The novel is 90% complete, but, as always, I'm still tweaking the beginning.
Thanx in advance!
S!
S!...C!
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Fifteen year old Billy Mecklenburg lurched forward at the sight of the guitar-styled necked synthesizer. His musical goal was mere minutes away from taking its largest-ever step forward.
"This is the newest in mobile keyboard technology," the suited salesman said. "We only show this to serious musicians."
Billy took the synthesizer with gentle hands. "This is an incredible instrument." The remains of his German accent still came out squeaky and uncertain whenever he lost control of his emotions. He knew he needed to work on covering that, otherwise he'd never get away with anything.
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"The remains of his German accent"
I guess maybe that sentence could be re-cast, like "the remnants" but even then I think that would be too picky. Good stuff.
quote:
Fifteen year old Billy Mecklenburg
To me, this seemed excessive information. Like a dossier. Even last names sometimes feel planted to me when they are in the first line. Billy pretty much makes me think boy. Including his age--well perhaps that could come later. It doesn't flow to me.
I might suggest simply "Billy Meklenburg"
quote:
guitar-styled necked
this was awkward to me. It may be proper, but I seemed to expect it to mean guitar-style necked.Or even better guitar necked.
My first thoughts mirrored Hinton, in that, remnants seemed a better noun.
The voice felt a little stiff and distant, and I felt it could be strengthened to capture more of the enthusiasm of the young man's discovery.
It seems, perhaps, the image of the instrument could be the first line here. It could anchor a deeper sense of the POV, because it is the moment of incitement.
Otherwise, the situation interested me because I have personally experienced the wonders of a music store, but I couldn't help but wonder if others would see it as such or perhaps somewhat mundane.
But this is just my two humble appleseeds worth. Hope it helps.
Forgot to mention this before...would anyone be interested in reading the first scene? I don't have the file with me now, but I'd say it's in the 800-1000 word range.
S!
S!...C!