Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Demon

This is topic Demon in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by insectica411 (Member # 8862) on :

This is my first thirteen lines (I think) I don't want to tell too much about the story but rather see if the lead does it's job to draw you into the story. Please let me know what you think. I have plenty thick skin so please don't spare my feelings.

He burst into consciousness on a stone slab, coughing and sputtering water from his lungs. With a deep, desperate breath he screamed out in agony as his muscles tensed and his bones cracked.
The wave of pain passed leaving him panting, trying to remember how he gotten here, but every attempt to remember was met with stabbing pain in his head.
After some time, he slowly stood and took stock of his situation. He was on a coast with gulls flittering around rocky crags and drift wood lining the shore.
His eyes widened as he looked down to his feet and saw a perfect imprint of his body, as though the rock had been clay when he landed there.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Two things jump out at me.

Who is 'he'? He has a name and presumably he remembers that. That's how he'd think of himself.

If his bones cracked, how did he stand up? That threw me right back out of the suspension of disbelief.

Posted by Teraen (Member # 8612) on :

Unless amnesia is a major theme in this story, I don't know if this is the best opening. It strikes me as a "when Bob woke up..."

... And its usually a bad idea to start with a character waking up. Maybe you could skip to the next event (does he wander around his surroundings? Interact with anyone?) and we can get bits and pieces of his awakening throughout whatever is going on...

Posted by Edward Douglas (Member # 8872) on :

My comments/suggestions are in brackets []

He burst into consciousness [I think it might be okay to just say he came awake (or if he's been revived to say: he returned to consciousness). Burst doesn't show or tell me anything.]

With a deep, desperate breath he screamed out [use of "with a deep" here cannot allow for a scream at the same time. Deep implies breathing in. Perhaps say: After a deep and desperate breath...]

[Next I might combine the theme of the last four sentences, but using his sense of hearing first, then sight, then touch. Example: The wave of pain passed. He was left panting as the pain returned each time he tried to recall any memory of how he had gotten here. He gave up and lay still. He could hear waves crashing to shore. The shrill laughter of seagulls pierced the air. Were they mocking him?

He opened his eyes...(I think you get the idea of where I'm going. Email me if you want me to see more)]

Keep writing!

Posted by Jesse D (Member # 3241) on :

I like this. I do agree with others that the description of his pain (bones cracking, muscles tearing, etc) becomes less believable when he stands up almost immediately. I think you might dwell longer on how the pain passes if you wish to make this more palatable to the critically-minded reader.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Although this is a "waking up" opening, it does seem to do its job pretty well. The "muscles tearing/bones crakcing" issue has already been addressed - it would be a lot more convincing if he felt as IF his bones were cracking.

Driftwood is one word (in my experience).

I'd read on.