Maddy stood alone in the corner of a military hanger, surrounded by gray walls, a pitted, dirty floor, and the cold smell of metal in the air. She tilted her head up and looked at the combat ship that soared above her, black and silent. The lines of the ship swooped, twisting back on themselves -- infinity, but also, sharp gleaming death. She imagined she was in the ship, looking down on herself. A small figure, pale, shoulders thrust back to bear the weight of the bag she carried. Two nearby ground crew members whispered something to each other and looked over at her, and Maddy was back in herself and straightening her access badge. Then she dropped her hand. She didn’t care who they thought she was or what they thought she was doing in their hanger. The ship, after all, was for her.

[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited December 17, 2008).]
 

Nits: suggest cutting “dirty” since you have enough other description. It detracts from the high-tech aura (but the rest fits).

Does the ship really soar inside the hangar? On the first read, I thought it was flying, because your description is so evocative. If its suspended from the ceiling, say so. Otherwise I feel tricked. I don’t know what you mean by “infinity”, unless maybe the figure 8 infinity symbol is part of the design?

Imagining she is in the ship looking at herself sounds like an author’s trick to describe the MC’s appearance. Then when she is “back in herself” again doesn’t quite work for me… its overdone.
I do like the description of her, as a contrast against her ship; the shoulders part you can write from her POV, but her stature and paleness—sorry, I don’t have any suggestions.

I thought the rest was great!

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited December 17, 2008).]
 

Nice hook, I would definetly read on.
 

I think you're almost there. I'd echo the comments of the other two posters. The description is nice but it borders on overkill. I'd clip one adjective from the first sentence and maybe look carefully at the others. It's almost to the point where I'm focused ont the desription of her environs so much that I neglect to notice the 'out of body experience' or whatever she's having. I'd take out the mention of grey walls, but that's the one I think is least interesting.
 

Maddy stood alone but she's not alone--later we find out there are others in the hanger with her in the corner of a military not sure if we need "military". It becomes pretty clear later on, when you say "combat ship", and for me it jumped out of character. Would Maddy note that it was a military hangar? hanger hangar, surrounded by gray walls, a pitted, dirty floor, and the cold smell of metal in the air. She tilted her head up and looked at the combat ship that soared above her yes, I thought at first it was flying too., black and silent. The lines of the ship swooped, twisting back on themselves -- infinity, but also, sharp gleaming death. She imagined she was in the ship, looking down on herself. A small figure, pale, shoulders thrust back to bear the weight of the bag she carried yeah, too gimmicky. we don't need to know what she looks like. Besides, this description, as far as descriptions go, is pretty weak.. Two nearby ground crew members whispered something to each other and looked over at her, and Maddy was back in herself and straightening her access badge. Then she dropped her hand. She didn’t care who they thought she was or what they thought she was doing in their hanger hangar. The ship, after all, was for her.

The strength of this opening is in the immediate tension and sense of isolation--Maddy and the ship vs. the crew members. She's presented as someone different and unusual in some way, and that's a pretty good hook for me. Also, the fact that she's somehow attached to this ship is a good hook.