Helmur came out of the privy with the air of a man who desperately needed air. The wooden door banged shut behind him, and he stood for a moment, gagging and struggling for breath, his meaty hands resting on his knees. A curse on all godsmen, he thought, remembering the blue-robed priest who’d stepped out of the privy just as he was about to enter it. How was it that the purest of men always seemed to produced the foulest of odors? “Bihr’s Beak, Helmur!” the weather-wise’s son, Ghaol Glemm, said, holding his nose. “What did you eat?” He and several others were milling around the stables a few yards away, a couple of them tossing a leather ball back and forth. Helmur pretended not to hear. He turned his face toward the Green Tower and began, deliberately, to trudge.
Posted by Jeff (Member # 8854) on :
(Helmur came out of the privy with the air of a man who desperately needed air.) Too much air for me, I get what the story is trying to say but maybe have him "come rushing out, the door slamming against its stops" or some other such stuff.
(The wooden door banged shut behind him, and he stood for a moment, gagging and struggling for breath, his meaty hands resting on his knees.) This is good and shore's up the line above.
(A curse on all godsmen, he thought, remembering the blue-robed priest who’d stepped out of the privy just as he was about to enter it. How was it that the purest of men always seemed to produced the foulest of odors?) I like this as well, maybe reword the last sentence as it seems to drag me out of the story a little bit.
(the weather-wise’s son, Ghaol Glemm, said, holding his nose) this is tripping my reading up a bit; I think it’s the combination of the unusual dialog tag and comma use. Maybe just the formatting would fix this too.
(He and several others were milling around the stables a few yards away) He who, was milling about? Helmur? Ghaol? More people?
I'm intrigued, I like the way it opens, if only because of the bathroom humor. It made me smile right off. With that said I'm not sure the hook is enough to hold me the way this is written right now though, maybe an revision would fix that.
[This message has been edited by Jeff (edited November 10, 2009).]
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
I love this.
I like how you show the attitude of the story, the humor rang true to me, and I would definitely keep reading.
I personally think it is just dern good, didn't want to comment, because nothing I say is helpful. But I like it. Go to. Write the thing, and then let me read it.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks so much shimiqua! When I have more written I'll send it right out to you!!
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
Good.
Posted by insectica411 (Member # 8862) on :
I liked the humor. It really sets the mood for the story. The last sentence seems a little weird to me. A little out of place. I think overall the lead could use some rewording. The content is good but the sentence structure makes me trip up and have to reread.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks for the comments. How about this: Helmur made it out of the privy just as his lungs gave out, moving with the air of a man who desperately (i)needed(/i) air. The wooden door banged shut behind him, and he stood for a moment, gagging and struggling for breath, his meaty hands resting on his knees.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
sorry messed up the italics
Posted by DaveBowen (Member # 8786) on :
A ripping start. The humor and tone carries well. I would love to read more.
Dave Bowen
Posted by silverberry (Member # 8945) on :
I like the story opening with a trip to a toilet, following after a "blue-robed priest." This sentence is a killer: "How was it that the purest of men always seemed to produced the foulest of odors?"
But the play on words in "with the air of a man who desperately needed air" is stale and feels contrived. The opening derives its impact from the juxtaposition of the unexpected: (1) a fantasy story starting at a toilet, and (2) the priest producing "the foulest of odors."
In general, humor appears out of unusual and/or mismatching combos. This is also why play on words can be funny, in general. But not in this case. Next to the much greater source of humor, the "air" thing feels like a cheap shot.
Leo
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks for the kind words guys! Working on it. Humor is a tough balance. I have to be in the mood to write it. When I'm not, it's hard to pull off. Sometimes I hit it, other times it's a miss, although I'm not sure if I'd call the opening line a "cheap shot". Anyway, this has turned into more of a novella than a novel. When I'm finished with this first draft, I'll send it out to whoever wants to read it. Its title is "A Case of the Tumblebones", sort of a mystery set in a fantasy world. I'm sure there's some misses as well as hits in this yarn. I hope to polish it a bit until the hits win out. Thanks!
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
If anyone wants to read what I have so far, flaws and all, just ask. It's currently up to chapter three. I'd like to know what you think.
Posted by DaveBowen (Member # 8786) on :
Send please...I find myself in a humorless and bleak state (Maryland) and could use the laughs.
Thanks, Dave Bowen
Posted by silverberry (Member # 8945) on :
Yup, please send the first three chapters. The toilet opening is just tres cool.
Leo
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
It's on its way. Sorry in advance for the abrupt ending.
