Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Query- Fantasy novel

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Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

I'd appreciate any input on this query, which I am hoping to send around once I get this latest draft of the novel polished.

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Dear {AGENT'S NAME}:

A divine avatar is on a murderous rampage through the kingdom of Talmara. To remove the death sentence on his head, infamous poacher Duncan Korvaine has pledged to hunt down the avatar before it kills again. But representatives from two rival factions demand to accompany him: the Chandlers, who want to capture and control the avatar’s power; and the Children of Sorrow—-led by Duncan’s fanatic sister—-who believe their god has come down on a mission of vengeance, and shall not be defied.

Duncan must lead his crew through a land shattered by a supernatural catastrophe and confront the god he rejected years before-—in the flesh. And he might've stood a chance of getting through all this alive if someone wasn’t sabotaging his every effort along the way.

Heaven’s Gates are Rusted Shut, my 120,000 word fantasy novel, is complete and available for representation. I have sold short stories to magazines such as ***, ***, ***, and the *** anthology.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

***

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

Dear {AGENT'S NAME}:

This first paragraph launches right into the story. I think it would be nice to have a brief, one line pitch sentence first. A divine avatar is on a murderous rampage through the kingdom of Talmara. To remove the death sentence on his head,At first glance, this made me think the avatar has a death sentence on his head infamous poacher Duncan Korvaine has pledged to hunt down the avatar before it kills again. But representatives from two rival factions demand to accompany him: the Chandlers, who want to capture and control the avatar’s power; and the Children of Sorrow—-led by Duncan’s fanatic sister—-who believe their god has come down on a mission of vengeance, and shall not be defied.Why would he let them come along when they both want him to keep the avatar alive, and he has to kill it? Why wouldn't he just say, buzz off?

Duncan must lead his crew through a land shattered by a supernatural catastrophe and confront the god he rejected years before-—in the fleshcool concept. And he might've stood a chance of getting through all this alive if someone wasn’t sabotaging his every effort along the way.

Heaven’s Gates are Rusted Shut, my 120,000 word fantasy novel, is complete and available for representation. I have sold short stories to magazines such as ***, ***, ***, and the *** anthology.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

I think this looks good. The concept is neat, and you manage to describe the story very well. Really, my only suggestion is to have a little appetizer first, before you give the plot paragraph.

Good luck! I think you'll do well.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Over all I thought this a very strong query. I'm definitely intrigued by the premise. I was a little confused about his confusion about the god... so the avatar really is a god?

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

The term "avatar" usually refers to something like a "reincarnation" of a god. In religions that believe in reincarnation, such as Hinduism, the gods, as well as every other life form, have several lives. So an "avatar" would be who the god is in this life.

Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Good to know it's not the jumbled mess I thought. I'll try to make a few points less confusing, but at least it's generally ready.

Posted by tommose (Member # 8058) on :

I agree with wrenbird. the second sentence confused me. To remove the death sentence on his head, infamous poacher Duncan Korvaine muddies the identity of the protagonist with many modifiers. I also agree that a one line pitch might help before the first sentence. You might introduce Duncan and convey that Duncan has bigger problems than being condemned.

I also have a few syntactical notes:

As many remember from "Conjunction Junction", you shouldn't start a sentence with a conjunction, which you do twice, with "But representatives from two rival factions..." and "And he might've stood a chance...". I'm guilty of it in many cases as well, but an agent might find it offputting.

Second, there are a few unnecessary words. Again, it's just a style thing. For example, you say "two rival factions" and then you name the factions. The word "two" might be redundant.

These are minor quibbles, though. Will an agent care? I don't know.

Anyway, my two cents. In all, though, it's good. I like the concept and the plot, as you've conveyed them. I like that Duncan's companions are working at cross purposes, and that Duncan has a history with the god causing the huhu.

Tom