)Elyria allowed herself a shudder, then forced her attention back on the manuscript she studied by the light of the oil lamp. She was titled the Keeper of the Were, but she had little control over the actions of her brothers, her cousins, her unholy family. She 'kept' the Were in the sense that a serving maid might 'keep' the table. It was her job to ensure that the needs of the supernaturals were met; that their encroachments on the humans in their territories were kept to a minimum; that the Holy Accord was honored.
Her back was growing stiff from prolonged confinement to the
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited April 20, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 22, 2008).]
quote:
The moon shone bright (1) on the keep; in the hall, a heavy tread, the scrape of claw on the wide plank floor. The tang of fresh blood that bloomed suddenly in the night air.Elyria allowed herself a shudder, then forced her attention back on the manuscript she studied by the light of the oil lamp. She was titled the Keeper of the Were, but she had little control over the actions of her brothers, her cousins, her unholy family. She 'kept' the Were in the sense that a serving maid might 'keep' the table. It was her job to ensure that the needs of the supernaturals were met; that their encroachments on the humans in their territories were kept to a minimum; that the Holy Accord was honored.
Her back was growing stiff from prolonged confinement to the wooden chair in which she sat. On a night such as this, she took what comfort
Only one number this time around, and over a technical issue?
1. Shone is an action the moon is performing, so bright would require an -ly, since it is an adverb. I don't know if this is a hard and fast rule, however.
The only other comment I can make at this point is that the first paragraph exists almost as a spectral entity, floating up above the main body of the story. Who is seeing these things? Are they important details? They're certainly vivid details. I'm getting the sense that Elyria is seeing these images in her mind, or reading these words on a page, but I'm still at a loss a little bit.
Still, that's a minor issue. Very solid, as I've come to expect from Deb.
Jayson Merryfield
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quote:
Elyria allowed herself a shudder, then forced her attention back on the manuscript she studied by the light of the oil lamp. She was titled the Keeper of the Were, but she had little control over the actions of her brothers, her cousins, her unholy family.
At first I thought the description 'She was titled Keeper of the Were' was being applied to the manuscript, which really threw me for a loop.
I was sitting at the computer last night, and the full moon was shining in the window. I got the idea for a family, one side evil, the other . . . not good, exactly, but fanatically saintlike, locked together in an endless struggle through time. Dark ages Austrian nobles, perhaps. Descendants of Esau, cursed by God. The Keepers are Jewish Mystics who view Christ as the avenging Messiah of Kabalistic prophecy.
And so on. That's as far as I've gotten so far, but Elyria wears a lot of silver, and she's into self-mortification to keep herself pure.
quote:
Elyria allowed herself a shudder, then forced her attention back on the manuscript she studied by the light of the oil lamp.
I would say "back to" rather than "back on", but thats just me.
The rest sounded good to me, pretty smooth. The concept is very interesting.
“the scrape of a claw” ?
I’m not sure that a tang would “bloom”.
“then forced her attention back onto the manuscript” ?
“She was entitled...” ? “She was called... “?
“that their encroachments on the humans and their territories ...” ? (Or, delete “in their territories”?)
“Her back was growing stiff from sitting in her wooden chair for too long...” ? (Confinement sounds involuntary to me, and I’m guessing she’s not been forced to sit in it.)
I don’t know what a “were” is. It doesn’t need to be explained in the first 13 but I’m assuming I’ll either find out before too long or be given enough to keep me reading until I do find out.
I won’t offer to crit it yet, Deb, I’m still working on “Rods”--happily, I might add.
Hope this helps,
Pat
quote:
Shone is an action the moon is performing, so bright would require an -ly, since it is an adverb. I don't know if this is a hard and fast rule, however.
You are absolutely 100% technically correct. But much like you shouldn't start a sentence with 'but' (hehehe), it is the sound and the meaning that are important. I find that when a grammatical error is truely objectionable, I experience a little jarring as the sentence is derailed and I am forced to think about what the author intended. That doesn't happen for me with shone bright, I understand immediately what is happening, what's more 'shone bright', while technically wrong, sounds pretty good. I actually think it sounds better then 'shone brightly'.
The important thing here is that it caught my attention and focused me on the writing rather than the story itself. Do with that tidbit of information what you will.
Jayson Merryfield
Incidently, I wonder if reading stories in the interest of criticizing them changes our preception of them. Something to ponder.
Edit: I also hope my gramatical error didn't make this clarification seem like I wasn't actually semi-apologizing.
