Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Keeper, Chapter two

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Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

When the moon began to set in the pale morning light, without any innocents under protection of the Church being maimed or slaughtered, Elyria began to relax. The Allywn Keep was an ancient one, with the Tower of the Were jutting up like a granite fist in one corner of the great stone village. The fortress-like enclosure of the Keep was perched at the top of a dark crag overlooking the deep blue waters of Morai Firth. The Tower was built of the same gray stone as the low round brochs inhabited by the rest of the Keep's residents.
While everyone in the Keep was kin of some sort, only the traditional thirteen true Were - and Elyria, the Keeper - resided in the ancient tower. The Were tended toward the night, and mornings belonged to Elyria alone. She threw the sashes of

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 20, 2008).]

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Sounds very good, but where are the robots?

The only thing that caught my attention is the phrase, threw the sashes...wide. It might be fine, but I haven't heard that before.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

'ello there, wouldbe! How would one describe the wooden coverings over castle windows? I put in sashes, but that's from "The Night Before Christmas", now that I think about it. You caught me not actually checking.

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

Hmmm.... pretty good too. As per usual, though, a few thoughts from me.

1. The first sentence could, or probably should, be broken in to two pieces. Day breaks, Elyria relaxes. Another night without anyone dying. As the sentence currently stands, it's slightly too complex for easy comprehension - or at least, you could smooth out the meaning by breaking it into two pieces. I had to reread it a couple times to fully grasp what was going on, though I admittedly tend to blow through things pretty quickly and will on occasion miss things due to speed.

2. Shouldn't it be Allywn Keep, rather than The Allywn Keep? I'll defer to those with more knowlege on the subject, but I thought that The wasn't necessary.

3. I seem to be off on this lately, so maybe IB can correct me, but are there POV issues going on? We start in Elyria's POV, then move to a wide angle camera shot of the whole complex, back down to Elyria, but not before the narrator tells us about the occupants of the Tower of the Were.

4. Wouldn't the information about the traditional thirteen true Were be included in the first chapter? Seems like pertinent information. I can't really speak to this too closely since I haven't read the whole thing, so it's more of a comment than an actual criticism.

Still, pretty good. I'd keep reading.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I wasn't quibbling about 'sashes'; I was talking about 'throwing them wide'...hadn't heard that before. Sounds okay, though.

I see that SWMBO trimmed of 'wide'; she must not have heard it either

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

Wouldbe - so that's how it works! I always thought that "13 lines in the box" explanation was a coverup.

I think you're right, Jayson. I'm just a major airhead when it comes to keeping the POV tight. the info about who is in the tower becomes pertinent a couple graphs down, so it definitely should get moved to where it's needed. That was really good point, and I thank you. Gonna take a chapter or two off my hands?

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

YES! I need the work that's not accounting related. Actually, if you send it to me asap, I'mm print it at work and then have paper copies for early morning reading on the patio (avec cafe).

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

am I too late? I'm sending fifty pages your way right now.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

Your 'sashes' sound like shutters - like wooden doors which close over the windows. I don't know what the US term is.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I found a cool site, Castle Learning Center, last night. Shutters is what I'm going to use. and it's the same here as there. Although an online dictionary defines sash as "The complete frame, including panes", which technically would do the same thing, but I'm thinking these folks may not be using glass windows.

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited June 21, 2008).]

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

I don't know about US usage, but in the UK a sash, in this context, is a type of window where it's divided into sections that can be run up or down to open the window. Normally there are two sections, so you can open it either at the top or the bottom.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

Aha! the sash plot thickens.

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

Sorry, I am late to this. I read your original 13 on the first chapter a while ago, and liked the story. For some reason, this read heavy for me. This could just be me though. But here are my thoughts.

I would suggest breaking the first sentence in two, similar to what Wolfe_boy suggested. It just read awkard to me.

I try to stay away from to many "was" sentences, especially in a row sometimes can read like the dreaded info-dump. For some reason I got confused here. It began with the second sentence. If I am reading this correctly The ancient Allywn Keep(also the the great stone village) has the Tower of the Were jutting up from it, right? The fortress-like enclosure of the Keep, did this refer to the entire Allywn Keep(stone village) or just the tower portion. I always understood a "Keep" to be a fortress-like in itself. I don't know if this helps but I fooled with it:

The Tower of the Were jutted up like a granite fist from one corner of the ancient Allywn Keep. The fortress-like enclosure perched atop a dark crag overlooking the deep blue waters of Morai Firth.

