Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Trigeminal Chronicles

This is topic The Trigeminal Chronicles - first 13 lines of Prologue in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Schmutz (Member # 8394) on :

This is a Fantasy novel. I have written about 47,000 words so far, and have outlined the entire novel.

Thanks in advance for your feedback.

Jena covered her ears in a vain attempt to block out the shrill whistles of the wind. She found refuge between two large boulders during her long and difficult climb up the mountain. The boulders offered protection from the blasts of the wind, but did nothing to stop the high-pitched whistle as the wind raced around the rocks and through the scraggly trees. She pulled a few strips of dried fruit from her pack, trying to regain her strength. She still had a hard climb up the final pass before reaching Hidden Meadow. After a short drink from her water bag, she placed her hand on her belly feeling the movement of her active child.

Jena was apprehensive about her upcoming labor. She still clearly remembered the day her mother died while delivering her

[This message has been edited by Schmutz (edited April 01, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 04, 2009).]

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

What era is this set in? I know you said it's a fantasy, but some of the things in the 13 lines, doesn't add up. For one, and in fact the major one that caught my attention, was the memories of the delivery, it's only been in the past 30-40 years that husbands were allowed anywhere near the delivery room.

Also... why is a pregnant woman climbing a mountain?

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

I'd also recommend changing the title, people are far less likely to read a book if they can't pronounce the title.

Posted by ade (Member # 8544) on :

One area of concern:

Jena's stated as being six. It's ambiguous whether you mean now and pregnant, or some time ago when her mother died.

Cheers

Ade

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

no, it's fairly clear that she was talking about when she was six

[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited April 02, 2009).]

Posted by Natej11 (Member # 8547) on :

Looking good so far. Thirteen lines seems like so little it's hard to get anything out of it. But we get that she's pregnant and climbing, where she's climbing to, that it's a difficult climb and the weather isn't being cooperative, and that she has fears about the upcoming labor.

I'd like a hint about why she's doing anything so strenuous in such an advanced condition, especially since from the tone it doesn't seem to be an emergency, fleeing to something or from something. I guess that's coming up in the next lines ^^.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Please read this topic:

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000004.html

Posted by Schmutz (Member # 8394) on :

Thanks for the very good feedback. I'll attempt to answer all of your questions.

First of all, the era is typical fantasy, i.e. medieval period. The reason the husband witnessed (and in fact helped) with the delivery of Jena's little brother was because they lived in a remote village and there were no medical facilities, etc. I actually wrote a section in about a mid-wife, but took it out a while ago. I could put it back in if it would help the story make more sense.

The reason Jena is climbing the mountain is explained in the first few pages of the book. In short, she was married, living in the same village where she grew up. A group of men come to the village and destroy everything, killing everyone in the village except her. The reason they don't kill her is because she is pregnant with the prophesied child. It actually turns out that she has triplets, all boys. Each son fulfills part of the prophecy.

After the destruction of her village she decides to go to a secluded place her father showed her when they hunted together in the mountains. She is trying to hide from the men who destroyed her village.

It makes a lot of sense when you read the entire prologue (at least I hope it does ).

I would love to have some of you read the prologue and give me your feedback. Please let me know if you would be interested. It's about 14 pages (double spaced). It includes the prophecy about the three boys.

Thanks again for the feedback. I sincerely appreciate it.
Steve.

[This message has been edited by Schmutz (edited April 05, 2009).]

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

Yes, unless they're living all alone on the fringes of civilization, there would be a "midwife" doesn't have to be someone who is just a midwife, in fact it often wasn't. In that era, there was no such thing as "Medical facilities" and any midwife would often just be either a female relative, or female neighbor if no family was available, though chances are, there would be plenty of family since again the atomic family (mother father, children) only came into being within the past century or so.

Posted by Schmutz (Member # 8394) on :

I agree with the need for a new title, and appreciate the feedback. I know you don't know a lot about the book yet, but how does "Sons of Prophecy" sound?