Hatrack River Writers Workshop: first 13

This is topic first 13 - City of Magi in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by micmcd (Member # 7977) on :

I have revised my first attempt -- please comment if you care to

The following is the first thirteen lines of my WIP, City of Magi. Comments, be they nasty, glowing, or somewhere in between, are always welcome -- provided you can deal with crushing the spirit of a young writer

If anyone is particularly inclined to take a look at a few chapters that have been revised a few times, I'd love to get some feedback on those as well. (I can go as high as 50k words, but the chapters are ~8k chunks)

Background:
To give the story more context - it is a fantasy story set in a time comparable to ours around the 1920's with regards to technological advancement. Magic exists, but is a more industrial tool than you might find in a "Potter-style" book. No wands. The main characters live in a small, but prosperous nation constantly threatened by its much larger neighbor, causing society to have a hefty dose of respect for and focus on the military.

Thanks for any and all feedback. The chapter is entitled, "A Hero's Funeral."

quote:

Alexander Locke's funeral march proceeded at sunset. As Grayson Kearney watched the crowd of politicians, comrades-in-arms, reporters, and well-wishers march slowly through the spidery shadows of the weeping willows, he smiled at their simple, ignorant grief. They should be outraged. Locke was murdered.
Hundreds long, the procession came to a close at the end of Trail of Remembrance that wound its way up the cliffs overlooking the Western Sound. Grayson stood solemnly across the cemetery at the grave of a woman he never knew, watching the mostly black-clad crowd with occasional flashes of purple cloaks as they fanned out around the fresh grave. The pallbearers set the simple casket in a net over the grave, ending their burdened journey, and drifted back into the crowd.

Note - I have another hook that begins with an action sequence (which seems to be in vogue here), but the disadvantage of happening three years prior to the action in the rest of the book, about which I'm not thrilled.

Gunpowder is not a common tool in battle due to the existence of magic; hence people carrying swords (but not metal armor).

quote:

Zia stumbled on the loose gravel of the mountain trail. As she pushed herself back to her feet, she couldn’t help but notice the view over the edge of Mount Dureen. A blue cloudless sky sat atop a sloping evergreen forest cut neatly by the Aleur River. She couldn’t ask for a prettier day on which to die.
The serene view was marred only by the screams of the pursuing troop of Valanian raiders. She could see Reja setting down the last of the three wounded youths, footmen fresh out of boot camp that looked like they started shaving yesterday. The raiders sprinted up the path; she didn’t have long. Zia sheathed her sword, pushed the magi stones on her bracelets firmly against her skin, dropped to her knees and started the incantation.
We may die, she thought, but we won't die alone.

[This message has been edited by micmcd (edited June 03, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by micmcd (edited June 04, 2008).]

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

Interesting. To tell you the truth, I was most hooked by Madison refusing to look at Grayson. I'm always a sucker for unrequited love.

A few nits, at first, I wasn't actually sure how old Madison was. "fine blonde hair" threw me off. Do you mean fine, as in thin? Like a little kids? Or fine, as in beautiful? I'd change the adjective if you mean the latter.

Also, the "Trail of Tears" threw me off too. I lost my sense of setting. At first, I thought the story was a typical fantasy setting. But, Trail of Tears has actual, historical significance. Is the setting early American history?

Posted by micmcd (Member # 7977) on :

Will look into changing the description of her hair... fine was only meaning thin. She isn't a child. Despite the historical significance to the name, I thought the Trail of Tears was simply a good name for a long, winding trail that leads to a national cemetery.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

I think the first sentence needs reworking, maybe with the information being given a little later. Don't tell us the guy's a hero of the republic, show us.

Posted by micmcd (Member # 7977) on :

Hmm... show you that he's a hero of the republic. He's dead, so he can't show you. Is the size of the funeral procession sufficient? A few sentences later you find that well known military officials, politicians, and reporters are at the funeral.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

That's it. You don't need to use 'funeral march' at the beginning of two consecutive paragraphs, and 'Grayson' three times over seems excessive.

Posted by micmcd (Member # 7977) on :

Thanks RobertB -- I didn't realize I used his name so many times. There are no other characters present in the scene thus far, so I could easily throw in a few pronouns without confusion.

Posted by Fooglmog (Member # 7970) on :

I really like it.

I didn't get to read it before the changes you made on the advise of others, but I think it reads great the way that it is now.

In fact, I like it so much that I'm not going to comment on it beyond what I've already said. I am going to give my thoughts on the idea of what an "action sequence" is though.

You said that some of us may not like this opening because action sequences are the vogue here. Yet, to my mind your section on the funeral procession is an action sequence.

