***
I awoke to find morning daylight already beginning to seep in through my window. Glancing over at the bedside clock, I cringed. So much for yesterday's plan to get an early start. The time was nearing ten o'clock leaving me only an hour to prepare myself and check out of the inn I had decided to stay the night in.
Pushing the covers away, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I hadn't had an opportunity to view the room in full lighting yet. It had been late when I arrived and the comfort of laying down in a bed for a change brought slumber quickly. I did a quick survey of my surroundings. The walls were old, cracking, and painted a most hideous shade of green. The wood floor had been scuffed and slightly warped with years of use.
[This message has been edited by liquidland (edited March 21, 2009).]
Three points:
1) You've started with description. Action is preferable if you can make something happen on the first page, or perhaps prefigure a near-future action. I read your first 13 and don't see a hook: your MC has slept late, and is waking up in a hideously green room. So why should I turn the page?
2) You wrote: "the comfort of laying down in a bed for a change..." This is a common error that is harmless enough in ordinary speech, but on the first page of your manuscript, it might just be enough to get it consigned to the bottom of the slush pile--if not the round file.
It is correct to lay a table; to lay an egg; to lay out your clothes; but you lie down in bed.
3) You've chosen a first-person narrative POV. There's nothing wrong with that--some of the greatest books ever written are first-person; but you may find later on that it limits your ability to describe or report things outside of your MC's field of vision.
I'd be delighted to look over the whole, if you want to trust me with it after what I've written.
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy
[This message has been edited by Rob Roy (edited March 04, 2009).]
***
Rei jumped from the bed in a blur of sheets and was at the door before he could even rub the sleep out of his eyes. His dagger, which is always kept under his pillow while sleeping, was already in his hand, unsheathed, and poised to strike, if need be. The encrusted jewels in the hilt glimmered slightly from the morning daylight that was seeping through the window. A second knock rang on the door.
“Who is there?” Rei asked.
“Room service,” was the reply.
“Come back later.”
The dagger made a sizzling sound as it slid back into its sheath. After attaching the weapon to his waist, Rei glanced at the bedside clock. It was just before ten o’clock.
[This message has been edited by liquidland (edited March 21, 2009).]
It looks good otherwise, my only comment is that you used an "is" in the second sentance when it should be "was". The rest of the tenses look good though.
Also, I'm not sure what time period this is set in, but my first instinct when discussing fantasy is to think mideval-ish time periods. Not that clocks don't work (assuming its analog or some other kind) but it made me wonder, "could an inn afford a clock for every room back then?"
Course, its hard to tell with just thirteen lines. He could be at a very nice inn, have a special room at the inn, or maybe there's an abundance of clocks. Actually I'm just nit-picking at this point, it really isn't a big deal at all haha. I doubt anyone is going to think "hey, there can't be a clock there!"
Looks good
In the second I was wondering what made Rei jump to the door, but the "second knock" helped explain, although I was left wondering what happened to the first.,
Perhaps: An unexpected knock caused Rei to jump from...
Also sizzling makes me think of bacon frying, rather than a dagger scraping into its sheath.
Great improvement 
.
TL
[This message has been edited by TLBailey (edited March 08, 2009).]
A couple of points:
"The encrusted jewels in the hilt..."
Umm, what's an "encrusted jewel?" How about "The jewels encrusting the hilt..."
"'Who is there?' Rei asked."
Sounds stilted. A good rule of thumb is to make narrative formal and dialogue informal, depending on the character and the occasion. (Zaphod Beeblebrox can say "Hand me the raprod, plate captain," but the Queen wouldn't.) Go with "Who's there?" And if you want to show that he's tightly wound, then something like "demanded" or "challenged" or "barked" might be better than "asked." Then you can show him visibly relaxing when he finds out it's just Room Service.
"The dagger made a sizzling sound as it slid back into its sheath."
I agree with others (it's a bit of a bummer not being able to see the thread when replying) in that "sizzling" is the wrong word here. Is the sheath metallic? If it is, it will make a scraping sound; but if it's leather (which is more common, I suspect) then it will make very little sound. You might try something like "He sheathed his dagger," or "He slid his dagger back into its sheath." I'm visualising him then hanging the sheath on his belt, but would he be fully dressed as he leaps out of bed? Even being a wanderer, and probably not packing pyjamas, does he sleep with his belt on?
But this is all "tweaking." As I said at the start, version 2 is a huge improvement. Keep it coming!
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy
***
Rei jumped from the bed in a blur of sheets and was at the door before he could even rub the sleep out of his eyes. His dagger, which was always kept under his pillow while sleeping, was already in his hand, unsheathed, and poised to strike, if need be. The rubies encrusting the hilt radiated a fiery red from the light of the morning sun. A second knock rang on the door.
“Who’s there?” Rei demanded.
“Room service,” was the reply.
“Come back later.”
The dagger made a sizzling sound as it slid back into its sheath and the energy infused inside dissipated. After attaching the weapon to his waist, Rei glanced at the bedside clock. It was just before ten o’clock.
, perhaps...
The dagger made a crackling sound as it slid back into its sheath, dissipating its infused energy. After strapping the weapon to his waist,...
Just a thought
TL
[This message has been edited by TLBailey (edited March 08, 2009).]
"His dagger, which was always kept under his pillow while sleeping, was already in his hand, unsheathed"
and replace it with something like, He pulled his dagger from underneath the pillow.
There are also Rei's placement issues. If he is standing by the door with his unsheathed dagger, he must retrieve the sheath from underneath the pillow in order to put it back in his sheath. Does he sleep fully clothed? Why would else would he put the knife on his waist?
