WaBoh opened his eyes and found himself lying on a cold stone floor, staring at a massive stone fireplace blazing with blue flames. There was no warmth coming from it. It seemed to be permeating a chill not heat. How odd, WaBoh thought. What kind of fire could chill a room? He stood up to see what other oddities would be found in this cold sterile stone room. As he began to pan to his right he saw a towering hunched figure, with its back turned to him, looming over a large woodblock table. WaBoh froze stiff. The figure did not move. The liquid black cloak, the figure wore, was so placid you could not tell if it was even breathing. Where am I? WaBoh thought. This must be a dream, but...the cold...this room...it feels so...real. His attention focused back on the towering figure, and who the hell is...,

[This message has been edited by jayh (edited February 05, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by jayh (edited February 05, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by jayh (edited February 05, 2008).]
 

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WaBoh This interesting name caught my attention, I like it. However, can it do without the capital B? opened his eyes and found himself lying on a cold stone floor, Suggest to end the sentence here and start the next with he stared at... a massive stone fireplace blazing with blue flames. There was no warmth coming from it. It seemed to be permeating a chill not heat. Take out not heat, as it's redundant How odd, WaBoh thought. What kind of fire could chill a room? He stood up to see what other oddities would be found in this cold, sterile stone room. As he began to pan to his right he saw a towering hunched figure, with take out with as it isn't needed its back turned to him, looming over a large woodblock table. WaBoh froze stiff. The figure did not move. The liquid black cloak, Huh? What is a liquid black cloak? Also, take out the comma the figure wore, Take out the comma was so placid you could not tell if it consider replacing it with he was even breathing. Where am I? WaBoh thought. This must be a dream, but... take out the dots here and instead put a comma the cold...Replace dots with a comma this room...it feels so...real. His attention focused back on the towering figure, and who the hell is..., This seems like a story aimed towards a younger audience. If it is, you might want to consider using another word besides hell, as some parents are ultra paranoid

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I really like this, good job! It's very descriptive and it carries the reader along. I think there are a few minor issues here and there, but nothing that can't be easily polished. Nice work!

[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 06, 2008).]
 

Having said that, though,I would probably turn the page.
 

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As he began to pan to his right...

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This phrasing threw me out of the story. Since this is a person's gaze rather than a camera, maybe say, "As he looked to his right" or something?
 

WaBoh opened his eyes and found himself lying on a cold stone floor. He stared at a massive stone fireplace blazing blue flames. There was no warmth coming from it. It seemed to be permeating a chill. How odd, WaBoh thought. What kind of fire could chill a room? He stood up to see what other oddities would be found in this cold sterile stone room. As he scaned to his right he saw a towering hunched figure, its back turned to him, looming over a large woodblock table. WaBoh froze stiff. The figure did not move. The black cloak the figure wore had the look of liquid. It was so placid you could not tell if the figure was even breathing. Where am I? WaBoh thought. This must be a dream, but the cold, this room, it feels so...real. His attention focused back on the towering figure, and who the hell is...,
 

It has to do with the use of internal monologue. The thing is, most people think only partially in words. They rarely think in complete sentences. So, most of the time, having "quoted" internal monologue in complete sentences feels false. To me, the far superior method is (generally) to describe reactions and thoughts rather than to try to report them verbatim. Not everyone agrees with me on this, so don't take it as a complaint, per se. But the fact is that I see it a lot less often in published books (though even there it's more common than I'd like) than I do in submissions on this thread, and that makes me think I might be on the right track.

Take this line:

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How odd, WaBoh thought. What kind of fire could chill a room?

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quote:

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How odd. What kind of fire could chill a room?

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The next example requires a tiny bit more change:

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Where am I? WaBoh thought. This must be a dream, but the cold, this room, it feels so...real.

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quote:

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Where was he? This must be a dream, but the cold, this room, it felt so . . . real.

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One other advantage of doing it this way is that it avoids the whole debate of whether quoted interior monologue should be in italics or not. If you simply pare the parts where you use true quoted thoughts down to a minimum, no one will care whether the remaining ones are italicized or not--there simply won't be enough of the italics to bother anyone.

Okay, having said all that, I might as well go on to say that this seems pretty good, all in all. Here's my further comments:

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WaBoh opened his eyes and found himself lying on a cold stone floor. He stared at a massive stone fireplace blazing blue flames. There was no warmth coming from it. It seemed, in fact, to be permeating a chill. [How odd, WaBoh thought. What kind of fire could chill a room?-->Odd. (Really, I think the one word here is all you need; the rest sounds redundant.) He stood up to see what other oddities you've already used "odd"; find another word would be found in this cold sterile stone room (drop one adjective). As he scanned to his right he saw a towering hunched figure, its back turned to him, looming over a large woodblock table. WaBoh froze stiff. The figure did not move. The black cloak the figure wore had the look of liquid. It was so placid you could not tell if the figure was even breathing.insert paragraph

Where am I? WaBoh thought. This must be a dream, but the cold, this room, it feels so...real.[already did this.] His attention focused back on the towering figure[,-->period] And who the hell is...,

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[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 07, 2008).]
 

