Late in the afternoon, near the end of the summer fish season, the first of the great storms darkened the sky. Tristan had been below decks when the storm broke. At first, he thought that their tiny ship,Aloris had crossed paths with one of the new steam powered whalers from Kesmer. He raced topside for a better look, but instead of the steam column from a whaler, he saw skies suffocated by clouds the color of iron chains.
Tristan stumbled to the port side. Clinging to the rail for balance, he scanned the writhing sea. He blinked back the icy wind and rain. A gathering sense of dread pressed down on his chest. Tristan had seen this storm last night in a dream, and a terrifying notion prickled its way from his scalp to his toes; a feeling that this storm had come to take him.
[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited May 12, 2008).]
Does it grab me? Yes. I would certainly turn the page--but my own personal reaction as a reader is that there better be some dialogue soon. The prose is great and sets the mood, but I wouldn't necessarily read a whole book of it. (That's just my opinion; I realize there are some people who'll have the opposite reaction of "where'd that great prose go??")
Edit: On rereading, I realized that it was only the last sentence that made me feel this way. The rest is great; the last sentence is a bit thick.
Anything unclear? I can't tell what Tristan's position on the ship is--or, in fact, if there is anyone else on the ship. By the fact that he "stumbled" to the port side I'm guessing he doesn't spend the majority of his time on the water, but maybe it was just because there's a storm brewing. If so you could indicate that.
In regards to his ship crew position, maybe you could put "He raced topside past the first mate's cabin for a better look" or if he's captain "...past his first mate's cabin for a better look". Or "...past the uninhabited crew cabins". I'm sure you could write it better, but you get the idea.
Also I have no idea what age he is--although the image that came to mind is the Tristan in the movie "Stardust".
How is my impression of time/era now? Sounds like a fictional land, since I've never heard of Kesmar, but I'm no geography buff. I'd say the world we're in is at the start of the industrial revolution, or thereabouts. Steam powered whalers?
Do I get a clear picture of setting? On the ocean. Anything else I got should be clear from my responses above and below.
Couple nitpicks:
quote:
Late in the afternoon, near the end of the summer fish season [summer fishing season, maybe? This phrase took two reads to get; seems a bit awkward.], the first of the great storms darkened the sky. Tristan had been below decks when the storm broke. At first, he [had? Or change the "had been" in last sentence to "was". That would actually be better.] thought that their tiny ship [What kind of ship? Saying "tiny yacht" or "tiny sailboat" or "skiffer" would go a long way toward giving setting], Aloris[,] had crossed paths with one of the new steam powered [hyphenate] whalers from Kesmer. He raced topside for a better look, but instead of the [a?] steam column from a whaler, he saw skies suffocated by clouds the color of iron chains.Tristan stumbled [again, as the storm hasn't begun, this gives the impression that he is no seaman. Don't know if you meant that or not.] to the port side. Clinging to the rail for balance, he scanned the writhing sea[,] blink[ing] back the icy wind and rain. A gathering sense of dread pressed down on his chest. Tristan had seen this storm last night in a dream, and a terrifying notion [odd word choice; maybe "concept"] prickled its way from his scalp to his toes; a feeling that this storm had come to take him.
Incidentally, the correct usage of commas when they are used, like this, to include information that can be left out of a sentence is:
This is a sentence but the next part, this part here, can be left out.
You can see that the part between the commas could be omitted along with the commas and the sentence structure would still be correct. (I'm mentioning this because of the comma next to "Aloris"--you could have a comma before and after, or no commas, but not one.)
Feel free to ignore any or all advice. But I hope it was useful somehow anyways.
