quote:
We attended Joe’s funeral on a Saturday. He died about three weeks before we buried the time capsule and twenty-five days to the hour before that dog bit me in the ass. (1)
That dog was Beaufort, the big German Shepherd that lived down the street. He was the archetypical attack dog they had in mind when they sat down at a little round table and coined the breed. (2) We want a dog that can do this, do that (3), chew through barbed wire, and rip the heads off little babies. (4) German Shepherds incite fear. My sister used to have one up in Pittsburgh. The poor thing was abandoned as a pup, skinny to the bone and would crouch into a corner, whining and pissing if you so much as looked at her cross-eyed. Still, all the good city people of Pittsburgh would shuffle to the other side of the street every morning when my sister walked that dog.
1. This whole paragraph seems a little disjointed to me. You very rapidly introduce us to three separate things, and then just as rapidly brush off two of them. Who is Joe and why is his funeral so important that it warrants mention in the very first line? If it's so important then why the long discussion of dogs? Same goes for the time capsule. Also, you're kind of specific on a few points in time, but I'm not getting any good sense of where we are currently. I assume your POV is currently after Joe's funeral, but how far after? Does the timeline go Joe Dies > Funeral > Buried time capsule > Dog bit her ass? I'm still not getting the relevance of all of these things. Perhaps exercising a little focus in this opening section would help. What story are you trying to tell? What are the important parts? Prose for the sake of prose only inflates wordcount, and doesn't increase readability.
2. I get what your saying here, but it sounds a little indefinite, like we the readers are supposed to know who they are. This is more a taste thing for me, though, and I'll wait to see what others think.
3. Again, this is pretty indefinite. What is this, what is that? I think the people who designed an attack dog would have more specific intentions with their design beyond metal chewing ability and baby head rending ability. You need to be more specific, even though you're using a much more informal tone of voice.
4. And now, that baby-head-ripping thing. I don't know anyone who would buy a dog with a built in child-rendering capability. I get that you were going for hyperbole here, but baby-killing? A bit of an overreach. Also, the next line is a little redundant: once we've reached for baby-killing, fear is kind of implied.
All in all, good. Your writing is technically solid, but not terribly impressive or persuasive. As for the story idea.... well, I might have been hooked if there was something here beyond a description of a vicious dog. As it stands right now, there are a few disjointed ideas here, none of which really draw me into the book or make me care one iota. Who is your main character? I get the feeling it's a female MC, but I can't even confirm that much. Who is Joe, and why do I care about him? Why do I care that Beaufort bit her in the ass?
Maybe she deserved it, for telling rambling stories and being indefinite. I dunno. Nor do I particularly care, which I think would be the point of the first 13.
If I was an editor, I'd pass. Good work though - keep writing! These problems aren't insurmountable.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited April 11, 2008).]
Hmm, I agree it's not a whiz-bang, hook and grab introduction, but it's not meant to be. On the other hand, it's not milk on toast--we have baby-ripping going on, here. I guess it's synonymous to opening with setting, also directly unexciting, except I'm opening with an idea--fear and how we exaggerate fear.
A detailed timeline is a bit much for thirteen lines. I'm introducting the time capsule, the dog, and Joe and setting up questions to be answered later. You're asking some of them, so I suppose the first few lines were semi-successful. You're not the least bit wanting to satisfy the curiosity sparked by these "unimpressive" questions and flip the page? That's the hook.
Sincerely,
Urodela1
While I won't speak for Wolfe_boy, I don't believe he meant it to be offensive. Infact generally speaking we are happy to see your first 13, it shows great interest, and we like that. With that said I will back up what he said, critquing is the best way to improve ones own writing. I have only been here for one month and the second I started reading other peoples work and offering my opinions my writing greatly improved.
With that said, welcome to Hatrack again, and I will return shortly to offer my thoughts on your piece.
quote:
We attended Joe’s funeral on a Saturday. He died about three weeks before we buried the time capsule and twenty-five days to the hour before that dog bit me in the ass.
