Zephyr was sweaty, exhausted, and covered in dirt. Not the ingredients for a good first impression. Although from the looks of this place, first impressions weren’t a priority. The stark, glowering castle looked as hospitable as the bottom of a well. Despair began to leak through the cracks in her wounded heart. This was her new life.
This time last year her biggest worry had been her lackluster seamstress: the unimaginative Mistress Periwinkle. Zephyr had been convinced the woman would be the death of her. Unfortunately, death had had its eye on someone else.
The fever had taken her father suddenly, like a storm that starts beating down while the sun is still shining.
There was a hint of a lure besides the imagery and circumstance befallen a young woman/girl. The sickness of her father or the recent death of her father serves as a strong motivating force in the MC, for what I am unsure(which is OK at this point)
This device seemed somewhat planted; only in the fact that it was backtracking. Exposition can be a little unsettling and difficult to decipher in an intro.
Overall, I think this was good, so I would get a second or third opinion about the expo before taking my advice about the backstory.
quote:....when you move off into the setting and her recollections (the lines following) you lose the tension you created by posing the question: Who is Zephyr going to meet?...having said that....what if the one she is going to meet is coldly regarding her in chains in the dungeon (an usurper?) and you describe the background? now you have escalated the tension instead of allowed it to fizzle...just my 2 cents
Zephyr was sweaty, exhausted, and covered in dirt. Not the ingredients for a good first impression.
I see everyone's point about not jumping into backstory so quickly. I'll have to think about the best way to fix the problem.