(This is the first 13 lines of an adventure novel focusing around Satomi Amaran, a fragile and sensitive boy who has enough bad luck to dampen anyone's day. I would like any critiques, suggestions, and opinions on this novel. Much thanks appreciated in advanced)
A 16 year old boy sulked heavily as he made his way home through the busy city streets of Orlando Florida. Despairing brown eyes were hidden behind his cracked, black rimmed glasses, his black hair was unkempt and frazzled. Bruises and sores covered his young, slim frame that was veiled by his black, thin tee and blue jeans.
The boy sighed , the stings of his wounds bringing back horrible memories of his school. There were plenty of bullies and thugs, and so many students were often picked on by them. In some cases, he tried to help those who had very strong cases of bullying. Unfortunately, the moment he intervened, he always got trounced viciously. Though it was his nature to help those in need, it was also his nature to have severely bad luck and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 30, 2009).]
Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :
Lets see here. Show don't tell, perhaps instead of telling us about his high school bullies, do brief little flashbacks or pieces of dialogue that he remembers. I'd say that he likes a black a lot, though I'd say that there is too much of it in the first paragraph. Perhaps to break the monotony, he could have blue eyes.