Loved this, dog biting in the ass had me going. The timeline, three weeks and 25 days threw me for a loop. I still don't know what happened first. While I was good at math, I was terrible at those word problems though, and it reminded me of that. But I was hooked with the dog biting the ass so I still would have read more.
As far as the rest of the 13, I read the writing as the MC who I don't know at this point, but believe is a girl, would probally talk alot and had rambling thoughts, versus direct answers. If that was the case, you did a great job of letting me know her.
The problem I have is, I don't have any idea where the story is going from this 13, and I don't yet sympathize with the MC.
I hope this helps, and welcome again to Hatrack.
Edited: had threw written as through. I am sure there are more errors in my post.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited April 11, 2008).]
quote:
A detailed timeline is a bit much for thirteen lines. I'm introducing the time capsule, the dog, and Joe and setting up questions to be answered later. You're asking some of them, so I suppose the first few lines were semi-successful. You're not the least bit wanting to satisfy the curiosity sparked by these "unimpressive" questions and flip the page? That's the hook.
We're not asking for a detailed timeline. We're telling you that, as readers, we assume the order of these events are important because you give such exact times for them. I stopped and tried to figure out what came when and where we are exactly in that timeline...and couldn't quite figure it out. The sentences left me feeling lost and confused instead of grounded in what is going on and curious as to what happens next.
There are several things you don't want to do in your first thirteen. One is that you don't want your reader to have to stop to figure out something you said. Another is you don't want to leave your reader confused.
It's alright to leave your reader with questions like "I wonder if the dog saves the girl's life somehow." We read on to find out the answer to questions like that. However, it's not good to leave your readers confused. Perhaps you're giving us too much information too soon. As it is, the information feels like throw-away information. It feels like you could drop those sentences and work their information is to where it's needed to understand what's going on since they don't seem relevant at the moment. The first two sentences would work, though, if you immediately told us how these events were all connected.
Hope this helps.
Here's My take:
quote:
We[Who] attended Joe’s[Joe who?] funeral on a Saturday. He died about three weeks before we buried the time capsule[,] and twenty-five days [to the hour<--[If this is really important, emphasize it.] before [that dog<--Beaufort, the German Shepherd should be introduced here.] bit me in the ass.<--[ Cute, but what does this have to do with Joe, his funeral, or the time capsul?]That dog was Beaufort, the big German Shepherd that lived down the street.[Why do I care?] [He was the archetypical attack dog they had in mind when they sat down at a little round table and coined the breed.<--[Disjointed, info-dumpy, and I'm not sure if it's even all that accurate. Can you "coin" a breed?] We want a dog that [can do this, do that,<--[Vague and info-dumpish] chew through barbed wire, and rip the heads off little babies<--[Is this relevant to the story? This sounds like you're describing something most people know. That's a turnoff.]. German Shepherds incite fear. My sister used to have one up in Pittsburgh. The poor thing was abandoned as a pup, skinny to the bone and would crouch into a corner, whining and pissing if you so much as looked at her cross-eyed. Still, all the good city people of Pittsburgh would shuffle to the other side of the street every morning when my sister walked that dog. [Still infodumpy, and I have nobody to apply any of the other details to.]
1) What genre is this?
2) Is it the dog bite or the funeral that's important here? Or the time capsul? I feel cheated--like you pulled a bait & switch. You got me interested with a funeral, time capsul, and a dog bite, and then you went into German Shepherds. Why mention the funeral if it's not important? Why switch subjects if it is?
3) I don't care about the narrator's sister, theories (or information) about German Shepherds, or turning the page before I know who the PoV is. I'm not sure if it's a man or woman, or how he or she feels about anything--except a slight fear of German Shepherds.
Not enough to make me read on.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 11, 2008).]
As implied by the name, the German Shepherd originated as a herding dog. Only later, when the versatility of the dog was realized, was it used as a seeing eye dog, companion and guard dog. This may seem like a small detail, but if you published this story, you would be amazed at the amount of mail you would get pointing this out.
If you go to France, you'll find they aren't called "German Shepherds" there. They call them Alsatians, because that's the region (Alsace--which is in France right now, though Germany has controlled it a few times, too, over the centuries) they come from.