Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Query Help

This is topic Query Help in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by BrigidMaryKemm (Member # 6138) on :

Since my friend was ballsy enough to post her query here, I decided to step up to the plate and do the same thing. I have submitted this to EE as well, and am waiting with chewed fingernails for the slashing over there, but you guys always have a lot of good ideas. Thank you in advance for any help you can give.

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After a good deed turns into a near fatal mistake, marathoner Rebecca Hanson discovers four vampire brothers living in a quiet Baltimore suburb. Far from undead, these living creatures thrive on contact with humans, and can sense and manipulate emotion through touch. Willing to protect their secret, she finds a budding romance with Christopher, the youngest of the four. As their relationship deepens, Rebecca learns that she is one of few humans who can mentally link with the vampires and temporarily share their abilities—their strength, their rapid healing, and their ability to control feeling—without their drive for blood.

But Christopher and his brothers have fallen under attack from a new, more powerful vampire with a hidden goal. As the threats to his brothers prove progressively more deadly, Christopher is forced to abandon his relationship to protect his family. Hurt and bewildered by his sudden rejection, Rebecca seeks and finds friendship with her new running partner, the ever charming Gareth.

When her trusted friend reveals himself to be the terrifying new vampire, Rebecca must fight for her life and the brothers’ survival with everything she has—including her new ability. But when Gareth tells her his real reasons for coming to Baltimore, she must make some serious decisions about who really needs help, who can be trusted, and who the true villain is.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I'm getting some revenge on EE by trying to emulate him:

After a good deed turns into a near fatal mistake, marathoner Rebecca Hanson discovers four vampire brothers living in a quiet Baltimore [God, not Baltimore, again] suburb. Far from undead, these living creatures thrive on contact with humans [not to mention sucking them dry of blood], and can sense and manipulate emotion through touch. Willing to protect their secret, she finds a budding romance with Christopher, the youngest of the four. As their relationship deepens, Rebecca learns that she is one of few humans who can mentally link with the vampires [that's convenient] and temporarily share their abilities—their strength, their rapid healing, and their ability to control feeling—without their drive for blood.

But Christopher and his brothers have fallen under attack from a new, more powerful vampire [weredingoes are scarier] with a hidden goal [purpose]. As the threats to his brothers prove progressively more deadly, Christopher is forced to abandon his relationship to protect his family. Hurt and bewildered by his sudden rejection, Rebecca seeks and finds friendship with her new running partner, the ever[-]charming Gareth. [How do we know he is always charming if we've just met him?]

When her trusted friend [Gareth] reveals himself to be the terrifying new vampire, Rebecca must fight for her life and the brothers’ survival with everything she has—including her new ability [Why? Couldn't she just go to Cleveland instead of protecting bloodsuckers?]. But when Gareth tells her his real reasons for coming to Baltimore, she must make some serious decisions about who really needs help, who can be trusted, and who the true villain is.

This is pretty good query, I think. Good luck with it.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited September 09, 2007).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I agree-- It's short, simple, but clear, and you get the story down to its bones. If I were an editor, I'd be interested.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 09, 2007).]

Posted by BrigidMaryKemm (Member # 6138) on :

Thank you both for your feedback!!

But...what's wrong with Baltimore, WB? I mean, I like it here...

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

But...what's wrong with Baltimore, WB? I mean, I like it here..

I was just doing the EE emulation bit. It seems like Baltimore shows up a lot in EE queries. (I've never set foot there.)

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Sounds good! I expected "abilities" not "ability" in the third paragraph.

"charming" is enough.

I think the last sentence is a great teaser -- it makes me want to know more. But wouldn't an editor want the summary to continue, to see where you are going?

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Don't tease in a query. There are some missing/ withheld bits of information that would put me off from reading/ requesting more of this story.

My take:

quote:

After a good deed turns into a near fatal mistake okay you have my interest but then lose it because you don't tell me what the good deed or the mistake are , marathoner Rebecca Hanson discovers four vampire brothers living in a quiet as opposed to a noisy suburb? Baltimore suburb.
Channelling EE -
Becca - "Humm, here I was walking my neighbor's dog and suddenly stumble across some blood suckers and thier victim."
Brother Christopher (poised over a soon to be corpse} - "Please don't tell on us."
Becca - "Ohhh, your hot.Can we date?"
Chris - "Ah, sure."

Okay, I'm sure your story makes this plausible but we are missing a peice for the query
Far from undead, these living creatures you just objectified them - how about "Contrary to the "undead" myths, the brothers"? thrive on contact with humans, and can sense and manipulate emotion whose? through touch. Willing to protect their secret why? , she finds a budding romance with Christopher, the youngest of the four. As their relationship deepens <-- delete this , Rebecca (learns that she) <-- delete this is one of few humans who can mentally link with the vampires and temporarily share their abilities—their strength, their rapid healing, and their ability to control feeling others emotions? or is this something else. As pointed out by someone else - this is handy —without their drive for blood.
But Christopher and his brothers have fallen under attack from a new, more powerful vampire with a hidden goal This is a query - tell me who this is and what his goal is even if your POV doesn't know it yet. As the threats to his brothers prove progressively more deadly umm, how? , Christopher is forced to abandon his relationship (with Rebecca) to protect his family how are these things related? . Hurt and bewildered by his sudden rejection, Rebecca seeks and finds friendship with her new running partner when did she get a new partner? , the ever charming Gareth.
When her trusted friend reveals himself to be the terrifying new vampire, cut to the chase - Rebecca learns that Gareth is the vampire threatening Chris and Rebecca must fight for her life why is Gareth threatening her? and the brothers’ survival with everything she has—including her new ability Ahm, what new ability? Dog whispering? . But when Gareth tells her his real reasons for coming to Baltimore which are? , she must make some serious decisions about who really needs help, who can be trusted, and who the true villain is.

The last line is nice but I'd like another that tells me how she resolves the conflict otherwise I wonder if she does. The difference between back copy and a query is an agent/publisher doesn't want suprises. Tell me what the threats are, what her choices are and you'll have a stronger query.

Good luck.

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited September 10, 2007).]