I'll appreciate any criticism, on tone, the hook, anything.
Thanks.
Tom
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God, I hate dying.
I know that this is an odd thought for someone in my line of work, but I do; I hate dying. It's just a fact of life when you travel from star to star. Everyone dies. Most of us survive it.
The revival might be worse, though. There I was, the big bad killer, scooping gunk from my eyes, pinching each nostril shut and blowing fluorescent goo out of the other. How glamorous. Not exactly what the recruiting screens back home promised. “Join the Marines, see the universe!” Uh-huh. They forgot to mention the goo.
One hour later I was in my cabin, sleeping. Dying always makes me tired. It would take five days to get to Hometown, half accelerating, half decelerating. By then, I’d be rested and ready to go meet my next, well, client.
I think you could cut "I know that" in your second sentence, just to tighten it a bit.
Also the line, "The revival might be worse, though." reads a little awkward and out of place. He seems pretty disgusted with the revival process as it is. And we get no sense of "how" it could be worse. More painful? More nauseating? You could just start with, "So there I was..." and I think it'd be fine.
Thanks for the chance to read.
I'd love to know how the rest goes.
Babbler, what was the adverb?
Modifications based on comments below.
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God, I hate dying.
This is an odd thought for someone in my line of work, but I do; I hate dying. It's just a fact of life when you travel from star to star. Everyone dies. Most of us survive it.
The first few minutes after revival are the worst. There I was, the big bad killer, scooping gunk from my eyes, pinching each nostril shut and blowing fluorescent goo out of the other. How glamorous. Not exactly what the recruiting screens back home promised. “Join the Marines, see the universe!” Uh-huh. They forgot to mention the goo.
One hour later I was in my cabin, sleeping. Dying always makes me tired. It would take five days to get to Hometown, half accelerating, half decelerating. By then, I’d be rested and ready to go meet my next, well, client.
And after another read-through, the sentence is stronger without it: Not what the recruiting screens back home promised.[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 27, 2008).]
quote:
God, I hate dying.[This is<--[If your going to drop the "I know" which helped me to emerge, make this a: That's] an odd thought for someone in my line of work, but I do[.] I hate dying. It's just a fact of life when you travel from star to star. Everyone dies. Most of us survive it.
[The first few minutes after revival are the worst.<--[Don't sacrifice the voice. Keep it in character. IMHO - this sentence should be part of the last paragraph, since it's in the same derisive tone, just trim it a little: Revival sucks, too. And your first sentence of this paragraph should be:] There I was, the big bad killer, scooping gunk from my eyes, pinching each nostril shut and blowing fluorescent goo out of the other. How glamorous. Not [exactly<--Cut.] what the recruiting screens back home promised. “Join the Marines, see the universe!” Uh-huh. They forgot to mention the goo.
One hour later I was in my cabin, sleeping. Dying always makes me tired. It would take five days to get to Hometown, half accelerating, half decelerating. By then, I’d be rested and ready to go meet my next, well, client.
I love the imagery.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 27, 2008).]
Now, here's a question. As I work on it past this, is there some mechanism for getting more feedback?
Thanks again!
Tom
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God, I hate dying.
I know that’s an odd thought for someone in my line of work, but I do; I hate dying. It's just a fact of life when you travel from star to star. Everyone dies. Most of us survive it.
Revival sucks, too. There I was; the big bad killer, scooping gunk from my eyes, pinching each nostril shut and blowing fluorescent goo out of the other. How glamorous. Not what the recruiting screens back home promised. “Join the Marines, see the universe!” Uh-huh. They forgot to mention the goo. What with dying and reviving, it’s surprising that people actually pay for this crap.
One hour later I was in my cabin, sleeping. Dying always makes me tired. It would take five days to get to Hometown, half
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 28, 2008).]
quote:
Now, here's a question. As I work on it past this, is there some mechanism for getting more feedback?
Ask for volunteers. You could revive this thread--or start a new one--when you've finished enough to know if you like your beginning as it stands. We writers are often fickle, you know.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 28, 2008).]
Tom
) and the fact that, yup, I definitely want to know what happens next mean that I'd read on.There was one line you've added to the last version which confused me a little, and I don't think it adds anything to the story as a whole.
quote:Who pays? I'd have thought that surely they'd have been paid.
What with dying and reviving, it’s surprising that people actually pay for this crap.
I could be wrong. It is Monday morning after all, sigh. 
Edited to say, I just looked back over the extract, and I think what confused me is the reference to 'join the marines' and him being a killer made me think he was in the marines.
Probably just me. It is Tuesday morning, after all.
[This message has been edited by Badger (edited July 01, 2008).]
My other reservation is with the very last line: "By then, I’d be rested and ready to go meet my next, well, client."
Specifically, I'm not a fan of the last three words. The tone of the whole intro is very conversational, and I feel very much like a professional hitman is telling me the story. By adding the "well" in there, it sounds too forced... I just don't believe the dialog any more. I got that a 'client' was either someone who was going to hire him to kill, or perhaps a euphemism for someone he was going to kill... but adding the "well" makes it sound like he is uncomfortable telling me what a client really is. Or perhaps that he is uncomfortable with the idea of this kind of client. I think that the job would be better performed by an ellipsis, italics on the word client, or nothing at all -- let us figure out what a client is, or why that word carries funny emphasis in his head. IMHO.
