I've revised the scene to do as some have suggested and start "where the action begins."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Alone in the jail once again, Mason stares at the cluttered desk. Telegraph wires, letters and wanted posters litter the scarred desktop. Taking the wanted posters in hand, Mason leans back heavily in his chair and sifts through them, carefully studying each face as depicted by the artist. Some, he is sure are overly exaggerated likenesses, some maybe not enough. There was one poster that intrigued him and he lay it aside.

Mason suspected many of these men had seen a bullet long before he became Sheriff. Some may have drifted off to Canada or across the Great Divide. Either way, one thing he did know is that he could never be to sure.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Thank you in advance
 

Gathering the wanted posters in hand, Mason leaned back heavily in his chair and began sifting through them, carefully studying each face as depicted by the artist. Some, he was sure were overly exaggerated likenesses, some maybe not enough. There was one however that intrigued him and that one he lay aside.

Mason suspected many of these men had seen a bullet long before he became Sheriff. Some may have drifted off to Canada or across the Great Divide. Either way, one thing he did know is he could never be to sure who was in town at any given time.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Alone in the jail once again, Mason stares at the cluttered desk. Telegraph wires, letters and wanted posters litter the scarred desktop. Gathering the wanted posters in hand, Mason leaned back heavily in his chair and began sifting through them, carefully studying each face as depicted by the artist. Some, he was sure were overly exaggerated likenesses, some maybe not enough. There was one however that intrigued him and that one he lay aside.

Mason suspected many of these men had seen a bullet long before he became Sheriff. Some may have drifted off to Canada or across the Great Divide. Either way, one thing he did know is he could never be to sure who was in town at any given time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My apologies if this makes it a little too long.

--Kait

 

I very much appreciate your input.

Pal...
 

Maybe before Mason sees the intriguing poster and lays it aside, he should have all those ruminations about all the bullets the men has seen. Only because I'm assuming that you are transitioning into the significance of the poster he laid aside.

In the second part he might want to be 'too sure' instead of 'to sure'.

Mason suspected many of these men had seen a bullet long before he became Sheriff. Some may have drifted off to Canada or across the Great Divide. Either way, one thing he did know is he could never be too sure who was in town at any given time.
There was one however that intrigued him and that one he lay aside.

It does change the "mood". Wow, thanks!

Pal...

 

My take:

quote:

---

Alone in the jail once again once again is probably not necessary , Mason stares at the cluttered desk. Telegraph wires, letters and wanted posters litter the scarred desktop. Gathering the wanted posters in hand, Mason he leaned tense switch back heavily How do you do this? The adverb can get cut in his chair and began sifting through them, carefully studying each face as depicted by the artist. Some, he was sure were overly exaggerated likenesses, some maybe not enough.
Mason suspected "Manson suspected" can probably be cut. We are in his POV unless you tell us otherwise, so he can think - Many of these men had seen a bullet long before he became Sheriff. Some others (?) may have drifted off to Canada or across the Great Divide. Either way, one thing he did know is I think you just tense shifted again. "He knew" would be past tense he could never be too sure who was in town at any given time.
There was one need to identify one what since the last noun was "town." And I think you need commas around the "however" however that intrigued him and that one he lay aside.

---

Looks like its building to something nice. Even though it's a slow start, there's a nice hook there.

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited August 25, 2008).]
 

Yeah, I do have a problem with that as I write my ideas down so quickly then forget to change them as I go.

I will work on that. Thank you for pointing it out.

Pal...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Alone in the jail, Mason stared at the cluttered desk. Telegraph wires, letters and wanted posters littered the scarred desktop. Gathering the wanted posters in hand, he leaned back in his chair and began sifting through them, carefully studying each face as depicted by the artist. Some faces he was sure were overly exaggerated likenesses, some maybe not enough.

Many of these men had seen a bullet long before he became Sheriff. Others may have drifted off to Canada or across the Great Divide. Either way, one thing he knew was he could never be too sure who was in town at any given time.

There was a face, however, that intrigued him and that one he lay aside.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~
 

I like the “once again.” It lends a feeling of weariness, and experience to Mason. Adding this to “Many of these men had probably seen a bullet long before he became Sheriff” brackets his time as a Sheriff. He is young enough, but worn. I think that these two words add flavor to your character.

Here’s what I like.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Alone in the jail once again, Mason stared at the cluttered desk. Telegraph wires, letters and wanted posters littered the scarred desktop. Gathering the wanted posters in hand, he leaned back in his chair and began sifting through them, carefully studying each face as depicted by the artist. Some, he was sure were overly exaggerated likenesses, some maybe not enough.

Many of these men had probably seen a bullet long before he became Sheriff. Others may have drifted off to Canada or across the Great Divide. Either way, one thing he knew was he could never be too sure who was in town at any given time. However, there was one face that intrigued him, so that one he laid aside.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

IMHO

--Kait

 

I'm taking all the suggestions and putting them down so I can see what fits the personality of the story best.

One thing I have learned is, if it's not "Me" then it's not going to work no matter how many people say otherwise.

I love all the help and suggestions and in just the first thirteen lines I have seen a big improvement.

My novel so far has about 80 pages and I am enjoying every minute I write.

The beginning, however, was bugging me and so many of you have helped me greatly in that department.

Thanks!

Pal...pondering how long her "thank you" page should be.
 

You're right of course, and now you better get writin' because I want to know what happens!

--Kait

<Lady Tiger licks her lips in anticipation of a savory meal>
 

Right now it sounds like he's just looking around for an adventure, and it feels like just a device to start a story (Our hero wanders over here and happens to stumble on a secret document that triggers the story).

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited August 26, 2008).]
 

You did,however, bring up a point about how the rest of the scene goes. Yeah, nothing too exciting, but it's setting up the story...persay.

Pal...pondering if having an "explosive" beginning sometimes doesn't lead to a quick fizzled out story...just pondering...

 

So the intent could be something as simple as wanting a bit of quiet to enjoy his coffee, or trying to remember a face, or wanting to remember good times by flipping through old wanted posters.