The moon was little more than a silvered crescent. Miro cupped his hands around the common copper penny nestled there and called down the weak light into his palms. The coin grew warm, a comfort against this cold spring night, but at least the rain had stopped.
Within a heartbeat, the magic was done, and Miro slipped the coin back into his trouser pocket.
“Where do you want us boss?” One of the Constable’s men stepped from the shadows. They’d kept their distance while Miro worked the small magic needed to silver the coin. He didn’t waste his time guessing whether it was out of respect or fear.
“You and Patrick take the front. I want you to nab anyone
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited May 19, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited May 19, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 19, 2008).]
With that out of the way though, I like the characterization and the idea of calling magic from the moon. It's good writing and a strong start.
Oh, I just saw from the other posts that Miro is the Constable; the good guy! I assumed Miro was using off-duty men who liked to pick up a little income on the sly. Well, the disconnect still exists for me even if you call him Constable Miro.
“trouser pocket” sounded slightly out of place, made me think of our world. Maybe one or two more details like that would help to get me out of a standard-Medieval expectation (driven by the moon imagery).
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 20, 2008).]
You've given me plenty to think about.
No. This is not a medieval fantasy. More like a Western one. It is a shift in POV in Chapter one, so in the preceding pages, the world has already been set, which of course, (my mistake, and I apologize,) isn't present here. Sorry about that.
No. He is not the constable. Miro is a mage, a rarity, on this colony world. The constable's men are uncomfortable working with him as he and his kind are considered a sort of a "wild card," in their society.
I should have added all this with my initial post, I realize. Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited May 20, 2008).]
Within a heartbeat, the magic was done[if it's nothing mysterious, this is the point where I want to know what the magic did. If it silvered the coin, as you say later, I want to see it happen.], and Miro slipped the coin back into his trouser pocket.
“Where do you want us[,] boss?” One of the Constable’s men stepped from the shadows. They’d kept their distance while Miro worked the small magic needed to silver the coin. He didn’t waste his time guessing whether it was out of respect or fear.[very good points by MrsBrown about all the "weak" and "nestled" words making Miro seem like a child. I haven't seen a hint of anything that would inspire respect or fear. I was confused because Miro didn't sound like the Constable to me, but I didn't know why he'd be ordering around the Constable's men. Different details in the description (are his hands rough and calloused? is he an outdoors type who wouldn't care so much about comfort in the rain?) would help show a more adult character.]
“You and Patrick take the front. I want you to nab anyone
quote:
The moon was little more than a silvered crescent.<--[IMHO - this sentence is not important, and distract from PoV. I suggest incorporating the information.] Miro cupped his hands around [the common<--[Is there an uncommon one? If not, I suggest trading this for: a] copper penny nestled there and called down the weak [moon]light [into his palms<--Redundant.]. The coin grew warm, a comfort against this cold spring night, but at least the rain had stopped. [He just called the moonlight down for a little warmth? The "cold spring night" and the sogginess can be explored later. Why is he calling the moonlight down? What is he doing? And, if others are present, how are they reacting?]Within a heartbeat, the magic was done, and Miro slipped the coin back into his trouser pocket.[What magic was done? Just heating his hands up?]
“Where do you want us [boss<--This and...]?” One of the Constable’s men<--[...this, together, add up to Miro being the Constable/boss.] stepped from the shadows. They’d kept their distance while Miro worked the small magic needed to silver the coin.[When did it become silver? Why did he need it to be?] He didn’t waste his time guessing whether it was out of respect or fear.<--[Some reactions--nervous whispering, sharp intakes of breath, feet shuffling further away--would lend credence to this observation.]
“You and Patrick take the front. I want you to nab anyone
Nothing I read indicated that Miro was young. On that, it seems ambiguous.
Constable doesn't sound "Western", it was used more frequently in an Eastern city/town capacity. I'm assuming you're referring to the 1860s (The Civil War) to the 1890s (Custard's Last Stand) West. If so, Sheriff could be town or county (and sometimes each had a separate one) and Marshall (also could be local, federal, city, county or state). Slouch hats, bowler/derby hats, bonnets, madison ankle boots or brogans, california pants and a frock coat would all be indicators of era and fashion. Not to mention boardwalks and hitching posts.
Also, you might mention that the sheriffs/deputies/marshalls/or if-you-have-your-heart-set-on-it constables are there to assist him--but at what is still the hidden question.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 22, 2008).]
I like the good stuff that's in there!
I liked it, but withheld comments as it looks rather full, and I have nothing new to say.
I am really liking how this novel is coming together as well, I've just been busy. What I want to do is finish the re-write of this chapter, of which, Miro's introduction is a part.
Would either of you be interested in looking at the chapter when it is completed? I expect it to be less than 3.5k when finished.
Thanks again for your votes of confidence.