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Jayson Merryfield
I like the tone and pace of it, especially the opening paragraph. I think, though, that the verb in the first clause invites verbs in the others; otherwise, the grammar become distracting. So you could remove the verb or add more. (Or not.)
The moon shone brightly on the keep; in the hall, a heavy tread, the scrape of claw scrabbled on the wide plank floor. The tang of fresh blood bloomed suddenly in the night air.
The moonlight, bright on the keep; in the hall, a heavy tread, the scrape of claw on the wide plank floor. The tang of fresh blood that bloomed suddenly in the night air.
[add] <del>
She was <titled the >Keeper of the Were, but she had little control over <the actions of >her brothers, her cousins, her unholy family. She 'kept' the Were <in the sense that>[as] a serving maid might 'keep' the table. [She ensured]<It was her job to ensure> that the needs of the supernaturals were met; that their encroachments on the humans in their territories were kept to a minimum; that the Holy Accord was honored. [I wasn't certain if "their" referred to the superdudes or the humans; ie, whose territory is it?]
Her back <was growing>[grew] stiff from prolonged confinement to the
quote:
I am leery of crits that take the flavor out of a writer's work.
Hmm. Sounds like my cue. (Besides, werewolves are a personal thing for me. )
My take:
quote:
The moon shone bright on the keep[. I]n the hall, a heavy tread [Sounded? Thumped?], [a claw scraped] on the wide plank floor. [A] tang of fresh blood [Deleted] bloomed suddenly in the night air.<--[Nice!]
Elyria allowed herself a shudder [and] forced her attention back [to] the manuscript she studied by [lamp]light [Deleted]. [Her title] was [deleted] Keeper of the [Were<--[Without an attachment, this could read like you 'were' trying something else.], but she had little control over the actions of [Deleted] her unholy family. She 'kept' the Were [as] a serving maid might 'keep' the table.<--[Nice. If only that "'were' beast/'were' attacked" problem didn't exist.] It was her job to ensure that the[ir] needs [Deleted] were met; that the[y suffered some] humans in their territories [and] that the Holy Accord was honored.Her back [grew] stiff from prolonged confinement to the
How'd I do? (You know we love ya, Deb, right?) LOL
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And, Wouldbe, my favorite partner in crime! If I had a payroll, you'd have to be on it.
Thanks for the input, which is awesome as per usual. Getting the start right makes everything go better, all the way through.
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After that, I'll get to it. (But, you can send them at any time.)
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At open doors, dogs come in - Scottish Proverb
The moon shone bright on the keep; in the hall, a heavy tread, the scrabbling of claws on the wide plank floor. The tang of fresh blood that bloomed suddenly in the night air.
Elyria allowed herself a shudder, then forced her attention back to the manuscript she and Collen studied by lamp light. He knew how much she hated the nights of the full moon, and often joined her vigil at those times, bringing books and herbs for tea, and best of all, his company.
Elyria was the Keeper of the Were, but these nights reminded her she had little control over her unholy family. She 'kept' the Were, she thought cynically, in the sense that a serving maid might 'keep' the drawing room. Clean up the messes, sweep aside the debris, make sure the etiquette of horror was
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited May 17, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 17, 2008).]
Keeper of the Were
(I'm aware of what Weres are, but I was unaware which kind of Weres, they were; Werewolfs? Werecats? Werebears?)(It was also possible that the 'Were' there, could refer to a formal name for the Werekeep -- a 'Werehouse',as it were.) 
Since werewolf stories are more common-- I used that as my default.
The moon shone bright on the keep; (the moonlight reinforced the were-wolf connection for me)(the p.o.v. appears omniscient at this point-- I'm in the sky outside, looking down on a moonlit keep.) in the hall, (o.k., now I'm suddenly inside, in 'the' hall.)(Still in omniscient p.o.v., apparently) (What hall is this exactly?... Where? Or should I say, "Were the hall is it?"(Words are punny things, aren't they.) a heavy tread, (O.k., this probably isn't a Good Year tire in the hall)(I assume something/or someone is treading heavily along it-- my default assumption here again is a lycanthrope.) the scrabbling of claws on the wide plank floor. (I love scrabble.--word games are fun)(actually, at this point, I thought our wolfy friend was going 'Were' from the moonlight falling on him. "The heavy tread" was him stumbling during his morph phaze, and the "scrabbling ... claws" are from his falling on the floor in full-on wolfy mode.) The tang of fresh blood that bloomed suddenly in the night air. (O.k., I'm in 'the' hall, then I'm suddenly teleported outside)( Or maybe wolfy is still indoors and just senses blood spilled outside with his supersniffer nose?)(Tang=taste. A taste sensed in the air-- smelled?-- synesthesia? Is there a Weresnake there too?) I'm sorry debhoag, It's just not at all clear to me what's going on here.
