Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Murder at the racetrack. Murder mystery. Fiction.

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Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

Murder at the racetrack.
By Beth Brownell
Currently at three chapters.
Word count of: 10,274
Incomplete
Feedback on the first 13 lines.
Can send the first chapter to you by e-mail, if you wish to read it, for feedback.

Here is the first thirteen lines of the story.

“You're watching All Sports All the time and welcome to Santa Tanita," the sports reporter said, "for The Grade One Rock and Roll Handicap for three year olds and above. The weather here in Southern California is fantastic and looks as if it is here to stay while conditions on the track are listed as fast." Turning to Bob, his co-host, "that ought to favor the speed horses on the card today."
“Indeed, Gary, the first race today . . . the speed horse in that race, Gottaflybynight won by three lengths at a good pace,” Bob stated. “I am really looking forward to The Grade One Rock and Roll handicap with Here for the Roses, if the gray colt from Winter Lad wins this race, he’ll tie with Siyannar’s Winter at sixteen wins in a row.”

Beth

[This message has been edited by BethBrownell (edited May 13, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 14, 2008).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

there is no story here in the first thirteen. Maybe you could start with a character who is listening to this, and why it's relevant? Are these guys the main characters?

Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

I know some murder mysteries start their books off with the murder, but when I did it for this story. It just didn't look right at all, thus the reason why I hated the start of the story.

The 'crime' doesn't happen till a few pages into the story. I did send this story to a friend who told me that she wanted to read the next chapter of the novel as she was very interested in what is going to happen next in the novel.

Beth

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

Your dialog is good and believable, though I would recommend using hyphens for clarity in the horse's name. Gotta-fly-by-night. Not sure if that's actually better, but I stumbled over the name at first when I saw it all smashed together. Not a huge deal, though.

Now, I'm not sure that this is a problem, but I don't really feel drawn into the story yet because I don't feel like anything special is going on. Granted it's only been a few lines, so that's probably okay. But what would keep me reading (at this point) is the title, which pretty much gives away that the story is about murder and not racing, otherwise I would probably not keep reading.

Hope that helps.

Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

The part you read is on public TV which means the reader themselves are there at the track watching everything happen first hand, and then we move swift to the main characters in the story.

Beth

Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

Zero, in horse racing especially the Thoroughbreds, you can have a long name or one that is pushed together. I chose to have his name pushed together so that's why his name is pushed together like that.

I'm doing this as realistically as possible for the story. And there is horse racing involved in this story as the 'crime' happens in the middle of a race to a jockey and the horse.

You get to see the back side of the barns and various stuff that happens in the barns as the investigator who is investigating this learns a lot more about the horse that fell in the race and parts of the racing business as well. All the while, trying to figure out if the horse and jockey were murdered by the jockeys around them or that there was another reason to their deaths.

Beth

[This message has been edited by BethBrownell (edited May 14, 2008).]

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

This story would not appeal to me only on the grounds that I don't care about horse racing. But I think a lot of readers would enjoy it. I think your title is a hook by itself, and if things start to happen quickly it could really reel somebody in. I, as a reader, would still stumble over the smooshed names and perhaps some of the jargon, so be sensitive to that, but those problems are minor. You can't tailor a suit to fit everybody, you know. Overall I'd say this is pretty good.

Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

Thank you, Zero.

I figured that the title would hook people into the story.

Beth

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

I think your title does a good job at what its designed to do. People who like detective fiction, suspense, and murder investigation will be pulled in. And hooked automatically. But the cost is the immediate loss of people who aren't into that sort of story. But no big loss there, it just means that people who are prone to like your story will be more likely to pick it up, and people who are prone to dislike will leave it on the shelves. That means a greater percentage of satisfied readers, woohoo!

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

I love stories about horses and have been slightly interested in racing in the past - and I like mysteries - but this one isn't working for me yet, sorry. I need some context first. Why should I care? I'd like to meet the characters, see the horses through a character's eyes, something to ground me in the setting.

The dialogue is good, but it seems out of place. With just the dialogue thrown at me at the start, I feel lost -- lots of proper nouns and somewhat technical jargon with no pause. I'd like it to be broken up by reactions from the listener, or facial expressions/gestures of the announcers, depending on who is the POV character.

EDIT: I just read it again and realized that Bob turned to his co-host -- you have the bare start of a setting and POV but I didn't even see it at first. Or is this on TV and the character is watching it?

Oh: you said "The part you read is on public TV which means the reader themselves are there at the track watching everything happen first hand, and then we move swift to the main characters in the story." No, that doesn't work for me. I need to see the TV screen through a character's eyes, filtered through his recations, in order to get pulled in. (At the track would be better.) Just my opinion.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 14, 2008).]

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Not much more to say that, if it wasn't a typo - Santa Tanita does not have a "T" - Santa Anita.

Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

I changed the name of the racetrack since I am in a sense showing it in a bad light from Santa Anita to Santa Tanita.

I might even go further and change it totally again to another name.

Beth

Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

I've rewritten the begining or more or less added more scene to the first part of the chapter.

Hopefully, this will be much better.

Beth

The stands of the racetrack were filled with several hundred spectators waiting for one sole race to come as it held the three year old Triple Gold Crown champion Here for the Roses for his record breaking race. There were reporters from all over the world standing at the rail or in the press box all talking about the great colt who soon would be stepping foot onto the track.
Some of the bettors were inside the building watching the broadcast that was being aired on TV right there. They couldn’t believe that they were standing at the track where the record would be broken finally after thirty years have gone by and they wagered high amounts of money of the strapping, gray three year old colt Here for the Roses.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

Try showing us people talking about it, showing their excitement, rather than bald description. Just a line or two would be enough. It needs some tension.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

I can picture the exciting setting that is in your head – this version is more appealing to me. Robert’s suggestion to sprinkle in some dialogue makes sense too.

