.Here's the prologue to my finished NaNoWriMo novel. It's probably a horrid mess at the moment, because I only finished it a couple of days ago, but I just want to get some preliminary thoughts on it. And if anyone wants to take a look at the first draft, let me know.
The novel's subtitle is 'A Satirical Romp Around the Cosmos', playing on the pun of the word 'romp'.
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The Marquis fell to the ground, panting, clutching the solid-gold suitcase to his chest. Sweat dripped from him in continual sheets of moisture, soaking his clothes and ruining the lining.
'This was my best ****ing outfit,’ he whispered to himself, grunting. A dull throb was gathering between his eyebrows and shooting pains zigzagged up and down the back of his neck.
Footsoldiers hurtled down the corridor, ignorant of their tread as they fell over themselves in pursuit of the Marquis and his charge. Sod this, he thought. Had he known publishing had been such a cutthroat business, he’d never have begun writing in the first place. It was one thing to live as a Byronic poet in a brooding interspace manor; it was quite another to have crazed lackeys firing turncanons at your heels. The smell of burning metal and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 27, 2007).]
[EDIT: I removed one of the curses. --baduizt]
[EDIT: Changed 'slipped over him in continual sheets of moisture' to 'dripped from him in continual sheets of moisture'.]
[EDIT: Replaced 'him' with 'the Marquis' to clarify the third paragraph.]
[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited November 27, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited December 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited December 06, 2007).]
quote:
Sweat [slipped strange word usage, don't try to hard to be original. 'dripped' would work much better ] over him in continual sheets of moisture, [soaking his clothes and ruining the lining. this is distracting -- do you want us to worry about the clothes, or the Marquis? ]
Also, I think the cursing is pretty distracting as well.
I'm sure he's very angry about his suit, but don't go overboard with those colorful profanities.
quote:
he whispered to himself, [grunting this seems unnecessary, how can you whisper and grunt at the same time? pick one -- either grunt or whisper.].
quote:
themselves in pursuit of him [and his charge scrap this line.]
The last paragraph is very good for the most part. It's a great hook -- introduces the main character, gives a conflict and gives some background info to boot. However, scrap the cursing I think. It's even more annoying than overusing phonetics. (no offense) 'Skrew this' is a great replacement for '****ing **** this.'
Also, what exactly does burning metal smell like?
All in all, good first 13 -- I'm impressed, good luck!
[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited November 27, 2007).]
I think, based on the kind of story this is, it's equally important to worry about the lining of his suit as it is to worry about his life ;-) The protagonist is horribly shallow (at least at the beginning).
I'm glad you think it's not total garbage, anyway. The problem I have with NaNoWriMo is that you just have to keep on writing, no matter what you're putting down, because otherwise you just won't keep up. It also means I can't really look back until December.
Luckily, I've finished the story and I feel quite satisfied. It's always nice to get that amount of work done in such a short space of time. Starting on a new novel is always a daunting task.
And yes, I probably agree with the cursing. I tend to lapse into obscenity when I can't think of anything to say and I'm writing freely.
Cheers
Now, this is a NaNoWriMo novel, so I can't be held responsible for the quality ;-)
Cheers
Also, you have him say "This was my best ****ing outfit", but later on he says "Forget this." It's inconsistent. If he's going to swear, let him swear. If not, take it out. Alternatives that aren't so harsh would be "D@mn! My favorite outfit!" or "Holy h3ll! Look at my outfit!" Lesser (don't know it that's the right word for it) swear words tend not to distract from stories as much. At least for me, they don't.
Oh, and good job. Love the title.
[This message has been edited by dienstag (edited December 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by dienstag (edited December 03, 2007).]
Cheers
I would suggest one thing--that in the third paragraph you use the word "Marquis" instead of "him" in the first sentence, so that it reads ..."in pursuit of the Marquis and his charge"....
You have several pronouns in that sentence and in the ensuing paragraph, and I got a little confused about who you were talking about. I run into similar issues with my protagonist all the time. You don't want to constantly call them by their name, but you have to do it just enough to keep the reader from a moment of confusion.
As it stands now, I think the profanity is fine, and there aren't any glaring bits of horrible prose.
The one thing that sticks out at me is the solid gold suitcase - that thing's gotta be riddiculously heavy. Don't know about you, but I wouldn't get far lugging that thing about.
Anyway, very interesting, and I'd certainly read more .
Daniel.
Finally, bluephoenix, you might be right. It may have to be a gilt suitcase instead ;-)
Adam
xxx