The code written on Jay’s uniform was faded, the strings were frayed and the ‘J’ in the designation 1127-J had all but disappeared; but even in the lack of that one seemingly insignificant consonant there was freedom. Though the boy awoke every day to sweep the same corridors, to dust the same tapestries, to shine the same edifices, that single absent alphanumeric swoosh gave him imagination. He could come up with a hundred different stories to fill the space vacated by that 'J.' This was not because he enjoyed a good lie, but because he was enraptured by the unique, the spectacular, the imaginative, the incredible and the unbelievable.
[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited October 07, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited October 07, 2008).]
Posted by kevindouglas (Member # 8236) on :
I would keep reading because I am curious. It just needs to be tightened up. Good work on character development and imagery, there's just some redundancy and superfluous descriptions.
Posted by tempest (Member # 8242) on :
its an interesting beginning. im not sure im 'hooked' (if that is important to you). i am curious about the title-- how it will unfold.
the sentences seem long to me, perhaps could be tightened a bit.
im also having trouble with the word 'enraptured'. maybe its just me, but it gives me kind of a strange image --i cant think of better word off the top of my head though. JMHO
it does introduce the character well, i think. good start.
Posted by Snow Crash (Member # 8114) on :
I like this. It is very well written. The sentences flow together nicely, and after reading many posts on here it's nice to read something that isn't trying to be dramatic at the start. In so many cases, a dramatic or complicated situational start can be off putting. This is nice, you start with the character, and in only a few sentences you've already built up a picture of this characters life. What's interesting to me is that you start with a character that has a rather bland life, than something miniscule, almost insignificant happens, and it's the best thing that's happened to him for years. Even though it's just a J, it's enough to spark his imagination onto wonderous possibilities. This simplicity of showing a vivid imagination is a great way of establishing a connection between an older reader and a young character. So I like it, not much need for improvement. Good work and keep it up!
Posted by Erice W (Member # 8268) on :
I'm definitely hooked with the sory and I love the imagery that you presented. I don't really have any gripes with it, though. I liked the way you used your words and you could probably teach me a thing or two actually.
