Hatrack River Writers Workshop: As of Yet Untitled

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Posted by Umi-chan (Member # 5881) on :

This is an edit

The shadows in the club that served as our head quarters dulled my vision as I walked in one of the secret doors and took up my hidden alcove by the front. James would be here in a few minutes and I wanted to get a good look at him before he saw me.
A lanky figure slid in the door effortlessly and stood against the wall blue-green eyes roving. His hair had gone from green to purple since I’d seen him last and there was a slightly worn look to his carefree features.
I pulled the black lace veil over my face and stepped out. Everyone stared and a near hush came over the room as they stood at attention awaiting my orders. I scanned their faces and they hastily returned to their companions.

[This message has been edited by Umi-chan (edited August 13, 2007).]

Posted by Snorri Sturluson (Member # 5807) on :

I think it might be entirely because you told me your first 13 was awkward before I had a chance to read it, but "obscured" seems like an awkward word choice, like you are using a fifty cent word when a nickel one will do.

I am amused by someone using a hidden door then standing around the front of the establishment. I am assuming this alcove is more hidden than it seems at first, however.

How important is the second paragraph? It seems like you could remove it entirely and not really loose anything (a little bit of characterization, but the reader gets that in the first five words of that paragraph).

I do like the last paragraph. It sets a tone for your story quite nicely (green to purple hair, so probably not your average sword and sorcery story).

Posted by Umi-chan (Member # 5881) on :

The second paragraph is actually more from what I originally intended the story to be not what it became. It probably could be taken out.

As for not your usual fantasy, no it fits somewhere in between fantasy and fiction and sci-fi. I honestly have no idea where though.

Posted by jc.black (Member # 5904) on :

Don't worry about the futuristic-fantasy thing. If your theme is strong and clear in your head, the story will come out and genre is second to that.

What threw me was the description of the interior of the club. hidden doors, (unguarded by bouncers), are usually non-existent, as are traditional halls. There might be open areas and walkways between tables, but people who are students are usually few, unless it's a club on a campus and if so, what kind of school.

Of course it's only 13 lines, how much information can you possible cram into 13 lines without loosing the flow.

I liked your description of James, exceptionally informative, for a single sentence.

I'm pretty new to this 13 line business, and it's interesting, to say the least.

Posted by Umi-chan (Member # 5881) on :

Club was the best word I could think of, its more of an establishment above the headquarters. As for the students that part is being taken out as I go through editing.

I'm glad you liked James's description.

Posted by CassandraRose526 (Member # 5712) on :

The shadows in the club obscured my vision as I walked in one of the hidden doors[What are these 'hidden doors'?] and took up my usual alcove by the front. James would be here in a few minutes and<-Take out 'and'][;] I wanted to get a good look at him before he saw me.
I loved to watch people and often sat in my little nook for hours on end<-Take out] observing as groups of loud, overly zealous students tramped down the middle of the halls; flirty couples flitted off into private corners and the outcasts slunk noiselessly along the walls.What does she consider herself?
A lanky figure slid in the door effortlessly and stood against the wall[What color eyes?] eyes roving. His hair had gone from green to purple since I’d seen him last and there was a slightly worn look to his carefree features.

This seems like it could be a very interesting story so far; some of it does read a little awkwardly. Is this set in a night club? That is what I thought at first, but then people were in halls, which made me think of a school setting. I like your character, James. I wonder more about why his 'carefree' features has a 'worn' look. However, I would like a little more insight in what kind of person Katrina is. But I am sure that is to come. Perhaps it's the changing hair color, but my first impressions of this story is that it's an urban fantasy. I'd be willing to read more.

[This message has been edited by CassandraRose526 (edited August 01, 2007).]

Posted by Umi-chan (Member # 5881) on :

Okay so I made a pass at revising what I have including what's posted here. Here's the new 13.

The shadows in the club that served as our head quarters dulled my vision as I walked in one of the secret doors and took up my hidden alcove by the front. James would be here in a few minutes and I wanted to get a good look at him before he saw me.
A lanky figure slid in the door effortlessly and stood against the wall eyes roving. His hair had gone from green to purple since I’d seen him last and there was a slightly worn look to his carefree features.
I pulled the black lace veil over my head and stepped out. Everyone stared and a near hush came over the room as they stood at attention awaiting my orders. I scanned their faces and they hastily returned to whatever they’d been doing.

Posted by CassandraRose526 (Member # 5712) on :

The shadows in the club that served as our headquarters<-one word dulled my vision as I walked in one of the secret doors and took up my hidden alcove by the front. James would be here in a few minutes and I wanted to get a good look at him before he saw me.
A lanky figure slid in the door effortlessly and stood against the wall, eyes roving. His hair had gone from green to purple since I’d seen him last and there was a slightly worn look to his carefree features.
I pulled the black lace veil over my head [Is she pulling it on or off?] and stepped out. Everyone stared and<-Unnecessary words.] A near hush came over the room as they stood at attention awaiting my orders. I scanned their faces and they hastily returned to whatever they’d been doing.

"Whatever they'd been doing" seems really vague. I'd reword that phrase, if possible. Also, perhaps try to add the word 'student' or 'students' somewhere so that the readers have a general idea about the age. It gets lost in the rewrite. Other than that, I liked this version a lot better.

[This message has been edited by CassandraRose526 (edited August 01, 2007).]

Posted by Umi-chan (Member # 5881) on :

As far as the word student goes I'll try to convey the general age, but when I went through the rest of the story I realized that the word contridicts itself later. It was mostly a hang-on from what I had orinially intended the story to be about. However the story took a whole different direction.

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

"The shadows in the club obscured my vision as I walked in one of the hidden doors and took up my usual alcove by the front." This isn't passive voice, but it feels passive to me for some reason. While the shadows are actively obscuring your vision, I'm more interested in the action of the character right away so the shadows/obscure part feels like something I glaze over to get there, an annoyance that I don't really register. Sorry for the huge nit, but I am having difficulty explaining my reaction to that sentence.

"flirty couples flitted off," I don't care for the alliteration.

You use a lot of strange descriptions and verbs like "slunk, lanky, flitted, tramped, roving," and by strange I mean they stand out to me as awkward in their context, of course they are (arguably) just fine, but I wanted to point them out anyway, because they feel clunky to me.

The use of "effortlessly," and "noiselessly," stood out as just long adverbs that didn't give very much to the scene.

Also is the "lanky figure" James? Because if the MC recognizes him he should see "James entered the room," or whatever, for example when your friend John comes over to your house you don't usually (consciously) think of him as "some strange lanky figure slicky sneaks into my abode, eyes roving..."

I think your world could be really fun and definitely could hit a big market, school settings always have that potential, but I don't know enough from these 13 to really understand what is unique about it exactly. Sorry to be such a nit, but hopefully this helps a little.

[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 02, 2007).]

Posted by Umi-chan (Member # 5881) on :

It seems that here and in some of my other posts, the vocabulary of the story is one of the biggest problems, with it being too out there or not fitting correctly. I will definitely try to work on that, first using simpler adjectives then seeing how to work in the odd one I love better.

Zero: Your comment about recognizing James honestly scares me. See when you refer that I wouldn't think of a friend "John" this way, I did a huge double take. My friend Jon actually inspired James.

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

WOW... I hope that's ...good