The moon was little more than a silvered crescent. this reads as a static observation , but you don't have a p.o.v. identified yet.(That's not always a bad thing, but I prefer active sentence construction) Also, was little more than a seems a bit wordy/colorful, and not western in tone to me. I think this info. can be condensed and added later (during the spell) Miro cupped his hands around the O.k. , I'm visualizing the start of an action. (I don't yet have a visual of his hands--so, by default I picture them by his side) common copper penny nestled there (Here I stopped-- confused) He's not grasping at something. He already has it in his hands ? His closed hands ? nestled seems like an unusual word choice. How does a coin nestle (settle?) into flat, uncupped palms ? Also, I agree with I.B., Common is not needed. and called down the weak light (from the silver crescent moon) into his palms. The coin grew warm, a comfort against this cold spring night, Here I'm not sure if the coin warming, and I presume his hands warming, is a side effect--or the desired effect. but at least the rain had stopped. Another unclear observation. Does the concern about the rain stopping connect to his desire to be warm, magical interference, or both ? Also, you started with a static description of the moon, but no rain clouds were shown/described.
Within a heartbeat, the magic was done, What magic ? For me, the magic is the hook. I want to see more and know more about this moon magic. and Miro slipped the coin back into his trouser (pants?) pocket.
“Where do you want us boss?” One of the Constable’s men stepped from the shadows. Why are there shadows worth mentioning in the weak light of a crescent moon ? The boss constable's men connection, stopped me dead...again. (Switching the sentences helps a little with who is saying what, but not who's who). I guess It's possible boss is not meant to be taken literally... but as a jab at Miro. However, if that were the case, I'd expect more emphasis on the term boss. They’d kept their distance while Miro worked the small magic needed to silver the coin. Silvering the coin-- Is that supposed to be a transmutation magic? I don't consider transmutation a small magic. You've emphasized how miniscule the moonlight energy is. (I pictured the moon magic to be a glamour he's casting--an illusion).(It seems an appropriate use for a light magic).(with the possibility of it wearing off at an inappropriate time) He didn’t waste his time Is time critical ? He doesn't seem in a rush. guessing whether it was out of respect or fear. I too think you should show their reactions, and not just speculate about them. Also, if he's hypothesizing about their behavior-- then he is taking/wasting some of his time.
“You and Patrick take the front. He's apparently on a first name basis with some of these men, that doesn't jive with the less familiar reference in the constable's men line. I want you to nab anyone How does a silver coin connect to a nab and grab scenario ? (This might be a hook for me if it were explained soon enough.) If the coin is intended for a con , as someone else suggested, won't it be recognized as a fake-- if it isn't a different size/imprint. Different denominations tend to be different-- in order to be easily distinguishable.
O.k., that's all I have time for now. Please send me more, if you will, Mommiller... I'd like to see where you went with this.
Steve
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 25, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 25, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 25, 2008).]
If you would like more input, I would love to read more. Send it my way when you have it ready.
Intriguing...
Gina
[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited May 30, 2008).]
I'm a bit flabbergasted that so many folks want to read more of this.
Thanks everyone for your votes of confidence and wanting to read more. It gives me hope for the chances of selling this novel when the time comes.
Tiergan, Pyraxis, Simon, and Stammsp--I was hoping to have this chapter finished by now, but events this week has conspired against me. I'll do my best to get it to you soon. Understanding that this is the second part of the first chapter, and that I'll e-mail the entire first chapter when it is ready, okay?
I promise to work on it tonight.
I'm curious to see where this is going. I'd be happy to take a look at a chapter.
Also of note, I know that Miro is a Spanish name by origin (as well as an internet video broadcasting program), I was just wondering if the character is maybe Mexican, which might actually play well with a western theme.
my take:
quote:
The moon was little more than a silvered crescent. Miro cupped his hands around the common "common's" not necessary copper penny nestled there and called down the weak light it might be better to combine the two first lines - wane moonlight into his palms. The coin grew warm, a comfort against this cold spring night, but at least the rain had stopped Hu? Why reference the rain at all? .Within a heartbeat, the magic was done, and Miro slipped the show me the magic! - silver coin back into his trouser pocket.
“Where do you want us boss?” One of the Constable’s Is this someone other than Miro? If it's him, wouldn't he think - his men? men stepped from the shadows.
They’d kept their distance while Miro worked the small magic needed to silver the coin. He didn’t waste his time guessing whether it was out of respect or fear.
“You and Patrick take the front. I want you to nab anyone
Nice start. It needs some trimming and clarification and then I think you're on to something.
Miro is not a spanish name, sorry...Last name is Dibrokov.
As I mentioned before this intro is the start to a subsequent section, and the rain is just a tie in to what was written previously.
I'll post a rewritten beginning soon, I promise, and send on the whole of the first Chapter, which starts from Jane's perspective to those who wanted it.
Thanks again. Just things are really hectic.
Miro waited for the moon. He could feel its presence in the sky just as easily as he felt the cold night air settle into his aging bones. A brisk wind from the sea was coming up from the south; shredding the low hanging clouds and driving them back into the hills. More fog tomorrow, he thought, sinking his chin deeper into the scarf his wife Esme had so carefully wrapped about his neck. He breathed deep the slight lavender scent left behind by her gentle hands.
Somewhere in the distance, a clock tower tolled the hour. Miro again looked up to the roiling sky. The time he’s assured the tavern master wasn’t completely into stone, but neither he, nor the bar man had fully considered the weather’s fickleness. This simple oversight would be just the excuse the Chief Constable
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited June 25, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited June 25, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 25, 2008).]