Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 - Untitled Fantasy Romance

This is topic First 13 - Untitled Fantasy Romance in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000370

Posted by aimeefitz (Member # 7969) on :

Hey. I have been working on this novel for, oh, a week.

I have a prologue and 2 chapters (it's about 4k words), but because I am not sure I'm going to keep the prologue (it's an origin piece), I'm going to put the first lines of the first chapter. This was actually written about a year ago as the opening to a short story that fizzled, but I liked the action so much I thought it would a good place to start out my hero in this new story.

I'm not a newbie to critique, although it's been a while. So please, hold nothing back. I realize my style is a little.. well you'll see. Thanks in advance. And if you want more, let me know.

*********

The whip caught Direyne on his shoulder. He stumbled, falling almost face first in the mud. The heavy pack upon his back, the sum of his worldly possessions, forced him to rise slowly.

The Mathoothian guard, called a Red Feather, her black hair tied into a knot at the back of her neck, shouted at him in her native tongue. Grunting, he struggled to stand and resume his place in the column of slaves.

Gray afternoon light threatened more rain. It was not quite summer and not quite fall; this place between Seasons frightened him. What frightened him more, though, was the place he was headed.

[This message has been edited by aimeefitz (edited May 06, 2008).]

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

Is this 13 lines? It seems too short.

Anyway, on what you do have, pretty good. I got a fairly decent picture of the setting. The hook could be a little stronger. One assumes that there would be few places that a slave would not be afraid to go to. I need a bit stronger of a hint as to why this one place is particularly frightening.

One nit: "the pack upon his back" read a little funny. And also, how could a pack force him to do anything?
And one last thing, I'd take out the "almost" and have him fall face first in the mud. Then he'd have to wipe his face, and struggle with the pack. Make it harder for him. Be mean.

Posted by aimeefitz (Member # 7969) on :

Thanks Wren - and thanks also for your post on my intro.

Interesting thoughts.

<i>One nit: "the pack upon his back" read a little funny. And also, how could a pack force him to do anything?</i>

Good point.

<i>And one last thing, I'd take out the "almost" and have him fall face first in the mud. Then he'd have to wipe his face, and struggle with the pack. Make it harder for him. Be mean.</i>

This made me laugh out loud. It made me feel almost, well, godlike...

[This message has been edited by aimeefitz (edited May 06, 2008).] - Okay, I can't get the HTML to work...

[This message has been edited by aimeefitz (edited May 06, 2008).]

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

It could be two lines longer.

Posted by aimeefitz (Member # 7969) on :

Here we go, adding in Wren's suggestions, and adding two more lines.

The whip caught Direyne on his shoulder. He stumbled, falling almost face first in the mud, landing on one knee. The weight of his pack, containing the sum of his worldly possessions, kept him off balance, making it awkward for him to rise.

The Manthoothian guard, called a Red Feather, her black hair tied into a knot at the back of her neck, shouted at him in her native tongue. Grunting, he struggled to stand and resume his place in the column of slaves.

Gray afternoon light threatened more rain. It was not quite summer and not quite fall; this place between Seasons frightened him. What frightened him more, though, was the place he was headed.

He had last seen his farmstead a mere month ago. It had seemed

[This message has been edited by aimeefitz (edited May 07, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 09, 2008).]

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

That is so weird. This time it was three lines too long.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

The trick with a really heavy pack is to sit down and put your arms through the straps. Do up the waistband. Then twist over so you're on all fours with the thing on your back. Then stand up. This is the hard bit; if you can stand, you can walk. Perhaps be a bit more descriptive about the guy standing up with it, but don't drag it out.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

"The whip caught Direyne on his shoulder." Mundane. Make us feel it. "The whip slashed into Direnye's shoulder."

"...falling almost face first in the mud." This would be stronger if he did fall face first in the mud.

"The weight of his pack, containing the sum of his worldly posessions, kept him off balance, making it hard for him to rise." This could be streamlined. As is it is too long and weighty - "He rose slowly under the weight of his packed worldly posessions on his back."

"Grey afternoon light threatened rain." Too pat. I think you miss a great chance here to involve the senses and give us a stronger sense of the scene. - "The cool air, pungent with the smell of rain, grew eerily silent. Birds no longer sang and none could be seen in flight. In the darkening stillness the only noise was that of rumbling thunder from black clouds that descended and threatened to engulf all in a torrent of rain."

"...this place between seasons frightened him." Why?

"He had last seen his farmstead a mere month ago. It had seemed..." - "He last saw his farmstead only a month ago. It (had - delete) seemed..."

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 12, 2008).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

The bit about being in a place between Seasons seems like it could be a speculative element, but I don't think you can mention it and drop it again without more explanation. I suggest leave it for later, and focus on the MC's current situation (and possibly his fear of where he's going -- why is he afraid?). IMHO, that is a sufficient hook, if done well.

"The Manthoothian guard, called a Red Feather, her black hair tied into a knot at the back of her neck, shouted at him in her native tongue."

This sentence is too slow and shifts the focus off your MC. I don't care what she's called (yet). You could tighten it to something like: "A guard shouted a foreign command, but he understood her fierce gaze." Well, I don't like that either, but you get the idea? If you want to describe her appearance, make it relevant to him -- her hair in a warrior's knot, a raised fist, etc.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 16, 2008).]

Posted by Dual_Nature (Member # 8001) on :

I wouldn't add too much more description--one of the things I really like about it is how concise and clear it is at the moment. I've heard a maxim something to the effect that the minimum description needed to give readers a good sense of the scene is all you should use. Because really, for any scene, there is so much more you could include, but is unnecessary. Hence, I like your "Gray skies threatened more rain" line.

I actually think I liked your first one better, especially about the pack part--"forcing him to rise slowly" is more powerful (I think) than "making it awkward for him to rise". (sorry, I'm a newbie to this site and still trying to figure out how things work)