Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 13--Fantasy Heist Story

This is topic 13--Fantasy Heist Story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :

This is still very much a work in progress and very much about getting past some writing obstacles I have even more than it is about the actual story. That said I still want it to not suck, so butcher and review away. I would also like some feedback on who/what people think the character is, so I can tell if the very clear perception I have of the character is coming across or if it's getting muddled in the mix as it were. Like I said this is very rough so I'm not expecting that this is even close to correct yet, but writing is a process, right? Anyway enough rambling...

First Version
Noon. Midweek. One lonely drunk in a bar.
Acill watched in half-lidded anticipation as the barman poured three more fingers of the caramel colored liquor. He absentmindedly slid another silver coin across the rough wood of the counter as he accepted the tumbler. With closed eyes, he enjoyed the liquor’s wood and peat bouquet, savored its sweet bite and fumy burn. Acill’s drink never made it all the way back to the bar before he took another sip.
“Acill?” The voice was nasal, impatient, piercing, and Acill’s eyes squinted in pain. “You’re Acill, right?”
“Single malt,” his voice a muttered slur, both acknowledged and dismissed the would-be visitor. His eyes never left his glass.

Version 2
Noon. Midweek. Acill watched in half-lidded anticipation as the barman poured three more fingers of the caramel colored liquor. He absentmindedly slid another silver coin across the rough wood of the counter as he accepted the tumbler. With closed eyes, he enjoyed the liquor’s bouquet, buttermilk and oak, savored its sweet bite and fumy burn. Acill’s drink never made it all the way to the bar before he took another sip.
“Acill?” The voice was nasal, impatient, piercing, and Acill’s eyes squinted in pain. “You’re Acill, right?”
“Single malt,” his voice a muttered slur, both acknowledged and dismissed the would-be visitor. His eyes never left his glass.

Third Version
Acill watched in half-lidded anticipation as the barman poured three more fingers of the caramel colored liquor. He absentmindedly slid another silver coin across the rough wood of the counter as he accepted the tumbler. With closed eyes, he enjoyed the liquor’s bouquet, buttermilk and oak, savored its sweet bite and fumy burn. Acill never quite set his drink down on the bar before he took another sip.
“Acill?” The voice was nasal and shrill, dripping with nervousness and impatience. Acill squinted in pain. “You’re Acill, right?”
“Single malt,” his voice, a muttered slur, both acknowledged and dismissed the intruder. His eyes never left his glass.

Thanks!

[This message has been edited by nathanpence (edited August 25, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by nathanpence (edited August 27, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by nathanpence (edited August 31, 2009).]

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

I'm not sure you need the first line at all. I don't see that it adds anything. This is an alcoholic, clearly. He might be buying himself peace from demons of his own by a preferred route or he might just be chemically predisposed to death by drinking. It looks good. Did you consider using hyphens between wood and peat? Just a thought. I stumbled there. I saw 'liquor's wood' and then had to go back and add 'and peat' while still thinking, 'oh, is 'wood' something liquor can have? something about the process of distillation? Like wine in barrels?' Maybe more sophisticated people know the phrase? Probably not important at all. Also, notice that when the tumbler 'never made it back to the bar', it was never there to start with; the bartender handed it to him straight from his hand to Acill's. Otherwise I think it looks good, I would definitely keep reading.

Noon. Midweek. One lonely drunk in a bar. Acill watched in half-lidded anticipation as the barman poured three more fingers of the caramel colored liquor. He absentmindedly slid another silver coin across the rough wood of the counter as he accepted the tumbler. With closed eyes, he enjoyed the liquor’s wood and peat bouquet, savored its sweet bite and fumy burn. Acill’s drink never made it all the way back to the bar before he took another sip.
“Acill?” The voice was nasal, impatient, piercing, and Acill’s eyes squinted in pain. “You’re Acill, right?”
“Single malt,” his voice a muttered slur, both acknowledged and dismissed the would-be visitor. His eyes never left his glass.

Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :

Ok, so I added that first line after I trimmed some other stuff and I see your point. I kind of like the "Noon. Midweek." part of it, but not the rest. In my own re-read nnow it seems cheesy and heavy handed so consider it yanked. The bourbon is supposed to smell like wood and peat which are common in scents for certain whiskeys but if you stumbled then I need to rewrite it somehow, any suggestions? Good point about the tumbler, easy fix just to remove the word back.

Thanks for the help! Posting version 2 now.

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

Ok, that looks good. I like it. Um, buttermilk? You're just making stuff up now!

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

My overall impression is that I like this opening. Good use of description. The interruption is enough of a disturbance to keep me reading, even though it’s not a real strong hook. I anticipate tension in the next few lines.

I don’t like “Noon. Midweek.” It’s distracting to emphasize the time for no discernable purpose. Okay, so its lunchtime on a workday, and he’s apparently a drunk. So what?

I very much like the description of how he anticipates his drink, how much he relishes it. I’m not a drinker, but I wonder; would a person this far gone care how it smells and tastes? Or would he focus on getting that next after-affect from the alcohol? I remember my rebellious period when I would drink anything, no matter how awful, to get the buzz. But then I did know a recovering alcoholic who couldn’t allow herself to smell vanilla, because she used to drink vanilla to get the alcohol that’s in it—scent and taste are powerful stimuli. I think I’d keep it, because it’s so evocative.

I was confused by: “Acill’s drink never made it all the way to the bar before he took another sip.” At first I thought this meant he was somehow psychically drinking it before it was handed to him. Then I realized that the barman has already handed it to him—but isn’t he at the bar at that moment? Or do you mean Acill didn’t set it down ON the bar between sips? Ah, I finally got it, on the fourth reading.

The three adjectives in a row distracted me a tiny bit. Can a voice be nasal and piercing at the same time? How about: The impatient voice pierced... That also makes it more active on the visitor’s part, IMHO. Be aware that without Acill’s internal reaction, I read “Acill’s eyes squinted in pain” as observation not experience; it distanced me a tiny bit from his POV.

There’s something wrong in the grammar/punctuation of: “Single malt,” his voice a muttered slur, both acknowledged and dismissed the would-be visitor. Muttered a slur makes me think he said something additional, perhaps a swear word. Wouldn’t Acill know what he tried to say, even if the listener can’t tell? How about:
“Single malt.” Acill’s slurred response both acknowledged and dismissed the would-be visitor.

EDIT: Oh! Oh! You said "his voice a muttered slur", not "his voice muttered a slur". Still, the grammar says his voice acknowledged... but its Acill who acknowledged. I stand by my suggestion.

I like that he acknowledged and dismissed all at once, and that he stayed focused on the glass. Would intruder be better than would-be visitor?

I hope you will soon tell me whether or not I should be rooting for Acill, although the annoying voice of the other guy makes me think maybe yes.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 26, 2009).]

Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :

Actually the buttermilk comment was taken directly from a high-end bourbon review (Maker's Mark , I believe). I'm not a bourbon drinker myself, I prefer rum, but I did my research... And for the record the principles of wine-tasting hold true for all alcoholic beverages. Take it from this recovering non-alcoholic. Yes, that's right, I'm not an alcoholic but I'm trying. As a bit of a drinker I can say that even though I often drink well past the point of excess I will not drink cheap booze and I always savor my poison.

Thanks for the suggestions, and I will be working more on this tomorrow, too tired for now. Oh and yes we get to root for Acill, functioning alcoholic, emphasis on the functioning...

Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :

Ok, I have posted a version 3 above, take a look a tell me wwhat you think... I'm off to increase my word count...

Posted by thayeller (Member # 8745) on :

I like the third the best. I was drawn into the story so that's good.

One thing I noticed, and maybe it's just how I read it, but I wanted to pause after "his voice," where there wasn't one. Maybe read it out loud and see how it reads. Maybe its just me.

I like it.

[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited August 31, 2009).]

Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :

Wow, I could have sworn I put the comma in the third one... argh... Anyway, I did an edit and it's in there now. Thanks for the comment.