Hatrack River Writers Workshop: EarthBound

This is topic EarthBound - first 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by fugsspot (Member # 8539) on :

I think I'm following the rules here, posting the first 13 lines as they appear on my manuscript. This already a completed novel (80,000 words) and the short section here obviously doesn't suggest where the story takes you next. I would especially love feedback on the style of writing and, if anyone is willing, then perhaps a review of the first 3 chapters later on, since the simplistic explanation is that the story is an alien-contact work, but it is more complex and (in my experience) outside of the norm for this sort of work. Thanks to everyone who helps.

Earth Bound

He wasn't blind. Blind was dark. This was brilliantly light and painfully so, searing even through the eyelids he squeezed shut. He heard a whispering rustle and felt something slide up over his feet and legs, gliding over his body. As the sensation crested his shoulders, the painful brightness receded and he risked opening his eyes slightly. A drape was being pulled over him, blocking some of the light. An emergency room, maybe? But there were no doctors shouting out, no one speaking to him, assessing his level of consciousness. Unless he'd been deafened somehow; but he'd heard the whisper of the drape as it moved so he knew he could hear. In fact, it was eerily quiet. So…not a hospital. Hospitals were all noisy, with machines clicking and beeping even at the quietest times and Matt heard

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 24, 2009).]

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

I found "Matt" appearing towards the end to be distracting, because it's been a "He" so long I wasn't expecting to need to know his name. Try swapping it with one of the first couple of "He"s and see what you think?

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

You were a smidge over thirteen. I quoted the thirteen according the the guidelines. You can edit them out or KDW will be along at some point to do so.

quote:
He wasn't blind. Blind was dark[I'm thinking darkness might work better here.]. This was brilliantly light[This read awkwardly to me. Perhaps 'Brilliant light'?] and painfully so, searing even through the eyelids he squeezed shut.[[Actually this whole sentence seems off. How bout, 'Briliant light, painfully searing through his tightly squeezed eylids.']] He heard a whispering rustle and felt something slide up over his feet and legs, gliding over his body. As the sensation crested his shoulders, the painful brightness receded and he risked opening his eyes slightly. A drape was being pulled over him, blocking some of the light. [I found this a bit wordy.]An emergency room, maybe? But there were no doctors shouting out, no one speaking to him, assessing his level of consciousness.[I'd consider cutting this] Unless he'd been deafened somehow; but he'd heard the whisper of the drape as it moved so he knew he could hear. In fact, it was eerily quiet. So…not a

I liked the voice of the narration. In the MS I would underline the direct thoughts though so the are distinguisable form the standard text. It doesn't come through when you cut and paste here. If you hit the edit icon above my post you can see how I coded this sentence to show italics

Otherwise I found this a little wordy and some grammar points were distracting. I might suggest trimming a bit, but I thought this was pretty good overall.

Some might consider 'waking to a strange situation' a bit cliche, but this wasn't waking from a dream.

I'll go over a chapter if you want to swap. I have a bunch of crits but I have written a bunch lately and could use some fresh eyes. Send it along if you do. Chances are I won't get back around to this thread and may not notice any correspondance therein.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

I agree with the comments above.

I find that the action doesn't quite make sense to me. He doesn't speak... can he speak? he doesn't move... can he move? He can see, he can hear, he can feel. He can screw up his eyes.

Normally, if a person wakes in a brilliant light, what is the first thing they do? They cover their eyes with their hands. Is Matt constricted? If he is, then you might consider saying so. I would be more concerned about my ability to move or if I was restricted than I would be about the room being quiet.

I also had a visual problem with the drape mitigating the light as the drape crested his shoulders. Does he have eyes in his neck?

I think these issues (if they are issues)can easily be solved.

I'd be willing to read your chapters.

- Owasm

Posted by Denem (Member # 8434) on :

This is not bad. It has a good hook, but...
Like the above posts comment I would definitely name Matt earlier and I would focus a little less on the light and the quietness of the room and a little more on his other senses / emotions.
Is he afraid? Is he angry? Like Owasm asks, can he move?

Just my two cents, hope they help.

Posted by fugsspot (Member # 8539) on :

Thank you everyone for your critique - it is so helpful to have new eyes review my work. Now that I look, I also agree that I need Matt's name in earlier and I'll probably reword a few bits so that they are clearer.

With only 13 lines to start, you don't get to see that the very next lines move into what he's feeling, and that yes, he is physically restricted, etc. Thank you for the offers to read the first chapter since that will give a better sense of how it progresses. I certainly value your input and I'm happy to critique back.

I'm going to recheck the site for any standard rules of exchanging chapters (format, etc) and send it along for those who offered their help...after the edit, of course