The MC is an government assassin, performing covert internal wet-work. IOW, he's not technically a contract killer, he is (or was) a marine who was recruited internally to take care of problems that cannot be handled publically. I don't know how to add that relationship into the hook without making it seem forced.
He's also conflicted about his job. He sees it as his patriotic duty, but is uncomfortable with the executioner aspect of it. This leads to his use of the euphamism "client". I like the suggestion of just trailing off with an elipsis instead of using "client."
Again, these are great. Since this work will be told in the first person, past tense, I must make certain that the internal dialog is consistent throughout the book, and these comments help point this out. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by tommose (edited July 02, 2008).]
The first time I read it, some while ago when the thread started, I stopped reading somewhere around "Everyone dies." I didn't get to the second para because although I love SF, I have no patience with horror, or stories without hope, or stories where MC moans too much.
Now that I get to the second para I discover he's a killer. So what I get from the first 13 is that he's a killer, and he doesn't like dying or goo. He doesn't sound like good company, not someone that I can sympathise with.
In the discussions you mention that he's conflicted about his role and for me, it might be worth getting something that makes the character likeable in pretty soon, if not the first 13. If conflict with himself is the heart of the story, would it be good to foreshadow it in the first 13 as the hook?
I think the voice is strong and compelling. The writing style is crisp and clean. I'm interested in the story, though muchly due to your comments about it.
Of course it's your story and I may not be your target audience, in which case do please ignore my comments.
Hope this helps,
Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited July 02, 2008).]
I know what your thinking. "Shut up, strange person. I just like to babble.
With that said I'm not much of an editor so don't expect me to correct your grammar, you have a great start it seems interesting and makes me ask as to why you have to die to travel in space?
I would assume that is good because it makes me want to read further.
Also you mention he is a marine but in the last sentence he says he is meeting a client? I'm a little confused unless in the next few line you tell me he is mercenary.
I hope this is good feedback.
Cheers.
First off, thanks for the feedback. It's all valuable.
The nice point, for me, is that you were interested enough to ask "why you have to die to travel in space." That's part of what a hook does, in my opinion, is to make the reader ask why.
To my own pseudo-physics...
The way (in this universe) that space travel is done is through generated wormholes. In this "reality", a wormhole is like, say, a knitting needle that passes through a balloon, with the surface of the balloon representing "now", and the entry and exit points representing two points in space. When you travel down a wormhole, the objective time of travel is exactly zero.
The subjective time is the amount of time it would take you to travel the distance of the hypothetical knitting needle that is inside the balloon, at whatever speed you entered the entry point of the wormhole.
In other words, if the entry points of the wormhole were exactly 100 miles apart, and you threw a baseball into one end at exactly 100 miles per hour, the ball would exit the hole at the same time it enters, but very close to one hour would have passed in the ball's time frame.
And that's the reason that everyone dies in space travel. While commerce and travel between worlds is instantaneous to those waiting for the ships. For those on the ships, years, decades, or centuries (or more) can pass. To travel between the stars, they have to kill you and freeze you. When you get to your destination, assuming the machinery still runs after the centuries, they thaw and revive you. Hence "Everyone dies. Most of us survive it."
To the question about the protagonist's vocation.
The protagonist is a marine, who was seconded to colonial internal security to interrogate and assassinate those traitors (he's told that they're traitors, at least) whose prosecution would betray more secrets than they have already sold. To him, he's performing his duty to defend the colonies. I didn't say he was a mercenary, just that he's a killer.
The question of how I explain why "everyone dies" is something I'll obviously have to address somewhere in the story.
Again, thanks so much for the feedback. Believe me, all of it is useful. Without hard, honest feedback, how does one improve their work?
Tom
Wow! What a long thread! I can see why you have so many comments, your first 13 lines were very strong, just the type of thing that would get me to read the first page or two in the store to see if I should open up my wallet and take it home.
The first 13 were your best, the one in the middle of the post had a weaker hook. First person POV's are harder to pull off than 3rd person but you have done an excellent job with these. The voice reminded me of Harry Harrison's A Stainless Steel Rat.
I have one technical problem with this. If it is an instellar starship traveling between systems at sub-light speeds, the last five days should be all deceleration, not half Accel, half decel.
Hope this helps!
The other question your comment raises to me is this. Would the protagonist know this, understand this or note it? On a cruise ship, does a passenger know when the ship is accelerating or decelerating towards the port? In this guy's world, in the windowless world of the cruise ship, does he know what the ship is doing?
I think that the narrative from his POV might be better without getting into the mechanics of everyday space flight, though I'll have to, at some point, explain how it's done.
Thanks for the comments about the opening, though. I too preferred the first draft to the second.
Tom
By the way - Great 1st 13!
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 06, 2008).]
That's along the lines I was thinking of, except that it's not safe physically. I hadn't thought of approaching it from a psychological aspect. Now I have to be careful. I'll have to read that story, though.
Thanks