Hatrack River Writers Workshop: first 13 of my novel

This is topic first 13 of my novel in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by sgtsneaky (Member # 6192) on :

would like feedback on my novel. here is the first 13 lines:

Prelude

The jungle air is damp and cloying, the smell of pine and human sweat fills the air. The night is black, pitch black. The temperature is in the upper 90's and the humidity unbearable. I lay motionless, dripping in sweat, along with my 8 man squad. We’re laid out in a circle, with our feet pointing in towards the center; we’re spaced close enough to each other so that we could use our fingers to tap out messages to each other.

I lay here thinking about my wife and son, knowing that after this mission is over, I am going to go home on leave and spend some quality time with them. I look forward to that. Then a tapping on my wrist brings me out of my daydream. A message comes from the Master Chief, informing me that there is movement in the brush ahead; the Master Chief wants to know

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 27, 2007).]

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

Welcome to Hatrack. I see you came prepared.

This description flashes me back. The jungle, temperature and humidity make me think of Vietnam. Reference to a Master Chief makes me think of SEALs or Marines with embedded Navy personnel. The description of jungle, deployment of the squad and the personal daydream all work well.

I like two particular details in this - the finger tapping communication where quiet is essential, and the smell of human sweat. It was known that smell of sweat, or of perfumed soap, attracted VC like flies. It's also good that the story gets some action started right away. A novel can develop action more slowly than a short story, but still needs to keep the reader interested. I think your second paragraph does just that.

One questionable point is pine in the jungle. I didn't think pine grew in a true rainforest.

Posted by chinchillac (Member # 6185) on :

I really like the description here. I think you've added enough detail so that we, as the reader, can see the jungle and feel the atmosphere. Well done description of the deployment of the squad and how important silence is with the tapping is signals and then the action starts. Nicely done! Welcome to the group.
Chastity

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Excellent beginning. Only one suggestion, "lie" instead of "lay" (in two places). As my mama used to say, "people lie, hens lay". (At least, that's true in the present tense. In the past tense, "lay" is correct.)

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I'm going to echo the others here--nice description, nice scene setting. And I like that there's action right away.

Pine and jungle was a bit odd-makes me think of swamp land in southeast US. And sorry, but "Master Chief" makes me think of Halo the game.

Some little things:

The temperature is in the upper 90's and the humidity unbearable.
I almost think you don't need this--the lying motionless dripping in sweat says it all.

I lay here thinking about my wife and son, knowing that after this mission is over, I am going to go home on leave and spend some quality time with them. I look forward to that.
This felt rather flat and generic to me. "Quality time" is a trite phrase that it means almost nothing anymore. I think you could make this a more poignant moment by bringing up something specific about his family--i.e., take Bobby to go catch that huge catfish the old folks say swims around in Miller's Creek.a (Okay, that's trite too, but you get the idea).

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

First, I don't really like present tense, it's much harder for me to achieve immersion.

Where is this set: Future, Now, Past?

That said, it's not bad.

My take:

quote:

The jungle air is damp and cloying, the smell of pine and human sweat fills the air. [I don't know where the jungle is, so I'm willing to give it a bit of leeway.]The night is black, pitch black. The temperature is in the upper 90's and the humidity unbearable.[<--absolutely necessary, it solidifies the PoV.] I [lie] motionless, dripping in sweat, along with my 8 man squad. We’re laid out in a circle, with our feet pointing in towards the center; we’re spaced close enough to each other so that we could use our fingers to tap out messages to each other.[NICE!]
I [lie<--Issue of tense] here thinking about my wife and son, knowing that after this mission is over, I am going [to go<--needed?] home [on leave and spend some quality time with<--maybe replace this with the word to] them. I look forward to that. [Then a<--Needed?] tapping on my wrist brings me out of my daydream. A message comes from the Master Chief, informing me that there is movement in the brush ahead[;<--Is this just a conjunction of sentences? It looks like it.] the Master Chief wants to know

1) The only problem I have with "Master Chief" is that he lacks an identity. IMHO: A message come from the Master Chief, informing me that there is movement in the brush ahead. Master Chief Name wants to know...

2) I wonder if the ambiguous "daydream" advances the story. It seems that the "movement in the bushes" could be explained earlier without it, and that' what I really want to know about. I know it lets us know the protagonist is a husband and father, but is it necessary here?

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 29, 2007).]

Posted by meg.stout (Member # 6193) on :

First, why use present tense? And why use first person?

quote:
The jungle air is damp and cloying, the smell of pine and human sweat fills the air. The night is black, pitch black. The temperature is in the upper 90's and the humidity unbearable. I lay motionless, dripping in sweat, along with my 8 man squad. We’re laid out in a circle, with our feet pointing in towards the center; we’re spaced close enough to each other so that we could use our fingers to tap out messages to each other.

Is this a standard formation for an eight-man squad? Are they on their stomachs? Are they wearing anything? If so, isn't the sweat runneling down their uniforms, itching unbearably? Are they holding their weapons at the ready, or in close proximity? Tapping messages to one another seems pretty unstealthy - why not just whisper?

quote:
I lay here thinking about my wife and son, knowing that after this mission is over, I am going to go home on leave and spend some quality time with them. I look forward to that. Then a tapping on my wrist brings me out of my daydream. A message comes from the Master Chief, informing me that there is movement in the brush ahead; the Master Chief wants to know

Name the wife and son, my opinion - right now just feels like the mention of a family is supposed to make us like this individual. "Quality time" sounds like this is now and tells me this guy watches Oprah or something. Or maybe the POV character is a she here and is a lesbian. I don't know. How does a tap convey that the Master Chief detected movement and wants to know... Also, Master Chief to me evokes the image of a sailor.

Not a story that particularly draws me in as it stands here. Where are they (what world), what is their purpose, are they wearing clothes, how are they armed, are there any biting critters in this jungle, what stage of the conflict is this, are they alone or are there reinforcements on the way? I know this info would push it past 13 lines - but do give me enough to draw me in.

[edited to remove use of "you"]

[This message has been edited by meg.stout (edited August 31, 2007).]

Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :

I would try to change the first paragraph to have fewer 'to be' sentences. And you have several passive tense sentences. With this being present tense first person, it distances us from the immediate action when present first person usually fully submerges a reader into the story. The description shows us the scene, but with the way it is now, I don't feel like I'm in the scene.

Posted by Pawn (Member # 5654) on :

I like the story so far and would read more if I had more to read. I was in the military a short while ago and know that if you have a master chief in your unit and are deployed to a combat zone, then his rank is more than sufficient as far as introductions go. However, I do wonder what a navy E-9 is doing out in combat. This makes me think I'm reading about a seal team. I don't think you need to establish the exact temperature though. All I need to know is that it's a hot, humid jungle and it sucks to be there. Great work, keep writing and I'm sure this book will be a winner.

Posted by meg.stout (Member # 6193) on :

Huh - coming across this after sleep and getting to know your background, it doesn't strike me as odd. But I had been reading a lot of science fiction stuff when I cam across this before, so I wasn't taking this as a straight US military semi-contemporary piece.

And even though I've worked for the Navy since 1980, I've had 5 jobs in the past 3 years, and I've learned that people don't understand each other as well as you might expect.

So, still would like you to make this more clear to someone who is not intimately familiar with what a seal team would do (I presume that is what you are describing, now that I've had a day or two to ponder).

Posted by sgtsneaky (Member # 6192) on :

Thanks for all of your input and thanks for the welcome.