[This message has been edited by Dvorak (edited May 12, 2008).]
quote:
[Late in the afternoon, near the end of the summer fish season, the first of the great storms darkened the sky. Tristan had been below decks when the storm broke.<--[This violates PoV. What does he hear to make him think it's a steamer? I'll wait to find out that it's a storm until he does.] At first, he thought that their tiny ship,[Space, and I might interject the word: the]Aloris[,] had crossed paths with one of [the<--IMHO - those would be a word more in PoV.] new steam powered whalers from Kesmer. He raced topside for a better look, but instead [of the steam column from a whaler, he<--[This is redundant, IMHO cut it.] saw skies suffocated by clouds the color of iron chains. [Iron chains on the oceans/sea are rust-colored, very quickly. Maybe just iron.][Tristan stumbled to the port side. Clinging to the rail for balance, he scanned the writhing sea.<--[IMHO this feels like once sentence: Tristan stumbled to port side and clung to the wet rail as he scanned the writhing sea.] He blinked back the icy wind and rain.<--[I don't think you can blink back the wind, but you can certainly squint againmst it.] A gathering sense of dread pressed down on his chest.<--]Nice!] Tristan had [dreamed in lieu of seen] this storm last night [in a dream<--Then you can cut this.], and a terrifying notion prickled its way from his scalp to [his<--Cut this.] toes[.] This storm had come to take him.
The hook is solid.
I wouldn't worry about the name Tristan--unless it is wrong for the milieu--the name dates back a long time. (I like the name it derived from, Drystan, personally.) 
Movie-wise, before Stardust, Brad Pitt made it popular in Legends of the Fall and it was one of the Sarmatian Knights in King Arthur. A whole slew of women named their babies Tristan after Brad Pitt's character, and Dillan/Dylan during the 90210 fad--so, now it's a rather common name.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 12, 2008).]
I didn't like the mention of 'steam' in two consecutive sentences, and then I thought, "but you can't see steam--and it's not steam that comes out of their chimneys, it's smoke from the boilers." So how about referring to a column of smoke, not steam, from a whaler, adding another dark, oppresive image.
But overall I get a clear impression of what's going on, I think we're early in the steam age, and Tristan's anxiety about the storm is the hook.
Hope this helps,
Pat
I hope this helps.
One question: saying a storm broke, should that refer to it ending rather than beginning?
I might say the storm descended, or built, or swelled, or billowed, or something like that. For me a storm breaking sounds like a wave breaking, which is the end its journey, when it dissipates its energy.
P.S. an extra thanks to those who commented (on both versions) with a special knowledge of sailing. I have, I confess, only a "movie" knowledge of it. I mean, I've been on boats in my life . . . although I don't think a cruise ship counts.
Late in the afternoon, near the end of the summer fish season, the first of the great storms darkened the sky. Tristan had been below decks when the storm broke. [Perhaps this should be the first line. "Tristan had been below decks when the storm broke." Hooks me immediately. Also the name "Tristan" is a cool name] At first, he thought that their tiny ship, Aloris I think Aloris should be set aside with a comma on each side , Aloris,] had crossed paths with one of the new steam powered whalers from Kesmer. He raced topside for a better look, but instead of the steam column from a whaler, he saw skies suffocated by clouds the color of iron chains. [For some reason the color of iron chains line doesn't work for me. It feels overly dramatic, I can't take it seriously]
Tristan stumbled to the port side. Clinging to the rail for balance, he scanned the writhing sea. He blinked back the icy wind and rain. [I like this imagery] A gathering sense of dread pressed down on his chest. Tristan had seen this storm last night in a dream, and a terrifying notion prickled its way from his scalp to his toes; a feeling that this storm had come to take him. [Perhaps better is "he had seen this storm last night in a dream, and knew it had come for him.]
Good stuff. Yarrr.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited May 14, 2008).]
I took a break from writing to focus completely on school. It turned out that I did horrible. I think, looking back, that writing is somehow good therapy. It allows me to relax and provides some degree of balance.
Who'd have thought? Writing is actually good for you.
So now I'm back on the wagon. (Or off the wagon?) And ready to go!
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited May 15, 2008).]
I write YA too.
I'd read on.
However, I was left wondering how a big storm crept up on an 'experienced' fisherman without him knowing. Even below decks, surely he must have known.
Maybe it will be explained soon.