Your sentences run too long, with no pauses, and they contain repetitive information. Let me suggest a leaner version (that still needs work):

Several hundred spectators filled the racetrack stands, waiting for the Triple Gold Crown champion Here for the Roses. Reporters from all over the world crowded at the rail or in the press box, talking about the strapping, gray three-year-old colt. Heads craned to see him step onto the track.

Some of the bettors watched the TV broadcast inside the building. They wagered high amounts of money on Here for the Roses.

I removed the bit about how the bettors “couldn’t believe” because I think it violates Point of View (POV) – how do we know what they are thinking if we are not “in” their heads? And how do they know, beforehand, that “the record would be broken finally”? What record? He already won the Triple Crown, right?

(And I'm no expert, just one person with an opinion)

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 15, 2008).]

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

The posts of MrsBrown and RobertB I think give some excellent advice. This fragment seems a description of a race event - the problem is that we are not really in it - a part of it - we are observers kept at a distance. You need a MC to be observing all of this. Why be so direct in telling us about the excitement, reporters, and the record attempt by the horse? You can imply much, if not all of it through dialogue and showing us - and letting the readers "discover" this for themselves. As an example:
"...they wagered high amounts of money of the strapping, gray three year old colt Here for the Roses." This is pretty direct. A way to show us, and at the same time convey this information
while giving us a stronger sense of presence might be something like:

"People crowded around the board, watching the odds change on the entrants. New numbers flashed by several times a minute for Here for the Roses. With each change the crowd gasped and grumbled. The payoff for bets on the colt was in freefall." This tells us huge amounts of money are being bet on the horse - but I really didn't tell you that - it is implied by the information given.

Get the senses involved. What does it smell like there? Faint odor of manure? grass? earth? hot dogs being sold? What does it feel like there? Temperature? Hot? Breezy? Sensory information will go a long way in establishing a strong scene.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 15, 2008).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

What nitewriter said. I suspect the problem is, you don't want to introduce your Main Character (MC) yet, but rather just want to show us the crime (when the horse and rider die).

So how about using a throw-away character? Don't go deeply into his background, why he's here, and so forth... just give us someone to see through his/her eyes, experience the setting and crime through some person's perspective. You need not ever come back to that character. Or it could be a minor character who pops up later, perhaps as a witness.

Orson Scot Card's "Character and Viewpoint" is a great book about POV, and when to go deep into someone's head versus when to stay shallow or whatnot. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to the approach for "idea" stories, which is what I think a mystery usually is.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 15, 2008).]

Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

I'm bringing in a fifty year old man who will be watching the race with his grandson and we will see part excitement of the track before we bring in the sports reporters and then we get to discuss the race and then see the race itself.

I may have the leading male talk with the man later on, but I'm not sure.

Beth

Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

If anyone really wants to read the whole chapter, I have updated it with new information and it is posted on a livejournal community: http://community.livejournal.com/writers_alcove/656.html#cutid1

So if you have a livejournal account, feel free to join the group and let me have it there as I may put the second chapter up there as well or by e-mail at breyerloverz@yahoo.com and ask for the first chapter of this story.

I am very up for any feedback on the story. I want to improve this story as in a way, it is my baby but I do love to make the story grow, too.

Beth

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Hi Beth, and welcome to Hatrack.

The others have offered some good advice already and I can only agree with it. The latest version is still too distant, and problems with run-on sentences and repetitions continue.

I have a feeling that writing fanfic, while it may be fun, isn't helping. Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of it, when you write fanfic you don't have to establish a world and its characters. Everyone knows Harry and Hogwarts so you can jump straight into the story. I suspect we've all wrestled with introductions to stories and written openings like this one, and learned there's an art to establishing the scene, the characters, the problem and so forth.

For example the latest version has the grandfather and his grandson. They don't have names, so we're distant from them. Their talk isn't authentic in places; they don't speak naturally. Not only does that pull us out of the story, we realise that the author is feeding us information.

I'd recommend doing what others do at Hatrack--learn by critiqueing the work of others. Also, if you have books on writing, perhaps focus on what we call "World building" in SF. If you don't have such books, OSC's "How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy" would be a grand start. Even if you abhor SF&F I'd still recommend trying, because if fanfic has not helped you to learn about scene-setting, SF&F is most likely to help quickly, for in SF&F this is a big, unique challenge.

Hope this helps,
Pat

Posted by BethBrownell (Member # 7981) on :

Hi Pat,

Thank you for your welcome, I read your post early this morning. I thought all day about what you said about the flatness of the discussion between the grandfather and the grandson. I think you were right as that scene did look flat to me after I looked at it again this morning. I worked on it this afternoon and updated my post on writers alcove to show the updated version of it.

I think it is now fleshed out a lot more then it was before.

I have four other original stories that I have yet to show off. One that I worked on for over 20 years to get it to the stage it is now at and it is professionally edited too and ready to be published when I finally get down and dirty in doing so.

Beth

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

I don't have access to your site, but even throw-away characters need to have shape and definition. They need to be developed enough so they aren't cardboard cutouts. (Or so says Card in Character and Viewpoint.)