///One would usually tell people what they’ve created. Yet in this circumstance it is a matter of question. If the world did know, they would be worried indeed. But others, others would take it as an opportunity.
Yet, if this were to be hidden, to be known by bar a chosen few, would this discovery in the right hands be extraordinarily useful?
Matt stared at the computer screen, at his accidental invention. A system that had silent access to every single other operating device in the world.
Intriguingly dangerous.///

20th April 2012, Darwin, Australia:

Saturday. The weekend could not have begun so remarkably...

[This message has been edited by rippamate (edited December 04, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 04, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by rippamate (edited December 05, 2008).]
 

I've made a few small revisions...

///One usually toll people what they’ve created. Yet in this circumstance that was a matter of question. If the world knew, they would be worried indeed. But others- others would take it as an opportunity.
Yet, if this were to be hidden, to be known by only the chosen few; wouldn't this discovery in the right hands be extraordinarily useful?
Matt stared at the computer screen, at his accidental invention. A system that had silent access to every single operating device (network? computer? what exactly is an "operating device) in the world.
Intriguingly dangerous.///

20th April 2012, Darwin, Australia:

Saturday. The weekend could not have begun so remarkably; fresh coffee, toast, the morning paper. More then that though, it was the “not having to care” part that topped it all off.
Normally Roberts was...

 

If you're using the correct font (12-point courier), you are way over 13 lines.
 

Here are a few more edits to improve clarity and flow of thought:

///Matt stared at the computer screen, at his accidental invention. A system that had silent access to every single operating device in the world.
One would usually tell people what they’ve created. But in this circumstance that was a matter of question. If the world knew, they would be worried indeed. But others- others would take it as an opportunity.
Yet, if this were to be hidden, to be known by only the chosen few; wouldn't this discovery be extraordinarily useful in the right hands?
Intriguingly dangerous.///

It's definitely not perfect. But I think that the reader is dumped right into Matt's thoughts this way, without having to wonder about what he's thinking through the first two paragraphs.

Intriguing idea. It sounds like your story could be a lot of fun to read.

[This message has been edited by Betsy Hammer (edited December 05, 2008).]
 

Anyone can rewrite something to their taste. I think the better approach is to suggest why something isn't working.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited December 05, 2008).]
 

I didn't rewrite anything. I just changed the order of the sentences. I thought that I had explained why I did it, but obviously I need a little more work on my own clarity!

In the original 13, it was unclear what Matt had created and why it was important, until the second to last sentence. I cut and pasted that information to the beginning so that there was never one question in the reader's mind as to what the character was thinking about or referring to. I did this to illustrate my point, not to actually make any re-writes.

Oh, whoops...I also moved the phrase "in the right hands" so that the sentence would make sense. I had to read the original twice just to comprehend its meaning. I assume that JoeMaz's edits were for the same purpose. He mostly just removed a few words so that the sentences were not as complex and unclear.

Does that make sense now? Thanks for the reminder to explain fully. We can't be helpful otherwise.

[This message has been edited by Betsy Hammer (edited December 05, 2008).]
 

Which leads me to think that my sentence clarity is a bit clammy, not my story structure.

[This message has been edited by rippamate (edited December 05, 2008).]
 

You don't want them to ask the Faith, Hope, and Clarity questions (from OSC): "oh, yeah?" and "so what?" and "huh?"

You want them to ask "what happens next?" and "how does he get out of that?" and "why did that happen?"

Feedback that tells you your readers are asking the Faith, Hope, and Clarity questions means you need to figure out how to rewrite so they don't ask those questions.
 

The first part is strange to my eyes, maybe philosophical but risking a slide into pretentiousness; I'd tolerate it for a while, to see if it adds value to the story.

I did have some trouble with the English in the first few sentences.

"One would usually tell people what they’ve created" -- it seems to me that "they've" refers to "people" but I think you mean "one", and if so, it should perhaps read, "One would usually tell people what one has created".

"Yet in this circumstance" --what circumstance, I wondered. I would rather have been told about the magic computer hack first, then his thoughts on whether to share it, because then I'd have known what he was thinking about and it would have made more sense. As it stands, I had to read it twice to get it, and thought that if I have to read everything twice in this story, pace will suffer and it will take a long time to read.

"to be known by bar a chosen few" --makes no sense to me. If the chosen few are barred, who's left to know it? Do you mean "to be known by but a chosen few"?

In the sentence beginning with "Yet", how about eliminating one of the "this"s?

I wonder about the title because, not being an Aussie, I associate "Darwin" more with the man than the place. I was expecting a story of evolution and a ship named Beagle.

Hope this helps,
Pat