she doing? How does he or she react?
Reading through this, the strongest bit (to me) is: "The machine was playing when I arrived with my mum and pop."
I would start with that, and go from there. I get from this an immediate question: what machine? Why is it important? And I also get a picture of the protagonist as a child, perhaps holding his or her parent's hands. This could lead into seeing the name on the screen, and then hearing the voice explain the list, or perhaps you could simply leave the explanation for a little later.
But that's just my suggestions. Thanks for posting. I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up.
The writing is rough - as an editor, I would probably have stopped at "roles" of film. Honestly, if you don't know the difference between roll and role, or can't be bothered to proofread your first line, it doesn't fill me with any kind of optimism. Watchcraft should probably be a single word. The fragmentary sentences are fine, though. I wasn't clear of setting so don't know whether the "man powered" handles really do give some kind of "soul" or whether this is a metaphor.
Also, "mum and pop" weirded me out - I think of "mom and pop" as a very American term, but "mum" as specifically British.
The choppy phrasing makes the description feel abstract to me, as if this were poetry instead of a story's opening. The language is attractive but I don't fully understand what is happening. I think establishing the POV up front will help a great deal.