When Chris Kerry was sixteen, his friend Pipe Clement stole a fifth of Jack Daniel’s from his old man’s gun cabinet. A few hours later, an unborn baby died. Chris knew he was the killer. Even those who told him he wasn’t responsible didn’t believe it, Chris could tell. It didn’t matter what they said or thought anyway, because Chris knew.
Chris and the other of the “Three Budsketeers,” Charlie Watson, met Pipe in his backyard after school that Friday night. Pipe’s freckled upper lip was trembling as he flashed them a quick look at the unopened bottle of Black Label, which he had wrapped up in a frayed pink towel.
“He just left it open,” Pipe said, incredulous at his luck.
From this thirteen, I really don't know what's going on.
Here's what confuses me:
quote:
When Chris Kerry was sixteen, his friend Pipe Clement stole a fifth of Jack Daniel’s from his old man’s gun cabinet. A few hours later, an unborn baby died.[How did he know the unborn baby died? How did the baby die?] Chris knew he[Who? Chris? Pipe?] was the killer. Even those who told him he wasn’t responsible didn’t believe it, Chris could tell.[I'm confused and you get more vague?] It didn’t matter what they said or thought anyway, because Chris knew.
Chris and the other of the “Three Budsketeers,” Charlie Watson, met Pipe in his backyard after school that Friday night.[Huh?] Pipe’s freckled upper lip was trembling as he flashed them a quick look at the unopened bottle of Black Label, which he had wrapped up in a frayed pink towel.
“He just left it open,” Pipe said, incredulous at his luck.
Okay. From your question, I'm assuming that the "unborn" child is killed in said accident. If so, start at the accident. I don't think you should backtrack for an info-dump. Fill any necessary details in as you're progressing. I don't see anything in this that couldn't easily fit into a line of dialogue or thought when it's relevent.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 18, 2007).]
I think in order to have my sympathy, anyway, I need to have a bit more information. Who is this baby? A baby of a close friend or perhaps his own unborn sibling? I think you need to tell us this right off the bat.
I feel like you're missing one critical thought here that would tie all this in together. Chris raids the JD, an fetus aborts, and he thinks he's responsible: WHY? Does he think God has somehow punished him? Or was it because his pregnant mom was upstairs and he was off getting drunk when he should have been taking care of her?
A lot of people feel they are responsible for a death that happens, regardless of the circumstances, so that in itself is not enough to make me want to follow Chris's story (sorry, I guess I'm a little cold-hearted). If I knew why he thought he was responsible, or even who the baby was to him, I might be more hooked.
Without really knowing what accident you are talking about, or how it relates to this incident, or what age your protagonist is when he has the accident, I can't really comment much on where you think the story should start. Are you planning to continuously lead up to the accident from this point? Or is this essentially a moment that happens, and then you'll fast-forward to the accident?
Okay, in rereading IB's comments, I see that maybe the baby dies in the accident... again, I think you need to make that clear, and then the causality of the first sentence would be in question, depending on the circumstances of the death. It's not the act of filching liquor, certainly, that he thinks led up to the death--if he was involved in the accident somehow, he'd think, If only I'd been there with that pregnant lady to stop her from falling down the stairs!
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 19, 2007).]
At least, it seems like that because his name comes first, and we get that he "knew" he was the killer. This is not really all that deep of penetration, so it is not obvious yet.
The voice is interesting, and for that I may read on, but more than likely I would just pass on it.
-V
If you must stay with the present starting point, lose the "When Chris Kerry was sixteen." This sounds like a flashback. "Sixteen-year-old Chris Kerry..."
As the others said, be specific: He didn't drive the car that night, but he did nothing to prevent Pipe/Chris from cruising around town drunk.... When the pregnant mother's unborn baby died in Pipe's crash, I knew I was as much to blame as anyone. (Or whatever actually happened in the story.)
But as the others said, consider starting at the crash and work in the back story you've covered in your opening with police interviews, eye witnesses, etc.
While you can change from full Omni POV (outside narrator) to a 3rd person ltd POV (one person's POV) in either voice you need to tell the reader what the POV knows. With a full omni, there is very little withholding you can get away with. With 3rd, if the POV doesn't know or doesn't have reason to think about it you can delay informing the reader about it. Here, you leave lots of open issues that your POV knows in the hope of building suspense but instead build confusion.
Ex: When Chris Kerry was sixteen, his friend Pipe Clement stole a fifth of Jack Daniel’s from his old man’s gun cabinet. A few hours later, an unborn baby died Hu? How these two related? Your Omni POV knows and so should I .
Chris knew he was the killer. This is a bit different than an unborn baby who "died." Why does Chris know he's the killer? If he choked the baby, I should know that. If he drove the car that hit the pregant woman and caused a miscarriage, I should know that. If he took his girlfriend for an abortion . . . . See my point?
Then, rather than answer these questions you flashback to before the incident.
IMHO, either keep the Omni and deal with the issues you raise OR (Better from my way of thinking) cut the Omni first paragraph and tell the story. The "omni" foreshadowing isn't working for me.
That said, the stuff after the omni is pretty good. I like the set up and "Budsketeers" even if it reminds me of "Mouseketeers." Everyone have your Mickey ears handy?
I also really like the little touches. The "frayed pink towel" tells me a lot about Pipe and his economic background. But make sure Chris (or whoever the POV is) would notice the towel too.
Even here though you violated the apparent POV. If you've dropped into Chris's head - you can't/ shouldn't tell me "Pipe said, incredulous at his luck." First, how does Chris know? Second, "incredulous at his luck" isn't the way a 16 year old thinks. Okay, I did at that age but then I'm me. Most 16 year olds don't. Third, the tag makes for weak dialog. Don't tell me Pipe was incredulous, let his dialog or actions show it.
ex: something like:
"I can't believe he left it open, he's always so damned paranoid about locking it."
Tells me in the dialog that this is an odd occurance and Pipe is suprised.
So, my 2 cents for what they are worth:
Yes, I too could not resist the bullet function
quote:
When Chris Kerry was sixteen, his friend Pipe Clement stole a fifth of Jack Daniel’s from his old man’s gun cabinet. A few hours later, an unborn baby died. Chris knew he was the killer.
the "When Chris Kerry was sixteen" is awkward. I'd prefer "Chris Kerry was sixteen when the baby died, hours after..." So does Chris know *he* is the killer or does he know *Pipe* is the killer.
quote:
Even those who told him he wasn’t responsible didn’t believe it, Chris could tell. It didn’t matter what they said or thought anyway, because Chris knew.
I'd say this whole idea could be replaced by making sure the reader knows Chris thinks he is to blame in the earlier snippet.
quote:
Chris and the other of the “Three Budsketeers,” Charlie Watson, met Pipe in his backyard after school that Friday night. Pipe’s freckled upper lip was trembling as he flashed them a quick look at the unopened bottle of Black Label, which he had wrapped up in a frayed pink towel.“He just left it open,” Pipe said, incredulous at his luck.
Unclear if this is flashback at first read. Avoid the flashback problem by making this a real-time reflection Chris has about Black Label or the pink towel.