Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Prize Questions--first 13

This is topic The Prize Questions--first 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by talsmitde (Member # 8138) on :

Migau was surprised to see his brother Jerome on the cover. He was even more surprised to see his name mentioned in the story. Sure, the Royal Science Society had a bit of a reputation for grooming future members of the Regaliam, not to mention giving young gentlemen a boost into the top circles of the Lothier. But the front story of Madame Bullie’s gossip rag? His brother, the scholar best known for a boring study of the status of the Church in Ungavet? He shook his head in disbelief and bought the paper. This Jerome had to see—and, of course, their mother would want to see.
The Arrondise bell struck—four, five. He was late, he really didn’t want to be late, and it would take him longer than usual to get home. The bakers were protesting outside of the

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 26, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Hm... I'm actually not sure what to make of this one. I think i'd turn the page, mostly because the situation is one I haven't encountered before, and seems like a neat blend of early 19th century culture and magic (not sure where I'm getting that from, but there you have it).

A couple things bugged me. The number of proper nouns was a bit much to absorb in the first 13 lines. I had to read through it twice to make sure I got all of them down. I'm a bit unclear on why the Royal Science Society is involved with a scholar of something that seems more like history or theology than science, but maybe that's the point, that in this culture they are one and the same.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

I am interested in Jerome at this point (not Migau, since I don’t know anything about him). I like the feel of society/city life. I would read on for a bit to see where you are headed. (I expect to be in Jerome's head pretty soon.) Nit-picks and suggestions:

It is unclear: was Migau or Jerome mentioned in the story? How about: “Migau was surprised to see his brother on the cover, and even more surprised to see Jerome’s name mentioned in the story.”

Confusing sequence of information: the cover… the story… the Royal Science Society (now I’m thinking it’s the Society’s publication we are looking at)… But [the] gossip rag (Huh?) Could you work in the “gossip rag” in the first sentence? Then go on to talk about Jerome and the Society.

And too may proper names! It’s enough to say that students at the Royal Science Society are groomed for OR given a boost into important positions in politics and science (or whatever). If you can shorten it up, then maybe give us a taste of the story? Was the photo compromising? Certainly if he opened it and saw Jerome’s name then he saw it in context, and I’m curious! Don’t withhold your POV character’s knowledge in an attempt to create suspense; it’s frustrating. Even if all he saw was one sentence and slammed it shut.

The fragment “This Jerome had to see” made me think for a moment that we are in Jerome’s Point of View (POV). Wouldn’t the person buying the rag be thinking that HE had to see it? (Also that sentence is repetitive.) How about: “This he had to see—and, of course, Jerome and their mother would [need] to read it too.” Or take it a step further: “This he had to see—and he couldn’t wait to wave it under Jerome’s nose! What would their mother say?” Something about the expected/hoped for reactions?

You could replace “Arrondise bell” with "church bell" or “bell tower”. We can get the name later, if it matters.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 27, 2008).]