Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13, Agian, Lumeton

This is topic First 13, Agian, Lumeton in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by valjean03 (Member # 7890) on :

Three loud bangs on the glass window woke the drowsy Logifer in a confusing haze. He turned to his left, only to be greeted by the horrible smell of decomposing bodies, the small pitter patter of little mice and the humming of flies chewing away at the piles of flesh.
“Logifer!” A voice desperately hissed with impatient fury. “Logifer! Are you there?”
Logifer attempted to rise from his bed, to find his body rather weak. His bloody right hand still grasped The Deniker Sword, almost ready to kill its next victim. To his left a small open suitcase remained disheveled, now with small stains of red, and the odor of decomposing bodies. His chance to escape unknowingly passed him – and now the harsh reality began to sink in – he would finally need to answer for all his crimes.

[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited June 08, 2009).]

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

Hi, valjean03. Sorry to say that I’m getting more trouble than hook from these first 13.

What I get is that Logifer hacked at least one being to death with a sword, then lay sleeping on a bed in the same room long enough for the corpse(s) to putrify. Now he is being awakened by someone I expect to be identified in the next paragraph or two. He has a ‘championed’ sword and I expect to find out what that means in another page or so.

Why would he do such killing? Why would he stick around? These points are probably covered just after the first 13, but would they make a better hook?

Problems that make for bumpy reading are these:

“... smell of decomposing bodies” (plural) then “away at the corpse” (singular).

“...the smell of the decomposing bodies that lay in the cabin” in the last sentence is emphasized by being fully spelled out. The fourth mention of the smell seems redundant, at least to me.

“the small pitter patter of small mice” repeats ‘small’ where ‘light pitter patter’ would avoid the repetition.

“Logifer attempted to rise...”, then “...Logifer’s body was...” repeats the name where a pronoun would work better.

“...hand still grasped...”, then “...was still dripping...” repeats ‘still’ where the second instance is not needed.

“...small packed suitcase remained disheveled...” To me, ‘packed’ implies that the suitcase is closed, then the case itself would have to be in ragged condition to appear disheveled. If you are referring to the contents of the case, perhaps it could be ‘open’ instead of ‘packed’. Is the suitcase rather than its contents important? Would blood spatters and stink be better applied to the contents than the case?

Posted by valjean03 (Member # 7890) on :

Thanks for the input. I revised to a new version. Please let me know what you think of the new version?
And as you summized, the REAL hook is actually is in the next paragraph, but it doesn't make sense to put it in the first 13 sentences to me because it kinda feels like telling, I would rather SHOW first and THEN tell. I can't stand books that TELL first. Also, I am trying to set up the scene quick because action takes place pretty quick in sequence, because that's the way I like it. After these lines, there is NOTHING BUT dialogue , , so I am trying to hook fast, and get straight into the dialogue , but the dialogue does not make sense either without these descriptions either. sigh.... what a catch--22

[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited June 07, 2009).]

Posted by mythique890 (Member # 8586) on :

"woke the drowsy Logifer in a confusing haze"

Why is the smell only to his left? I imagine it would saturate the room if the bodies have been there that long.

You seem to have alot of words that aren't super necessary: confusing, small and little describing mice (we already know they're small), desperately, impatient, rather, right (refering to hand), unknowingly, etc.

Some of your usage throws me, as well. "Confused haze" would be better than "confusing haze", but plain old "haze" might be better. "...and it dripped" instead of "though it was dripping." "...championed sword" I have no ideas for, because I don't understand what you're trying to imply. Is it the sword he's always used, and he's a champion? Is it something inherent in the sword itself? Or is it just an adjective, like "ancient" or "powerful"? "...remained disheveled" implies that it was disheveled before, and that the reader knows it. "...lay open, disheveled" would feel more natural.

Anyway, it's fairly interesting. I'd read on a little longer to see what was going on.

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I liked the end about him answering for his crimes. I agree with Mythiuqe about the extraneous words. "In a confusing haze" seems tacked on and out of place and I kept wondering why the bodies were decomposing already since it seems like he killed them last night, of course this might be explained in the next paragraph. Overall it seems pretty interesting and has a good hook too.