Hatrack River Writers Workshop: first 13 of a first novel

This is topic first 13 of a first novel in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Starbrusttiger (Member # 8187) on :

I am looking for a group of six people who would be willing to read a 90k fantasy novel and give feedback. The second draft will not be done until Christmas, but I know that expecting strangers to read 90k and give lengthy feedback is a lot to ask of anyone, so I am beginning my search now.

For everyone else, here is the first 13.

***

Matthew Helfman stroked the head of his baby girl, Guenzel. She had her father's stark black hair and her dead mother's striking blue eyes. She was asleep in her crib, a smile on her small lips, unaware of the terrible events that had happened in the past week. The funeral lasted throughout the afternoon, followed by a reception at the home Matthew and Nora once shared. When everyone gave their condolences and left, his sister and cousin stayed for dinner at Matthew's request. They insisted on cleaning everything up and then left him to get some rest. If they knew how terrified Matthew was about having to take care of Guenzel alone, they would stay.
The door creaked softly from behind him and a thin ray of light poured into the room. A night light from the dresser was on,
***

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 18, 2008).]

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

From the start you evoke deep emotion from the subtle clues you give. I read with interest. And the child's name in fantastic, bringing to mind all kinds of magic - if that is your intention. Well done. However, at the end of the first paragraph, "they would stay" threw me off. Something funky with tense here. I had to read twice to make sure his sis and cousin had indeed left and he was alone with his daughter. Should the phrase read "they would've stayed"?

The second paragraph seemed a bit jumbled. In the first sentence, the meaning is very clear - I saw the door slowly opening, so I'd assumed it had been shut. Therefore, the third sentence - "Matthew knew ... yet it lay open" seemed to belabor the issue, even served to confuse me b/c it took a step back in the action. Cut or reorganize? The sentence about the night-light is pretty, but interrupts the tension provided by the door opening. Perhaps move it to the first paragraph? To show us in what atmosphere Matthew is gazing upon his daughter? The night-light gilds Guenzel's face, or something.

90k *is* a big commitment, but I'll be glad to take on the project. Is there a club or something I should know about - why six readers specifically? Should I expect the novel by New Year's? That may be a fatal question. What writer is able to keep a deadline, right?

Good luck!

Posted by Starbrusttiger (Member # 8187) on :

There is no particular reason why I want six readers, I just thought that would be a good number to get some honest feedback. If one person zeroes in on one thing they don't like, I might politely disagree, but if two or even three people tell me that the element or scene is a problem, then I would be forced to put my own opinions aside and tackle that issue. I just thought six was a good number, not too big, not too small.

Posted by Kin Castelmare (Member # 8215) on :

This is great, Starbrusttiger. Well-written and I liked the way the scene was set up. After these first lines, I want to know what happened to Nora -- and I'd keep reading to find details on this along with what's happening behind the door. The only other thing that occurs to me is to wonder how Matthew feels: is he envious that his daughter doesn't know her mother's dead and does the burden weigh on him? Is he glad that she doesn't know and does he plan to tell her when she's older? Or not? This will let me know what kind of person he is. This all may follow, of course, but having all this come out of 13 lines means you've captured my interest well and truly.

I'd be happy to be among your six, if you'd like. I think our projects are at similar stages as well: I've begun reworking my fantasy novel and the second draft is underway. Would you care to trade chapters? My first draft came in just north of 112k, though, so if we trade I'd be getting the better deal!

In any case, good opening!

Posted by jkhodgepodge (Member # 8191) on :

It is a really great 13 and I would love to volunteer to read the rest.

I would point out a few words that caught my attention.

"When everyone gave [had given] their condolences and left, his sister and cousin stayed for dinner at Matthew's request."

"They insisted on cleaning everything up and then [and left him or then left him, but only one] left him to get some rest."

"If they knew how terrified Matthew was [felt] about having to take care of [taking care of] Guenzel alone, they would stay."

I would read on