Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Virgo Divide First 13, rewrite

This is topic Virgo Divide First 13, rewrite in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by kevindouglas (Member # 8236) on :

Everyone's comments on point-of-view got me thinking about trying to explain what I have in mind. I realized that what I have in mind may be confusing because it is so atypical. A few of you said that En'Tlos sounded like an interesting entity to see the world from in chapter one, but the problem is that I have decided the reader should never see from her eyes. I hope this rewrite has the same hooking aspect, if not a stronger one, and fulfills the POV restriction (even though I am in opposition to traditional writing style).

In your reply please indicate, firstly, whether you would keep reading and secondly, if the opening is too cliche. Thanks for reading.

I could not always see between time... it is a difficult thing to explain to a temporal being. I existed in a body and concurrently, I existed as I am now, free of flesh. To help you understand, I will step into the minds of others, but it is important that you see both the way things appeared and what they truly were.
I heard a sudden cry throughout the aether, searching for minds it might ensnare with lies and promises of paradise. It was the call of En'Tlos: the Founder, the Warbringer, the Siren. Among those who could hear, a few heeded her call, but one being spurned her so furiously that she was determined to possess him. Virgil was one of your kind.

[This message has been edited by kevindouglas (edited October 05, 2008).]

Posted by Angfla (Member # 2904) on :

KD, I hope it's okay if I shorten your name like that. I think your first opener was better. I get what you're trying to do with En'Tlos, but here's my question. In the critiques that you've received thus far, En'Tlos is the character that makes your opener interesting, so why do you want to remove the most interesting POV (at this point, anyway) from the story? Just something to consider. The second opener had me confused. I didn't know who was speaking and didn't feel any kind of interest in or connection to the speaker. As far as not seeing things from En'Tlos POV the sentence where you talk about her being spurned and being determined to possess the being that spurned her takes us into her POV because those are emotions and thoughts that belong specifically to her. It sounds to me as though your story is going to be about Virgil, so what about opening from his POV. Him feeling the touch of En'Tlos and recoiling from it or resisting it? I think your writing is strong and you have a good idea here, but personally, I liked the first opener with En'Tlos POV better. It gave me a being to latch on to and get interested in. Just my opinion.

[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited October 06, 2008).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Generally, when you post a new opening you do it in the original thread so those of us who leave comments are commenting on the right one.

There are two rules that are pretty much set in stone:

1) You can break any rule if you are willing to pay the price.
2) New writers pay higher prices than established writers.

To answer your questions:

1)I'm not hooked which means I wouldn't keep reading.
2)Cliched? I'm not sure.

I'm not really interested in "watching" a novel. While we talk about Full Omni POV, there is a reason it's out of style right now. This is all telling with a promise that the rest will be more telling since the POV isn't active anywhere. So with this narrator, I wouldn't read on even if the last line caught my interest but probably not for the reason you'd think and it wouldn't have without my knowledge of the first version.

Why was I a bit interested this time? Given the name of the male ("Virgil") and the powers of the female ("to entrap strong minds with the promise of paradise), I'm thinking the story might be a future based retelling of Kalypso/Odysseus.

Think about why you want this POV. Understand why the "no full Omni for new writers" rule exists. How does this narrator help you tell the story? And just wanting to set it like a movie isn't a good enough reason. What price will you pay for using this voice? Is it worth it? Is there a better storyteller. IMHO, either Virgil, En'Tlos or both would probably be better POVs.

I think if you look at it objectively, the price you are going to pay for trying to write it this remotely will be too high.

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 06, 2008).]

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

I wouldn't read on unless I could care...
It isn't really too cliched for me....

I have a lot of the same sense that KF did here thou not so eloquently stated. First if all I am confused....I have this uncorporated being that can see into time that had a body at one time. Then I jump to these other characters...were they past characters or this one? Are the other minds past lives or other peoples? I didn't read your explanations intentionally to give you my first impression (my mind picture) It appears a bit over the top unless one is either a more sophisticated reader than my self (easily done) but frankly what would hook me would be a stronger desire to care for your MC....he/she/it seems a snob and distances me from the caring part of being a reader...

[This message has been edited by honu (edited October 28, 2008).]