I've been thinking about your phrase "liquid black cloak." I think my earlier comment was wrong in the sense that liquid can actually be used as an adjective in the way you did. It can describe something as: 1) Flowing like water, or 2) graceful; smooth; free and unconstricted: the ballerina's liquid arabesques.

So, it actually works, I'm just a dummy.

It might actually be more smooth than your revision, The black cloak the figure wore had the look of liquid, which reads clunky. I'd suggest keeping the first sentence structure and either using liquid or replacing it with a similar word such as fluid, lustrous, shiny or flowing.
 

I find myself using began and begun as well, to the point that it becomes ugly, and I've had to edit quite a bit of that out of my writing.

 

Sorry everyone. When I get off work I will try to do some revisions and rewrite what I had for you. I really do appriciate all the input. Its nice to have someone else looking at it besides yourself. Thank all of you again.
 

I really like the way this moves. I like the description-it's unusual enough to keep my interest, but not too much. Sometimes description is like frosting-you just need a little to make it perfect; too much and it'll ruin the cake.

I like it! Hope you'll post more...
-VB
 

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To me, this also feels like a deeper POV penetration than the quoted version. Thoughts like these, when quoted, give me the feeling that, by claiming that the character used this syntax in thinking, the author has actually inserted a layer of syntax between me and the real thoughts. By NOT claiming that the syntax is part of the thought, however, I can ignore the syntax and see the thought behind. That may not make any sense, but that's how it feels to me.

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I see your point here. Explaining the character's thoughts in the way you're suggesting presents the reader with more imaginative leeway. This means that each reader will have a slightly unique interpretation. This can work towards the writer's advantage or not. I think it's more good than bad, however, as the more the reader can connect with the book on a personal level, the more unique it is for him and the more he'll enjoy it.

[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 09, 2008).]
 

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The concern I have about this is that it opens with a classic cliche--MC wakes up not knowing where he/ she is.

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I agree with annepin. However, I think this should be an easy fix in your case, jayh. For example, perhaps WaBoh had just been forced into this room and thrown to the floor (rather than that he had been there for a while). There are lots of different things you could do with this to easily avoid the "waking up" cliche. I don't think you should change the main structure of the paragraph to adapt, however. Just alter the first sentence slightly or add another sentence to the beginning.

[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 09, 2008).]
 

I also have a title now.

Evolution of a Champion

Waboh found himself lying on a cold stone floor, staring at a massive stone fireplace blazing with blue flames. There was no warmth coming from it. It seemed to be permeating a chill. How strange. What kind of fire could chill a room? He stood up to see what other oddities would be found in this sterile stone room. As he scanned to his right he saw a towering hunched figure, its back turned to him, looming over a large woodblock table. Waboh froze stiff. The figure did not move. The liquid black cloak the figure wore was so placid you could not tell if it was even breathing.
Where was he? this must be a dream, but the cold, this room, it felt so...real. His attention focused back on the towering figure. And who the hell is...,

[This message has been edited by jayh (edited February 19, 2008).]
 

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WaBoh It's an unusual name, yes. But it sounds like it's unusual for the sake of being unusual, not like a real name

opened his eyes and found himself lying on a cold stone floor, staring at a massive stone fireplace blazing with blue flames. He was staring at the stone fireplace when he woke up? I think not There was no warmth coming from it. It seemed to be permeating a chill not heat. How odd, WaBoh thought. What kind of fire could chill a room? This exposition is handled poorly. Your character shouldn't magically realize an inherent truth, it should involve trial and error. Try having him shiver, huddle near the fire for warmth, but be suprised by finding it colder there. Also you are overusing chill He stood up to see what other oddities would be found in this cold sterile stone room. I don't like the list of adjectives As he began to pan to his right This sounds like theasourusitis, camera's pan, people don't. he saw a towering hunched figure, with its back turned to him, looming over a large woodblock table. Awkward, just awkward WaBoh froze stiff. Stiff is unnecessary The figure did not move. The liquid black cloak, liquid refers to the shade of black, or the cloak itself? the figure wore, was so placid you could not tell if it was even breathing. Where am I? WaBoh thought. This must be a dream, but...the cold...this room...it feels so...real. His attention focused back on the towering figure, and who the hell is...,

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I'm sorry to say that I don't find your intro either interesting or well written.
 

[This message has been edited by jayh (edited February 19, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by jayh (edited February 19, 2008).]
 

The opening of the current draft reads like the opening of a set of stage directions - we have a sketch of the setting and some guidelines for the actor playing Waboh to interpret the expression he should adopt. We don't get Waboh's experience, we just have his actions narrated to us and then get a few fragments of thought.

