[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 04, 2007).]
I read this several times, but kept tripping on it:
Among them were planet-killers...in whose destinies lay the death of future species.
This is a story about a crew of intrepid travelers who are on a trek of sorts through the stars. This object then needs to hear the chirp of squirrels or it will level the planet with hazelnuts. But, alas, they have all died out... its a great tale.
No..it's nothing like that.
Re; That line you mentioned. It is a bit clunky. I know what I want to say I will just have to re-do until I do say it, nicely.
Thanks.
It drifted silently through the outer layers of the solar system, past frozen cathedrals of ice and rock that spun slowly in their vast million year orbits. The light of the star barely reached these seemingly inert objects, yet gravity, nevertheless, ruled their lives.
Among them were the planet-killers, the climate-changers and the twisted lumps of rock and iron whose futures governed the fates of creatures yet to evolve. The black ellipsoid was blind to their potentials as it plotted a course through the outskirts of the solar system. Its gravatonic drive flicked on and off, subtley altering it course, as it flew ever closer to the prey planet.
Small particles impacted on its forward shield in brief shimmers of ruby flame, almost like the bow wave of an ancient warship.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 05, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited December 04, 2007).]
quote:
Didn't understand it at first, but re-read it and we're on the same page -- deleted post. bravo
Wasn't sure wht you meant either. You ended with bravo, so I assumed you meant it was good? Yet confusing?
Adam
[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited December 05, 2007).]
Something wasn't clicking right when I read it. Maybe try "Silently it drifted" instead of "It drifted silently".
For some reason, that doesn't make me think "What is IT?" as much.
ASB
[This message has been edited by ASB (edited December 05, 2007).]
As mentionned on another post this is a start to a story that I have done in a couple of ways. The other post is called 'Cuculus' and starts with a person.
Would definitely read on.I'm not great at critiquing, so there's my opinion for what it's worth.
It drifted silently through the outer layers of the solar system, past frozen cathedrals of ice and rock as they spun in their vast orbits. The star's light barely reached these massifs, yet gravity ruled their lives. Among them were planet-killers, climate-changers and twisted lumps of rock and iron that would change the future. The black ellipsoid was blind to their potential as it sped through the outskirts of the solar system. Its gravatonic drive flicked on and off, subtly altering it course as it approached the prey planet. Small particles impacted its forward shield in brief shimmers of ruby flame, like the bow wave of an ancient warship.
I like the vast million year orbits and frozen cathedrals: they give a sense of scale.
I wondered if you might replace the opening "It" with "the black ellipsoid". You're going to tell us anyway, and it might strengthen the imagery of the first para.
I like the brief shimmers of ruby flame because they add some colour to a scene that's so far black and starlight.
Good title too.
Great start, skadder.
Pat
*carefully, when no-one was looking, he slipped it in his pocket and walked away whistling quietly*
I like this opening better because it promises a story with an interstellar canvas.
Just 2c,
Pat
quote:
I like this opening better because it promises a story with an interstellar canvas.
Interesting because I always thouught people prefereed openings where you meet a person rather than what is essentially description.
I do happen to be attracted to interesting scenes even if, as with this one, I've seen similar before. (It reminds me of Clarke's "Rendezvous with Rama" and the Star Trek movie where they go back in time to San Francisco for the whales.)
It's all about taste and interest. Sure, we usually like to meet some characters and conflict early, but in a novel, perhaps not necessarily every time in the first 13.
Pat
*bows with a flourish*
Will people stop mentioning that Star Trek movie (see you are people now). Can't an interstellar menace fly into the solar system with everyone mentioning Star bloody Trek?
Just kidding.
But wouldn't it be something if the MC in your menacing craft died and they sent him in a pod to rest on a planet, only to be brought back to life by a genesis machine? . . . Nah.