See you 'round, chicky!
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 10, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 14, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 24, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 24, 2008).]
quote:
“No.” Marianne said, her inward breath sounded ragged. I’ll deal with him alone; the less involved the better.
not sure what the "less involved the better" refers to. Is it like the fewer people involved?
I imagine the scene is more clear as you read on, but it's hard to understand exactly whats going on here.
Well, let's see....
The main thing I see here is that I'm not aware of character. Maybe I need more from her?
Beginning with dialigue is difficult. You can't get emotions or mood across as easily unless what's being spoken is really important or something else is going on--which I don't see here. I'm not able to glean from these lines what they're talking about--other than the visiting parents.
Hope this helps! See you 'round, chicky!
Okay.
So what you are saying is that I need to show more of what emotions she's experiencing, eh?
quote:
The old wall clock creaked and wheezed before striking the quarter hour, the sound echoing through the vestibule of the Ladies Seminary. (1)
"Go on ahead, Rachel.” Marianne said, pushing open the stairwell door to let the tiny first year student through. “Visiting hours are almost over.”(2)
“Should I tell Mr. Beckwith that you’re coming? He’s waiting for you in the senior lounge.”
“No.” Marianne said, her inward breath sounded ragged. I’ll deal with him alone; the less involved the better.(3) She coughed, trying to clear her throat. “Your parents have less than fifteen minutes if they want an early start to their journey home.
"It’s okay Miss Fancher. New Moon was yesterday, and everything’s right as rain today.(4)
1. I can't imagine a clock creaking and wheezing, to be honest. I like the use of sensory images to draw us into the room, but I would focus more on the room and less on the clock. Is the room bare wooden walls and a rough-hewn floor, or is there an elegant hand woven carpet underfoot? Is there a light fixture overhead, glittering with jewels, or just candles in a simple holder three quarters of the way up the wall. The description of the room will do more to add atmosphere than a more complex description of the sound the clock made.
2. I'm getting a mixed impression from this line. At first, it sounds like Rachel is being shooed back into the Seminary, but then the dialogue tells me it's the opposite and she's leaving the cloistered area for a public meeting area. This is more a wording issue than anything, but it made me pause for a moment and consider exactly what's being said.
3. This is another wording issue. I assume she's speaking to herself, via internal monologue. There should be a better way to identify this, since as it stands a reader could infer that you simply missed a set of quotation marks. Maybe a change to Better to deal with him alone, leave these young ones out of it. Of course, this also has the problem of excluding the reader from information that your POV character knows, specifically why she doesn't want him involved with the others. I'm not saying it needs to be brought up immediatly, but it probably should be answered before too long.
4. This line doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It feels like you're mixing colloquialisms to try and find a folksy way of speaking. I'm also not sure how what stage the moon is in will affect Rachel's parents' travel plans, unless they're travelling to the moon and don't mind landing in darkness.
All that being said, I'd probably read on. Good job.
Jayson Merryfield
The gas lamps glow reflected off the polished walnut paneling of the Amaranth City’s Ladies’ Seminary. Jane Woodson stopped just short of entering the vestibule from the main stairway as the old wall clock struck the quarter hour.
Less than fifteen minutes remained to talk to Michael--to get him to see reason. Sweet little Rachel, pleased with having completed her mission to fetch her down from the senior class floors, tugged at her hand.
"Mr. Beckwith is waiting for you in the guest parlor, but didn’t he know visiting hours are almost over?”
He did know, Jane thought, how could he not? She patted her the snug bun resting at the nape of her neck, tucking a few stray hairs tickling her face behind her ears. The short list of Michael’s positive attributesmay not include many things, but it most certainly included cleverness.
Edited to add paragraph breaks. For some reason, my formatting, (Courier 12pt, MS word for Apple,) wants to lump this all together into one big block.
Apologies to KDW in advance, but this seems to be my best fix.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 14, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 14, 2008).]
Less than fifteen minutes remained to talk to Michael--to get him to see reason. Sweet little Rachel, pleased with having completed her mission to fetch her down from the senior class floors, tugged at her hand.
"Mr. Beckwith is waiting for you in the guest parlor, but didn’t he know visiting hours are almost over?”
To:
Less than fifteen minutes remained to talk to Michael--to get him to see reason.
Sweet little Rachel, pleased with having completed her mission to fetch her down from the senior class floors, tugged at her hand. "Mr. Beckwith is waiting for you in the guest parlor, but didn’t he know visiting hours are almost over?”
I was confused about who was speaking until I read it a couple more times.
About your comment on formatting. If you will open Notepad (if you have a Windows PC) and paste your text in there, it will strip the formatting. Copy and paste it here. It will be better behaved. At least, that's my experience.
Good luck,
Joe
This seems very solid to me, aside from the formatting issues, and whats already been mentioned about the speaker-confusion. I'm not really hitting any other snags myself.
Suggest: The gas lamps' glow (plural possessive), unless there is one gas lamp: The gas lamp's glow...
Suggest: the Amaranth City Ladies’ Seminary
OR: [cut "the"] Amaranth City’s Ladies’ Seminary
Suggest: comma after stairway, it kinda long.
Suggest: tucking a few stray hairs [cut: tickling her face] behind her ears
The rich walnut paneling of Amaranth City’s Ladies Seminary reflected the gas lamps glow like a shadowed mirror. Jane Woodson paused in the stairway’s vestibule just as the old wall clock struck the quarter hour.
For the past month she’d left letters at his office across the campus at the Men’s College to no avail. Now, at the end of Visiting Sunday, she had less than fifteen minutes to talk to Michael--to get him to see reason. She didn’t have the luxury to succumb to fear.
Sweet little Rachel, pleased with having completed her mission to fetch her down from the senior class floors, tugged at her hand. “Mr. Beckwith is waiting for you in the guest parlor, but didn’t he know visiting hours are almost over?”
He does know, Jane thought, how could he not?
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 24, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 24, 2008).]