Elyria allowed herself a shudder, (What's she shuddering at? Was the paragraph above supposedly in her p.o.v.? Sorry, I just can't buy it. She's not a Were. How could she detect the blood outside? Elyria-- It sounds like a pretty name, but it froze my reading there (sounding it out and trying to memorize it, for a good (bad?) couple of moments.)(some of that delay might be from me still smarting from my memory goof earlier today, where I confused your name with Djvdakota's. Ouch.)(If the sentence were shorter, for example; Elyria shuddered, then it could be absorbed quicker) Can a person allow themselve to shudder? (This question also stopped me for a short time) I always considered shuddering to be a sudden autonomic type response-- like blinking. If she wasn't consciously expecting it, I doubt she could prevent it. (maybe you could have her shudder, then curse herself silently for her loss of control,or something?) then forced her attention back to the manuscript she and Collen studied by lamp light. He knew how much she hated the nights of the full moon, and often joined her vigil at those times, bringing books and herbs for tea, and best of all, his company. (It sounds here like the manuscript is really just a distraction for her from the full moon and its consequences.(both lycanthropic and romantic?) It also sounds like she would rather be studying Collen, than with him... If so, how about this revision; "She shuddered... then Cursed herself silently for her lack of control. When she turned back torwards Collen, She gave him a smile, and then tried to focuss back onto the manuscript they both were studying by lamplight.(O.k., when I reread my revision I saw that Collen could be interpreted as the cause of her shuddering. I don't know... maybe that's a good thing? depending on where you want this to go.)
Elyria was the Keeper of the Were, but these nights reminded her she had little control over her unholy family. (this phrasing doesn't sound right.(to me) This does; Elyria was the keeper of the Were. But these nights reminded her how little control she truly had over her unholy family. She 'kept' the Were, she thought cynically, in the sense that a serving maid might 'keep' the drawing room. Clean up the messes, sweep aside the debris, make sure the etiquette of horror was Like some other critiquers in earlier posts, I prefer 'as' over 'in the sense that'. I also like 'a table' over 'the drawing room'. (simply because I had some trouble visualizing the latter)
Debhoag,
I do have a tendency to overanalyze things, but I don't thing that an uncertain p.o.v. is a minor thing. You had some good imagery and prose, but they just didn't add up to a coherent picture(for me). Maybe if you started out with Elyria's p.o.v.,with the moonlight coming in through a window (like in your inspiration).
For example;
No Were to hide (genre: horror/romance)
The clouds parted. And the moon shone bright through the bay window above them. At first Elyria was glad for the added light. It made reading the manuscript that much easier. Then the howling started. Both Collen and her heard the heavy footsteps in the great hall outside her study turn into the scraping of claws on wood. She shuddered... and cursed herself silently for her moment of weakness, then turned back to Collen and calmly smiled. He smiled back. He held her eyes with his and she felt herself shuddering again. Later... much later, she decided that shuddering wasn't really such a bad thing. And that weaknesses shared could be a strength.
Sorry, I got a little carried away there. It's after 2 in the morning here, and this sort of morphed into a different sort of wolf story. Well, goodnight and goodluck. (Who used to say that?... some anchorman.)
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[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 19, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 19, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 19, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 19, 2008).]
I was confused throughout, though, about what was happening where. I thought the Were were outside because the moonlight was, but then their feet were scrabbling on a plank floor. I thought Elyria must be in the same room as they were, because no separate location was described for her, but then I wondered, if she was so scared, was she in physical danger from the Were? Collen's presence seems more to allay general dread than to slice up any ravening wolves (or bears, or whatever - I'm not bothered by not knowing what the Were are yet) that get too close. Also, are they dripping fresh blood all over the planked floor?
Anyway, if you need more readers, I can take a look at the chapter.
My only criticism is more of a personal preference. I like the intro sentence, but I'm scrambling to get interested off the first sentence- which is ok. The second part that starts with [Elyria allowed herself....]- that part got me. The whole paragraph has be hooked. I'd recommend starting with that.
... and to that point, I like the unpolished version better than the "polished version"...