Here are my suggestions for evolving the paragraph, with some rough examples:

First, get active. "Waboh found himself lying on a cold stone floor" sounds passive. "Waboh woke on a cold stone floor" is more active, though not very good yet.

You also want a hook in the first sentence, and at this point its either the Coldfire or the creature. The creature is more interesting to me: "When Waboh first woke on the cold stone floor he mistook the creature for a shadow."

Then you want to say why he didn't notice the creature right away (from his perspective), and give some POV flavor so you end up with something like: "Waboh mistook the creature for a shadow in the unfamiliar surroundings when he first woke in the stone chamber. The chamber was a cold and barren vault, with an eldritch glow that cast everything in pale shades of blue. It reminded Waboh of a tomb."

With that done, give Waboh something to do in reaction to the environment, along the lines of: "An involuntary shudder ran up Waboh's spine at the thought and his muscles ached in protest. His mind was numb and his body stiff after a night spent sprawled on the floor, but he did not think that he was dead. He rose with a groan and turned to face the flickering light."

Then get back into the Coldfire, but remember the POV is Waboh's: "A massive stone fireplace blazing with blue flames was set into the far wall. Waboh raised his hand in the direction of the fire but there was no warmth. He felt the heat leeched from his fingers, and a deep chill spread into his hand. What kind of flame could do that? None that he knew of. Perhaps this was death, after all."

And then get back to the creature: "As he drew his hand back to the protective folds of his tunic the shadow shifted. Waboh froze. With his eyes now adjusted to the faint glow of the unnatural flames he saw the shadow for what it was: a towering creature, hunched over a large woodblock table. It wore a liquid black cloak so placid Waboh could not tell if it was even breathing. A cold sweat trickled down his back as he stood watching it for several long moments, waiting for it to move again. It did not."

EDIT - I see a new draft is up that eliminates some of the concerns I had. I need to write faster to avoid my comments becoming obsolete before I post them!

[This message has been edited by Khalan (edited February 19, 2008).]
 

I think that finding POV voice is the hardest thing for a new writer to do - I struggle with it all the time. Not finding it (and thus telling the story as a passionless narrator) has led me to abandon every draft of every story I've ever started in my life. Only in the past year or so have I really started paying attention to it in my reading to try to learn the craft, and I haven't yet dared to put pen to paper for myself. I'm definitely still a novice.

Still, I firmly believe that if you find your POV voice for the story then the story you picture so clearly in your mind will explode onto the page in brilliant color for your readers.

Good luck!
 

New Version

Evolution of a Champion

WaBoh woke in front of a massive stone fire place blazing with blue flames. Cold and disoriented WaBoh pushed up and raised his hand in the direction of the fire, but there was no warmth. He felt the heat leached from his fingers and a deep chill spread into his outstretched hand. He drew it back quickly. Crossing his arms and placing his hands under each pit. Instantly the chill subsided. WaBoh was dumbfounded. What kind of fire could do that? None he had ever heard of. He knew one thing though. He would not try it again.
With his eyes adjusting to the pale blue glow emitted from the unnatural flames. WaBoh turned around to see what other oddities he would find. With his hands still tucked under his arms, he froze. Ten feet away a towering figure loomed over a large woodblock table.

Original Version

Evolution of a Champion

WaBoh found himself lying on a stone floor, staring at a massive stone fireplace blazing with blue flames. There was no warmth coming from it. It seemed to be permeating a chill. How strange. What kind of fire could chill a room? He stood up to see what other oddities would be found in this sterile stone room. As he scanned to his right he saw a towering hunched figure, its back turned to him, looming over a large woodblock table. WaBoh froze. The figure did not move. The liquid black cloak the figure wore was so placid you could not tell if it was even breathing.
Where was he? This must be a dream, but the cold, this room, it felt so...real. His attention focused back on the towering figure. And who the hell is...,

[This message has been edited by jayh (edited February 21, 2008).]
 

quote:

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WaBoh woke in front of a massive stone fire place blazing with blue flames. Cold and disoriented<comma> WaBoh pushed up and raised his hand in the direction of the fire, but there was no warmth. [He felt the]<--omit heat leached from his fingers and a deep chill spread into his outstretched hand. He drew it back quickly. Find a verb that means "drew quickly" Crossing his arms[ and placing]<--, he placed [his hands under each pit.]<--a hand in each armpit <or> his hands under them Instantly the chill subsided. WaBoh was dumbfounded.Overstated What kind of fire could do that?unnecessary None he had ever heard of.obviously He knew one thing though. Unnecessary He would not try it<--that again.This is the only one of the last five sentences you should keep.
With his eyes adjusting to the pale blue glow emitted from the unnatural flames. WaBoh turned around to see what other oddities he would find. With his hands second sentence in a row starting with: With his <body part> still tucked under his arms, he froze. Ten feet away a towering figure loomed over a large woodblock table.

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[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 29, 2008).]