I might also suggest, instead of saying one corner, picking a corner, sw corner, nw, it just gives more of a detailed picuture with out the reader wondering which corner.

quote:
While everyone in the Keep was kin of some sort, only the traditional thirteen true Were - and Elyria, the Keeper - resided in the ancient tower.

This threw me as well. I kept reading it as only the traditional thirteen true were Were. I don't know why, it cuold have been the -.

quote:
The Were tended toward the night, and mornings belonged to Elyria alone.

Probably a little too late for me to say nice sentence. But I truly liked this one. It said so much more than just the words, gave me a great feeling to the entire piece.

sashes-Sashes, are the windows themselves, the panes and wood grids that hold the glass. Shutters are the wodden doors for the windows. So I think you would want to use shutters.

I hope this helps.

Edited for some typos, I am sure missed more.

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited June 22, 2008).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

thanks for the comments, Tiergan. As I was surfing, I realized that I had misused the word 'keep', as you pointed out, but then surfed some more and discovered that early, early in Scottish castle construction 'keep' could indeed refer to the entire enclosed area - tower, building, courtyard, etc, which is what I saw in my head. Since these guys are situated in the early 11th century, I might let it ride. I'm, not sure yet. If it doesn't make sense to readers, there's no point in being right, right? I've been depending heavily on Castle Learning Center for background stuff. It's not really in depth, but then, neither am I.

so it's been pretty helpful.

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

No, you are right. I always think of the keep as the entire closed in area. Its just that I think of an enclosed area as fortress-like. I would keep the word "keep" it gives a "time" to the period which instantly gives us feeling for the piece.

Sashes-I just realized that in that time period, someone could throw the sashes open or wide, as windows(sashes) swung open like a pair of doors back then. But if they didnt have glass, I would stick to the shutters.

Posted by SimonSays (Member # 3307) on :

Hi Deb,
I've been out of the loop here for the last couple of weeks, so here's my crit now of your 1st 13 of chapt 2 "Keeper of the Were".

When the moon began to set in the pale morning light,(nice setting/intro) without [word of] any[one] (Bodies can be dragged off into the woods. It might be a while before they were missed, and for word to get back to her... As worded, I'm again wondering if she isn't clairavoyant or something, like in the 1st chapter's p.o.v. attribution.) [del:innocents. (It would be o.k. then, if others were slaughtered/maimed; I.E., tax collectors? lawyers?politicians/noblemen?)] under protection of the Church being maimed or slaughtered, Elyria began to relax. [Del:The] Allywn Keep was an ancient one, with the Tower of the Were jutting up like a [gray]granite fist in [Del ne, specify which corner please] corner of the great stone village. The fortress-like enclosure of the Keep was perched at the top of a dark crag overlooking the deep blue waters of Morai Firth. The Tower was built of the same [Del:gray,if you feel it's redundant.] stone as the low round brochs inhabited by the rest of the Keep's residents.
While everyone in the Keep was kin of some sort, only the [Del:traditional. Is this really a tradition? Do the Weres bite people to maintain the 13 Weres, if some die?] thirteen true Were - and Elyria, the Keeper - resided in the [Del:ancient. (It's somewhat redundant--the keep is already labled ancient)] tower. The Were tended toward the night, and mornings belonged to Elyria alone. (Nice. But I wonder then, when does she sleep? She stayed up all night for this vigil thing with Collen... and now she's going to start her day?) She threw the sashes of

I second Jayson here about the p.o.v. shifts. (The keep/town, and Weres descriptions sound like a prologue to me . You might want to think about including these, and the prologue like description of Elyria and her job as keeper from your 1st post, into an actual prologue... ending maybe with your "it was nights like these...", then following with the linear slide down into Elyria's viewpoint that you wanted.)

[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited July 08, 2008).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

'Allo, Simon! always nice to get your feedback. Thank you very much. Think I should post number three yet?

Posted by Jericho (Member # 8073) on :

I read it. I had comments. I read the rest of the comments. Tiergan voiced them before I could.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I HATE it when that happens!

Posted by SimonSays (Member # 3307) on :

Sure deb., go ahead. It will be a bit before I can crit it though, as I'm still working on version 2 of Chapter 1 .