Her dad was only 76. Young enough to prune the apricot tree, to ride a boogie board at Huntington Beach, to play hide and seek with the grandkids. Too young to be lying in the emergency room with a stroke. Sometimes Kathy felt older than
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 29, 2009).]
quote:
Kathy floored the gas as her little 1999 Escort{{'floored the gas' doesn't read right to me--perhaps, 'smashed the gas...or floored the pedal'. Also I would call it her " '99 Escort" }}climbed the hill that took the traffic of Anderson Street{{I would simlplify this, "Anderson St. Traffic".}} over the railroad tracks towards Loma Linda {{Name bugged me a bit}}Medical Center, but the mice didn’t pedal any faster. Was he dead{{Who, the mouse?}}, or was he alive? She didn’t even think of Spain.{{So why mention it. It is confusing. Too much going on.}} What did their trip matter now? The Escort had slowed to the speed limit by the time she reached the top. Loma Linda’s foothills were looking particularly dirty today. The hot dry summer had burned them brown; the hot opaque air had antiqued them with gray. It was a bad omen.
Her dad was only 76.{{???Is he the one dying in the car...or the mouse...or both? I would focus on clarifying the who's in the car rather than the appearance of antiquity in the hillside.}}Young enough to prune the apricot tree, to ride a boogie board at Huntington Beach, to play hide and seek with the grandkids. Too young to be lying in the emergency room with a stroke.{{Ok, so he is not in the car, she is rushing to see him. So the mice are metaphor or they are actually in the car...a fantasy turbo booster?}} Sometimes Kathy felt older than
Overall, I felt there was way to much going on in this intro to be clear. The jumbledness made me lose sight of the elements. I would polish this down to explain who is in the car(model not terribly important, but OK) Who or what else is in the car(If important) and the purpose of her urgency(and how she may feel about it without showing us every though that runs through her head.)
I am sensing that this is a fantasy story...omen...the potential of actual mice propelling the vehicle? but they weren't that clear either. I would prefer a hint of one, but don't always expect it in the first thirteen. I would just make it clearer if in fact she is a witch or has powers or something. That can be done without violating POV since it so closly follows her.
Otherwise I like the prose, and you have a sense for the story. I just think this was a little crammed.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited February 09, 2009).]
ps you can make this an active thought by putting quotes >>[i....without dot and words only use the i]and this [/i again only slash i]...for example Was he dead, or was he alive? these active thoughts make the story hookier
[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 09, 2009).]
This may be a POV issue. Whose thoughts are we hearing? Are we inside your character's head, or are we listening to your narrator? You can't have your character think about what she is not thinking about - it's physically impossible Your narrator can point that out, but of course, your reader has to know the difference.
Of course, if I'm the only one who is bothered by those two sentences, close your ears and carry on!
quote:
She didn’t even think of Spain. What did their trip matter now?
I think this sentence is missing the infinitive form of one verb. Try it like this and it works better:
quote:
She didn’t even want to think of Spain. What did their trip matter now?
By the way, Sharon - or should I say "Mom?" (It feels a little weird critiquing "Mom" ... plus there was that one time in second grade when I accidentally called my teacher "Mom" and never managed to live it down. haha) I just wanted to add that I enjoyed your first 13, and I applaud the courage it takes to a) write, and b) put your creation out there for people to critique. Write on!