quote:
Aeron Moore took great pride in his name. Not Moore, he’d met at least three other Moore’s, but no Aeron’s. Oh sure, he’d met Aaron’s and Erin’s and even an Aron, but they were way different. He was unique.
Other than his name, Aeron was forced to admit that he was distressingly ordinary. Dirty blond hair and blue eyes weren’t exactly rare in Canada, so he couldn’t boast about his appearance they way Clyde the kid with one brown eye and one grey did.
Aeron was also different in that he didn’t have a father, at least one that he’d met. But that wasn’t the type of thing you could tell strangers. Especially since Aeron had the distressing feeling that it was his fault he’d left.
Edit: If this feels more like the beginning to a novel then a short story, it's because I posted it in the wrong forum. Oops!
[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited April 03, 2008).]
"Not Moore, he’d met at least three other Moore’s, but no Aeron’s." Try to avoid apostrophes in plural nouns unless they're possessives. I do this by accident all the time, so it's easy to see when someone else does it
The above phrase also seems like it's trying to be parallel and failing. Try changing it to "Not Moore, he'd met at least three other Moores, but Aeron. He'd never met another Aeron." There's probably a better way to set off "Not Moore" from the rest of the sentence, but it's escaping me now.
"Dirty blond hair and blue eyes weren’t exactly rare in Canada, so he couldn’t boast about his appearance they way Clyde the kid with one brown eye and one grey did." The part after "the way" feels awkward. Maybe you could change it to read "Dirty blond hair and blue eyes weren't exactly rare in Canada, so he coudldn't boast about his appearance the way Clyde boasted about having one brown eye and one grey one."
I get confused about the pronouns in this next part: "Especially since Aeron had the distressing feeling that it was his fault he’d left." Either change "Aeron" to "he" and "he'd" to "his father had" or change "he'd" to "his father." This could be just me, though.
I didn't quite get the speculative element when reading this. Is there a way to put it in there without disturbing the flow?
Otherwise it sounded good to me, especially the first line.
[This message has been edited by Oblomova (edited April 03, 2008).]
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Oh sure, he’d met Aaron’s and Erin’s and even an Aron, <b>but they were way different<.b>. He was unique.
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The words "they where way different" should be changed. There are much better ways of saying that.
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Other than his name, Aeron was forced to admit that he was distressingly ordinary. Dirty blond hair and blue eyes weren’t exactly rare in Canada, so <b>he couldn’t boast about his appearance they way Clyde the kid with one brown eye and one grey did. <b>
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I'm not sure the word "boast" works best here, and that last sentence is clumbsy. Also I am led to question why someone with two different coloured eyes would be boasting about that. I find it kind of humorous. Maybe you could write something to the effect/affect (can never remember which is which) of
"Other than his name, Aeron was forced to admit that he was distressingly ordinary. Dirty blond hair and blue eyes weren’t exactly rare in Canada, so he couldn't even say he <u>looked</u> unique, at least not like that Clyde Kid. Who brags about having different coloured eyes anyway? Dogs have different coloured eyes.
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Aeron was also different in that he didn’t have a father, at least one that he’d met. But that wasn’t the type of thing you could tell strangers. Especially since Aeron had the distressing feeling that it was <b>his fault he’d left. </b>
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A very awkward pronoun attribution. The story suggests that "his" refers to Aeron and "he" Aeron's father, but the syntax leaves this ambiguous. You could change it to "his fault that his father had left"
Perhaps it could be written something like this.
Aeron Moore took great pride in his name. Oh sure, he’d met Aaron’s and Erin’s and even an Aron, but he was the only Aeron that he knew of. As far as he knew, his name was unique.
Other than his name, Aeron was forced to admit that he was distressingly ordinary. Dirty blond hair and blue eyes weren’t exactly rare in Canada, so he couldn't even say he <u>looked</u> unique, at least not like that Clyde Kid. Who brags about having different coloured eyes anyway? Dogs have different coloured eyes.
Aeron was also different in that he didn’t have a father, at least, not one that he’d met. But that wasn’t the type of thing you could tell strangers. Especially since Aeron had the distressing feeling that it was his fault that his father had left.
Also, the story lacks hook to me. Is there something special about this name? Does it have some sort of significance? What is the story about?
The last sentence alludes to some kind of tension, something wrong. That may be a better place to pull me in, to care about this boy right from the start. Do “strangers” play into the story?
I took a stab at paring it down. Here is a possible first paragraph: “Aeron Moore took great pride in his unique name. Sure, he’d met Aaron’s and Erin’s and even an Aron, but they were way different.”
Is the next paragraph a devise to tell us what he looks like? I don’t think you need it. Maybe skip the 2nd paragraph, and keep going with feelings of alienation.
I suspect that the phrase “they were way different” is meant to be kidspeak, I get that. I can also see a boy thinking its way cool to have different colored eyes. I suggest saving that idea for later.
You used “distress” twice.
Keep at it, but if you’re new its probably more important to keep putting you story on paper than worrying about getting the words just right in a first draft.
ADDED: I like the idea suggested by ChimpWithPencil [next].
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 04, 2008).]
I learned this kid has a cool name, lives in Canada, and his dad isn't around. Sounds normal. Aeron worries about his appearance, which makes him like most kids his age, and that felt authentic to me. And I like his quirky sort of introspection about himself and the kid with two different color eyes.
Would you consider keeping this scene intact, but holding it for later in the story? Maybe save it for a quiet moment when Aeron can indulge in some introspection?
He sounds like an interesting kid, but you may consider starting the story by showing the reader what the problem is. I think you hinted at it with the part about his father. What task or obstacle does Aeron face? You have a cool character, so I'm curious what challenges he's facing.
This is just my opinion and I hope it helps.
Send me some chapters if you'd like me to read them.