I think that the term "action sequence" has been corrupted by Hollywood to the point that people immediately think of some kind of life and death struggle which will have immediate, tangible results. For the most part, that's not what's meant by "action sequence" here.

What we mean is, don't simply write static descriptions. For example, a story should not begin with a description of a city when nothing in the description of that city is going to change throughout the course of the novel. It's a waste, because you can give us all that information by having your MC wander through the city interacting with it.

My general rule of thumb is that if the description I'm giving at the start of my novel is not changed by the middle of the novel, it ought not be a block description. All the information that's needed can be gleaned by how my characters move through the environment.

On the other hand, what you describe here is a fleeting event. It's constantly changing and will not remain static. Therefore, it involves "action" and is an "action sequence". The fact that you have characters interacting with it makes it even more interesting.

There's a difference between what you have written above and something like this:

"The city of Barandur had stood atop the hill of Mozak for near three hundred years. At dawn and dusk, the sands from the desert of Adamandia made the sun glow red, and when its rays kissed the city, its stone walls and commanding spires glowed red. And so throughout all the surrounding lands it was known as the Red City".

The above is not an action sequence. There's no characters, and nothing in it is changing. At the end of this story, it seems likely that nothing will have changed either (not that I intend to continue past that intro).

I'd also like to point out that describing the place like this steals opportunities for me to give insight into my characters to the reader. If I had my character interact with the city and notice these things, I'd not only tell the audience all the above information, but I'd also have the chance to let them know what my characters think about these surroundings. Thus both the setting and the characters would be developed, instead of just the setting.

I hope that the difference between what I just wrote and your description of the funeral, which isn't static and gives us insight into characters thoughts, is clear. I've rambled a bit, but I often see people misunderstand the term "action sequence" here and wanted to clarify what I, at least, think it really means.

Having said that, I'd really like to read the beginning of the story. You said you were looking for readers, if you want to e-mail me the first 3 chapters (that's 24k words right?) I'd love to read them.

Posted by Unwritten (Member # 7960) on :

I liked it. A few comments:

quote:
he smiled at their simple, ignorant grief. They should be outraged. Locke was murdered.

This was jarring to me. Why would he smile at their grief? he frowned at their grief, or he was grateful for their it, or appalled by it, but I don't think he would smile at it.

quote:
Hundreds long, the procession came to a close at the end of Trail of Remembrance that wound its way up the cliffs overlooking the Western Sound.

This sentence could be reworded to make it easier to read. Hundreds long, the procession wound its way along the Trail of Remembrance to the cliffs overlooking the Western Sound or something to that effect.

quote:
Grayson stood solemnly across the cemetery at the grave of a woman he never knew,

I like the simple lyricism of this sentence. Nicely done!

[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited June 16, 2008).]

Posted by micmcd (Member # 7977) on :

Thanks for the comments, Unwritten! I have a question, though --

quote:

quote:he smiled at their simple, ignorant grief. They should be outraged. Locke was murdered.
This was jarring to me. Why would he smile at their grief? he frowned at their grief, or he was grateful for their it, or appalled by it, but I don't think he would smile at it.

Did you find this jarring because it made you dislike Grayson, or just because it seemed a jolt from what a human being would feel? The character is somewhat arrogant and enjoys knowing what others do not -- I didn't want liking him to come easily (though I did hope to achieve his likability as the story progresses).

I'm not trying to defend the work! (I agree with those who have posted elsewhere in the forum asking writers not to do that.) I just want to clarify whether you didn't like the character or the writing of that sentence. I wondered if people reading this would think that Grayson was the murderer.

Posted by Unwritten (Member # 7960) on :

I found it jarring because it seemed arrogant, and I hadn't gotten that impression of him from the rest of the work. If he IS arrogant, than it changes my opinion, and maybe I think you should leave it.

Posted by Unwritten (Member # 7960) on :

For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about this. Perhaps, if you really want to show his personality in the first 13, you could add a more direct thought--like this:

He smiled at their ignorant grief. The fools. They should be outraged. Locke was murdered...

Just a thought.

Posted by micmcd (Member # 7977) on :

That might be a good way to go on it. He isn't quite that much of an a-hole... perhaps contempt, rather than arrogance, was what I was going for. Would you be interested in reading a few chapters? I'd love to hear your opinion on it (and I'm always happy to do a crit myself if you have a WIP).

Posted by Unwritten (Member # 7960) on :

I'd love to trade.

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

I like the funeral scene a good deal more than the "action scene." I am rather fond of unorthodox beginnings. Kind of reminds me of a seed I wrote a month or so ago. I'll be glad to take a look at whatever you have to offer.