Hatrack River Writers Workshop: My 13 lines: YA fantasy

This is topic My 13 lines: YA fantasy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by seikari (Member # 8327) on :

This is from the novel I'm currently working on, which is the first in a series of 4-5. I'm not sure how this appears to anyone but myself, so now I'm hoping you guys will take a good whack at it. It's okay, you can use the most lashing weapon at your disposal, I'll survive.

This chapter doesn't have a title because I'm in the process of revising the whole chapter. And I'm also messing with the book title, so that's not available either.

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The girl arched her head to get a better view of what was happening on the other side of the wall. She could just barely see through the peephole what appeared to be a small gathering of well-dressed people. Their attentions were loosely focused on two men standing before the group, and even then it was only a scant type of attention, there one moment and gone the next. Faye sniffed disdainfully at them. She knew that they were all nobles from powerful families and those types altogether thought themselves too important to have to act courteous, even before the king himself and his chief hostler.
Faye stifled a small yawn. She had been hiding silently since dawn, and it was already well into noontime. If there was one thing Faye could not stand, it was waiting...

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Posted by Hoosier (Member # 8330) on :

I had to re-read to make sure "The girl" you open with and Faye are the same person. Is there a reason you did not just begin with her name? Also the line 'what appeared to be' seems to be in conflict with your later description of who the people are, if her understanding changed of who they are it should be supported in the story. I know thirteen lines are short but I would like to have been told more of what her surroundings were on her side of the wall? I would continue reading to see why she had waited so long when she did not like to wait. Good hook for me !!! Continue on....

[This message has been edited by Hoosier (edited November 25, 2008).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

I'd like to see you name your MC in the first line, rather than use a pronoun.

two men standing Why not identify these fellows as well, they are the King and Hostler, right?

She knew that they were all nobles from powerful families We still don't know who she is, and now we have a group of generic nobles.

I am supposing that she knows who each and every one of these individuals are as well as their direct interest in the king and chief hostler. So why not hook us with this information right now, in your first paragraph?

As it reads now, it seems to vaguer than it really needs to be...Looking forward to your update though.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

“arched her head” made me think her head is malleable; I usually think of this as arching one’s neck or back.

The structure of the 2nd sentence seems off. How about: “She could barely see a small gathering of well-dressed people through the peephole.”

“and even then it was only a scant type of attention, there one moment and gone the next” is already covered by “their attention was loosely focused”. Don’t need to say it twice.

Don’t need: “just”, “what appeared to be”, “She knew that”, “have to”, “himself”, “small”, “silently”, “already” – my personal preference is leaner prose.

Suggest replacing “and those types altogether” with “who”.

Standing and waiting is static; can you give an indication of why Faye cares, so I can care too? I am wondering why she is hiding.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

the arched her head threw me a little also...can she raise herself up to peep?... I like to i.d. my mc asap also not sure where your headed with this....if it was an execution right off the bat it might catch my interest but otherwise....

yeah i know blood thirsty