South, continuously south he had pursued them. Several times he had come close to overtaking them. But a suitable place had never presented itself and he could ill afford to fail. Now it might be too late. From a crevice above, he lay on his belly and surveyed the town below as sweat dripped from his nose into the dust. His telescope gave him a fair view of where they were, and what it would take now to get to them. Hunkered down below him was a small border town formed from squat mud dwellings lining dusty streets. It was a D’jinn trading town and like most of its kind, it was built around the marketplace at the town center. Stalls and carts filled the area, but the raised pens with shackles, and the auctioneer’s station, alluded to the market’s most important commodity.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 24, 2009).]
Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :
Um...I didn't count, but I'm postitive that this is waaaay more than the allowable 13. Kathleen will get you for this....
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
Your start is OK. You've provided a sense of urgency at the start, but it bogs down when you start describing the town.
I would describe where the targets are. If they will be participating in the slave auction, it would add to the tension that you have to get to them before that happens. That would provide the pop you need.
The term "alluded to" is too weak or too coy for me. As I said it loses momentum.
I would replace spyglass for telescope. It fits the setting better.