I think the action is good. Go over the sequence in your mind where Rei is, what he's got in his hands and when, and if he is clothed while sleeping. That will help you craft the sequence so it doesn't put so much burden on the reader to figure out what's where when.
"even rub the sleep out of his eyes" seems odd. That's something I associate with a lazy yawn and a "nyup, nyup" stretch; not with a lightning run to the door.
I agree with a previous commenter that tightening the line about the dagger moves from "telling" us where the dagger is to showing us how it's used.
The "second" knock is perplexing; that's a tough one to solve, though, because your intention is clear enough after rereading it.
Something like, "The knock that woke him sounded again" might work; I'm not sure. But I don't think it would be wrong to open the first paragraph with the sound of a knock, and Rei jumping up as the second sentence. That would hook me insofar as I would wonder why is this guy so paranoid when someone knocks on his door? I think that's your intention anyway, but we don't find out why he's up until the end of the paragraph.
The other thing troubling me is even though I'm curious why this guy is so paranoid, and I'm also curious who's at the door, my curiosity on the second point vanishes with the line, "Room service."
If the reply had been, "Your mortal enemy!" it would have been cheesy, but interesting. Now maybe it isn't room service, and the line is a ruse. Something to the effect that "Rei didn't believe it for a moment" would keep the tension in spite of the benign reply.
As it is, though, since the knocker goes away, it seems like it really WAS room service, leaving me disappointed. I also lose respect for your hero -- either he doesn't know whether he ordered room service or not, or he doesn't know his basic accommodations, and either way he's wound way too tightly.
Supposing the knocker does go away when he says, but he doesn't believe them, I could accept that he scared them off, or that they were disappointed their ruse failed.
As it is, it seems like the room service appearance is just a contrivance to get this guy to jump up and wave his fancy dagger around. That follows the advice to begin with action instead of description, except that it reads like action as an EXCUSE for description instead of a meaningful event.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by Jason R. Peters (edited March 11, 2009).]
Also, thank you to all of those who have given feedback on my previous drafts. Your help is instrumental in my writing and is much appreciated.
***
Fireballs emblazoned the sky and rained down on the Drekian battalion. The combined forces of the Ida Alliance had made much progress with their surge into the town of Mount Dreki. The terrain was littered with the corpses of fallen soldiers.
A Dreki horn reverberated through the mountainside and the Ida commanders, even while trying to retain their calm demeanor, visibly tensioned.
“Keep your wits about you, men! They’re coming!” one of them barked.
Clouds suddenly obscured the sun and a dark shadow was cast upon the land. From the far reaches of the mountain, a dull roar approached the battlefield and became increasingly deafening as it neared.
[This message has been edited by liquidland (edited March 21, 2009).]
the idea of starting with some action is good, and I like the tension you've created. I'm a bit worried about making it a dream. As soon as readers find out it's a dream, the tension dissolves; this is called a "false beginning." There's a document I found on the web that lists the pet hates of literary agents. I don't remember where I found it, or I'd give you a link, but here are a couple of little snippets:
quote:
“I hate it when a book begins with an adventure that turns out to be a dream at the end of the chapter.”
—Mollie Glick, Jean V. Naggar Literary Agency“I don’t want to read about anyone sleeping, dreaming, waking up or staring at anything.”
—Ellen Pepus, Ellen Pepus Literary Agency
quote:
“I’m turned off when a writer feels the need to fill in all the backstory before starting the story; a story that opens on the protagonist’s mental reflection of their situation is a red flag.”
—Stephany Evans, FinePrint Literary Management
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy
[This message has been edited by Rob Roy (edited March 22, 2009).]
quote:
As soon as readers find out it's a dream, the tension dissolves; this is called a "false beginning." There's a document I found on the web that lists the pet hates of literary agents. I don't remember where I found it, or I'd give you a link...
Is this the site? Writer's Digest - What Agents Hate
[This message has been edited by WBSchmidt (edited March 22, 2009).]
yes, that's the one, although the one I found had it as a Word document. Thanks for posting the link. I don't want to get the forum in trouble by pasting in too much of their material.
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy
There are all sorts of ways. It depends how far removed the battle is from the beginning of the "present" action. It also depends upon how influential the events of the battle are on what happens in your story. If the battle was "years ago" then maybe you could have Rei tell it to a protege. Or if it was "the day before yesterday" then maybe you could have him leave the field as the victorious or defeated army disperses, and trudge over the hill to the village where he is staying in your original beginning. Alternatively, maybe you don't start with the battle at all; maybe you drip-feed information about it throughout the story.
In The Lord of the Rings the battle before Barad-Dur where Isildur took the Ring from the hand of Sauron is a critical event, one that influences every key decision in the actual book; but it is long in the past, and we don't even hear about it until the Council of Elrond. Your readers don't have to learn about events in the strict order in which they happen; they can learn about some of them afterwards, just as we do in real life.
It seems to me that beginnings are probably the hardest. I always know at the outset where I want my story to end up, and I have a good idea of a lot of what I want to happen in the middle; but beginnings are things I work and re-work, over and over again.
What's the actual trigger event that starts the action moving towards its climax? Is it the mysterious letter Rei gets from the innkeeper the morning he wakes up in the ugly green room? If so, I'd be inclined to look back at that. Or maybe it's something that happens when he gets to his destination; you could start there and provide the backstory as you go. The possibilities are endless, and ultimately this is your story.
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy