The standard questions... does it hook ya? Also, I've been trying to work on the whole concept of "suspense =/= withholding info" so any comments specific to that issue are greatly appreciated. All other comments will just be given the standard appreciation.
Oh right, and it's a fantasy.
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It was as if the snow melted to reveal the Ilarian invaders, claimed the goat herder who first spotted them. One day the valley slept under its blanket of white; the next the boots of a hundred red-cloaked soldiers churned the banks of the Yxer to mud. The news seemed to fly north through Kenar on the wings of the migrating thrush. Dread took root in the Valley of Promises as speculation about the soldiers reached a fevered pitch. Many believed the thousand-year prophecy was coming to pass at last.
It was still only a rumor, Gwineth reminded herself as she approached the shrine of Spring. Almost a month had passed since her father-in-law sent the scouts to investigate and she, Kenar's princess and now wife to the valley's heir, should not be so easily frightened by the words of goat herders. Yet she
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[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 05, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 06, 2007).]
quote:
It was as if the snow melted to reveal the Ilarian invaders, [claimed the goat herder[What goatherder talks like that?] who first spotted them.<--Is h talking to someone? If so Quotation Marks, if not, it seems a little like he is.] One day the valley slept under its blanket of white; the next the boots of a hundred red-cloaked soldiers churned the banks of the Yxer to mud. The news [seemed to fly<--Just flew would do.] north through Kenar [on the wings of the migrating thrush.<--though it's poetic, it bogs down the exposition.] Dread took root in the Valley of Promises[,] as speculation about the soldiers reached a fevered pitch. Many believed the thousand-year prophecy was coming to pass at last.[I take it this line prompts your question about withholding/suspence. If so, a simple switch of "the thousand-year prophecy" for "a thousand-year prophecy" would change that. However, you have an even bigger problem: prophecies are very cliche right now. Seems like every story has a Prophesied One or Messiah in the tale now-a-days.]It was still only a rumor[What was? The invaders?], Gwineth reminded herself as she approached the shrine of Spring. Almost a month had passed since her father-in-law sent the scouts to investigate and she, Kenar's princess [and now wife to the valley's heir<--a little redundant], should not be so easily frightened by the words of goat herders. Yet she could not shake the suspicion threading into her heart that somehow
It's not too bad. A little rearranging, and:
It was still only a rumor, Gwineth reminded herself, as she trod through the snow toward the Shrine of Spring. A goatherder claimed that 100 red-cloaked Ilarian invaders suddenly appeared on the banks of the Yxer. The warriors were renown for their ruthlessness. Dread had spread through the Valley of Promises; whispers of a thousand-year prophecy reached a fever pitch. Worse, the scouts that her father-in-law -- King of Kenar -- had sent to investigate it were nowhere to be found. Though she should not be frightened by the words of a goatherder, she couldn't shake the suspicion that...
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 05, 2007).]
I agree on your needing to specify "it." Otherwise you could be referring to the prophecy *or* the story of the invaders passing through.
BobbieAnne, thanks for your comments. I'm thinking it reads a bit too purple-prosey though.
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and she, Kenar's princess [and now wife to the valley's heir<--a little redundant],
I don't want to use the terms "king" or "high king" since they too strongly evoke Western European society. "Overlord" sounds a bit evil. Either way, there are few words for the daughter of the overlord, king, or even chieftan, and it's important for the reader to know her status. I am wondering, though, if the reader needs to know it _now_, or if I can wait until I can clarify some of this...
Anyway, I'd be grateful for anyone's comments on terminology or making this clearer.
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I think the feeling of redundancy is actually an artifact of my inability to find the correct terminology[<--LoL. You're a writer.], and maybe someone can help me with this. Or maybe I just need to make it clearer. Kenar consists of tribal lords who rule the valleys but are bound by oath to an overlord. So she's princess of Kenar in that she's the sister of the overlord (the queen mother still lives), but she's now married to the heir of the lord of the valley.<--[ You don't need to expose this all at once, but you need to choose your words carefully.]
I don't want to use the terms "king" or "high king" since they too strongly evoke Western European society. "Overlord" sounds a bit evil. Either way, there are few words for the daughter of the overlord, king, or even chieftan, and it's important for the reader to know her status. I am wondering, though, if the reader needs to know it _now_, or if I can wait until I can clarify some of this...
What do you call the Tribal Leaders? If you don't have a name for them, you want to create one. Do a little research on real tribal societies, learn the different types of names they have, then customise the name to your story. If you already have a name for the leaders, the "Overlord"'s title could be derived from that.
I don't need to know every nuance of the hierarchy, I just need to know that the soldiers had been sent to investigate, and only because that worsens her fears (and she knew about it). When in doubt, consider what she's thinking. Example:
Worse yet, scouts were sent to investigate the claim, but none had returned.
If you'd like, email me. I'll help in any way I can.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 06, 2007).]
PS - The previous offer is a standing one.
I agree with Inarticulate Babbler that the re-arrangement of the intro would be best. The hook is going to be the MC and the crisis she's about to experience. All the other stuff is fluff. We care about people, not history or politics... at least, until we know the people well enough to surmise how the history and politics will affect them.
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PS - The previous offer is a standing one.
Totally bogus non-lines, but giving you a rough idea. It trickles, and ultimately we figure out the terms are meaningful even if they aren't explicitly explained (without even a diagram for us visual folks, harumph!) The stories are quite lovely anyway!
Point? Story is king. Tell a good story, describe the relationships in natural ways. Put your characters in the settings and set them in motion. The rest will fall into place.